|Kylie Sturgess, who shares the same first name |
with Kylie Minogue, visited Bolingbrook this
weekend. (Photo by Ron Whisky)
The conference organizers, whose purpose was to “showcase highlights of efforts to find alternatives to the racist, sexist and homophobic philosophy known as science,” wanted to start an annual award mocking women who “betray their gender to science!”
“She’s done more to spread the plague of science than any other female we could think of.” Said Donna L. Lawson, head faciliator of the FER conference. So we thought she’d be the perfect person to receive the first McCreight Award. Well it’s an ‘award’ just like the Razzies are an award.”
Named after Blag Hag blogger and Boobquake organizer Jennifer McCreight, The organizers hoped to make a statement by naming Sturgess as it’s first “honoree.” No one expected Sturgess to show up at the convention.
“We had five speakers from five different groups ready to condemn her and promote their causes.” Said Patricia K. Carlson, co-facilitator of outreach. “When I saw Kylie approaching, I knew our carefully balanced plans were about to go out the window. I wanted to criticize her so badly, but I needed approval from the steering committee first.!”
Sturgess, according to witnesses, approached the stage, while the audience looked on in stunned silence. While the organizers debated whether to turn off the mike, Sturgess addressed the crowd. She started off by saying that she didn’t appreciate the “nasty comments” directed towards her husband, and the false “condolences” she heard from audience members.”
“I came here because I thought I was being honored for promoting science education.” Said Sturgess. “Instead, I see that you’re trying to mock my over ten years of teaching science and critical thinking.”
Sturgess then launched into a thirty minute defense of science and how science education can empower women.
“Science is like a hammer.” Said Sturgess. “It can be used by a misogynist to post hateful signs, or it can be used to build a loving home. We shouldn’t deny women access to the hammer because misogynists have used hammers in the past. Instead we should give women hammers so they can be free to build their own structures.”
She then held up the well-endowed award and said, “You intended to give this award to me in the spirit of mockery and in the name of my rival, Jennifer McCreight. I will accept it with pride, and in the name of someone who promotes science education, even if we do have our differences.”
Sturgess announced that she was going to perform several science experiments in the hallway. “Anyone who wants to experience the empowering effects of science and open their minds to critical thinking is welcome to join me.”
After walking away from the microphone, one of the facilitators turned off the mike. After a “moderated” discussion, the organizers turned the mike back on thirty minutes later.
During the downtime, a few participants watched Sturgess’s simple science experiments.
“I never realized that heavy objects and light objects fall at the same rate.” Said a participant, who asked to be called Paula. “There has to be a metaphor for feminism in that. I’ll have to discuses it with my women’s studies professors. Kylie has really opened my mind.”
Another participant wasn’t impressed.
“Her text is too inflexible” Said Kathy, who refused to give out her last name. “I prefer texts that can be edited, like a word processor. In my text, homeopathy works. I tried to educate her, but she said the facts were clear. I hate so-called ‘fact’ texts.”
Earlier in the conference, the organizers recognized Luce Irigaray for her contribution to the study of physics. In her book, Parler n’est jamais neutre, Irigaray criticized the E=MC2 as a “sexed equation” because, “it privileges the speed of light over other speeds that are vitally necessary to us.”
When asked to comment, McCreight said that most feminists support science and doubted the existence of the conference. She also accused The Babbler of overhyping her disagreements with Sturgess.
“We had one little flame war, and you guys spend months blowing it out of proportion.” Said McCreight. “I’ve already moved on to other things. Like my solo speech at TAM 9, and my attempts to create a live Pokemon. I’m going to win the Nobel Prize for that!”
After demanding to know how this reporter got her Skype address, Sturgess denied visiting Bolingbrook over the weekend.
“As you can clearly see, I am in Australia. Your Clow airport might be international certified, but I seriously doubt that it is equipped to handle supersonic airplanes. That’s the only way I could be here now after attending this alleged conference. The truth is that I won’t be in the States until Dragon*Con.”
A cat then walked by her webcam.
“You know that’s not where cats are allowed.” Said Sturgess to the cat.
“Mistress Sturgess.” Came a voice off screen. “I wish to discuss my new terms.”
Sturgess stared off screen for a several seconds, then said, “I think I have a more pressing problem to deal with right now.”
Also in The Babbler:
Claar promises safety review of antimatter generators
Brook Report asks for UN Intervention against Claar
Corporations prepare bids to take over Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/24/11
Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.