Aliens ambassadors will met the Lady Raiders’ basketball team to celebrate their third state championship, announced Mayor Roger Claar at a covert affairs meeting of the village trustees.
Claar explained to the board and gathered dignitaries that the meeting would once again be held at Bolingbrook High School. The ambassadors would be disguised as humans, and will not reveal their extraterrestrial origins to the team.
“These young women’s brains are still developing.” Said Claar. “A mind wipe could damage their development and hurt their college and WNBA potential.”
Claar then read aloud a report from the Department of Paranormal Affairs stating that Morgan Tuck’s 36 point performance was not enhanced by psychics, alien implants, ghosts, or any other supernatural means.
“She’s a very talented young woman who will shine as an example of the human race for thousands of worlds.”
Village Clerk Carol Penning added that championship game was seen by an estimated 1 trillion aliens via interstellar transmission.
Also at the meeting:
Claar rejects Cygan
Village Trustee candidate Kenneth R. Cygan addressed the board to unveil his plan to replace Clow Airport with a four strip malls. The entrance to the UFO base, according to his plan, would be covered up by a “park” in the middle of the strip malls. Cygan said unlike the Brook Report’s plan, his plan would generate both property tax, and sales tax revenues for the village.
“Alien spacecraft are required by galactic law to turn on their landing lights before landing at a UFO base or prior to any rural landing. We can explain landing lights at an airport. You can’t explain away landing lights at a strip mall.”
When Cygan offered to replace the park with a helicopter pad, Claar shook his head.
Claar tells off Number Crunchers.
During a question and answer session, a reporter from Number Crunchers Clow asked if Claar considered selling Clow UFO Base to pay off the village’s debt.
“Yeah.” Replied Claar. “I also thought about selling the right to collect taxes to a company for about $250 million dollars. We’d get rid of our debt, but we wouldn’t have an income flow, and some company would be getting rich doing absolutely nothing!”
Claar explained that without the UFO base, Bolingbrook wouldn’t exist.
“The New World Order has made it very clear to me. If we lose the base, they will manufacture a disaster to clear out Bolingbrook. The sudden loss of economic activity from the removal of Clow UFO Base would be too great to explain away.”
Bowen fails to fool Claar
Trustee candidate Bob Bowen told the board he had a question. He spent the next five minutes verbally submitting FOIA requests for Claar’s thoughts on the Skepchick blog, gun control, Inception, mutant moles under Boughton, the “$400 million debt” and other subjects.
Claar interrupted Bowen to reply, “I don’t read it, none of your business, I don’t under stand it, We’ll be using mole-proof asphalt from Orange Crush, the debt is about $200 million, and you’re out of time.”
Bowen thanked Claar and walked away. He later returned wearing sunglasses. He said his name was Ken, and he wanted to address the board.
“I recognize you Bob. You only get to speak once. This isn’t Topix.”
Bowen left. He returned wearing sunglasses and an orange wig. He said his name was Mr. Washington, and he wanted to talk about the village’s “$1 billion deficit.”
Claar shook his head. “The rules are clear. It doesn’t matter how many personalities you have. A physical body can only address the board once! I’ll go even further. Yes, as a trustee candidate, you have the right to attend these covert meetings. That doesn’t mean you should!”
The Men in Blue then dragged Bowen away.
Also in The Babbler:
Congratulations to the Lady Raiders
Bolingbrook rejects “Demon Free Zone”
Lisle Trustee Ed Young erased from history!
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/9/11
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