Saturday, March 26, 2011

Web Exclusive: Paranormal Affairs Division receives over 100 election complaints

The Paranormal Affairs Division of the Bolingbrook Police Department has received over 100 complaints related to the upcoming election.

“I’ve never seen anything like this.” Said Officer Carl, who asked that we not use his last name. “We usually get two complaints a month. We’ve received all of these complaints in the past week.”

While the division officially does not exist, let alone release details about their investigations, The Babbler uncovered two of the complaints.

The first complaint claims that the ghost of former mayor Robert Schanks is spying for The First Party of Bolingbrook. The complaints includes several blurry photos and a poor quality MP3 of possibly saying, “Vote for Pat!”

According to Officer Steve, “A short investigation revealed that Robert Schanks is still alive. We just have to make sure he doesn’t have the power of remote projection.”

The second complaint claims that Trustee Rick Morales has an army of monsters that are stealing his opponent’s campaign signs. Two eyewitnesses first claimed they had recordings of him issuing orders to the monsters. When the investigator mentioned that it is illegal to record a human without their consent, the eyewitnesses suddenly remembered that they called 911 while Morales issued the orders. The dispatcher, said the eyewitnesses, should have recorded Morales issuing the orders, not them.

In the report, a homeowner claims Morales knocked on his door. Morales exclaimed, “I’m a Bolingbrook Trustee. I need your Bob Bowen sign and your Joe Naponiello sign! It’s a village emergency.” The homeowner said he could have the signs. Morales, according to the homeowner, took the signs and ran away. He was then followed by what the homeowner described as a “running squid.”

Officer Steve explained, “It was a Minnesota Talking Land Squid. They’ve been stealing campaign signs, mostly those not belonging to the First Party of Bolingbrook.” Steve explained that either the squids are attracted to the paper used in the signs, or the candidates offended PZ Myers.

“Sometimes candidates will ask him to have his followers crash online polls on their behalf. Our sources say that when a candidate doesn’t pay in full, he’ll send his army of land squids to disrupt their campaign.”

Officer Steve says this case has been turned over the FBI, but expects it to be resolved soon.

Officer Carl is suspicious about the complaints.

“It’s like these two wanted to start so many investigations that we wouldn’t be able to finish before the election.”

Officer Bob says the department will do their best, adding that although they haven’t experienced any budget cuts, it will take some time to resolve.

When asked to comment, Bowen replied, “There are investigations and there are more investigations to come! There wouldn’t be smoke unless there is fire, and there is fire! The police don’t investigate unless they have a good reason to investigate! So you have a choice. You’re either for us or against us. If you’re against us, you’re with Roger. If you’re with Roger, you support the stealing of campaign signs. If you support the stealing of campaign signs, you support crime. If you support crime, that makes you evil!”

When asked to comment, Mayor Roger Claar replied, “I’m feeling much better now that I cleared the air with Rick. That’s Rick, not Rickey. Anyway, I explained to him that he is a trustee, not a garbage collector. The next time a resident asks him to throw something away, he should contact the Public Works Department instead.”

Claar added his own horserace assessment Bolingbrook Trustee election.

“There are five dead horses on the track. Bonnie is trying to perform CPR on three of them. On April 5th, the residents will cheer as my three horses cross the finish line, and I declare victory over the Internet!”

When reached for comment, Ken Cygan bored this reporter with his political platform.

The other candidates could not be reached for comment.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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