Sunday, March 27, 2011

Babbler endorses the Jeff Peckman Party candidates for Village Trustees

By Publisher Chris Olson

With one of the most hotly contested Bolingbrook Trustee elections since the 1990s, I decided to speak with the editorial writers and issue an endorsement. This is a decision were are taking very seriously.

There were some heated discussions, a lot of prayers, and a lot of counseling with our staff psychics. It helped that only three parties answered our questionnaires. Unfortunately, we had to disqualify The Roger Claar party because Mayor Roger Claar isn’t a member.

In the end, we decided to endorse The Jeff Peckman Party, formally known as The Art Bell Party. The party now names itself after Peckman, who tried to get Denver voters to approve a UFO Commission. He failed, but 27,486 people voted in favor of it.

Since the 1990s, the Peckman party has promised to fully audit Clow UFO base, and crack down on illegal space aliens in Bolingbrook. While others have called for the closing of Clow, they promise to work with Claar to keep the base open, but at the same time, promise to protect taxpayer dollars from covert government waste. These are goals we support.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Web Exclusive: Paranormal Affairs Division receives over 100 election complaints

The Paranormal Affairs Division of the Bolingbrook Police Department has received over 100 complaints related to the upcoming election.

“I’ve never seen anything like this.” Said Officer Carl, who asked that we not use his last name. “We usually get two complaints a month. We’ve received all of these complaints in the past week.”

While the division officially does not exist, let alone release details about their investigations, The Babbler uncovered two of the complaints.

The first complaint claims that the ghost of former mayor Robert Schanks is spying for The First Party of Bolingbrook. The complaints includes several blurry photos and a poor quality MP3 of possibly saying, “Vote for Pat!”

According to Officer Steve, “A short investigation revealed that Robert Schanks is still alive. We just have to make sure he doesn’t have the power of remote projection.”

The second complaint claims that Trustee Rick Morales has an army of monsters that are stealing his opponent’s campaign signs. Two eyewitnesses first claimed they had recordings of him issuing orders to the monsters. When the investigator mentioned that it is illegal to record a human without their consent, the eyewitnesses suddenly remembered that they called 911 while Morales issued the orders. The dispatcher, said the eyewitnesses, should have recorded Morales issuing the orders, not them.

In the report, a homeowner claims Morales knocked on his door. Morales exclaimed, “I’m a Bolingbrook Trustee. I need your Bob Bowen sign and your Joe Naponiello sign! It’s a village emergency.” The homeowner said he could have the signs. Morales, according to the homeowner, took the signs and ran away. He was then followed by what the homeowner described as a “running squid.”

Officer Steve explained, “It was a Minnesota Talking Land Squid. They’ve been stealing campaign signs, mostly those not belonging to the First Party of Bolingbrook.” Steve explained that either the squids are attracted to the paper used in the signs, or the candidates offended PZ Myers.

“Sometimes candidates will ask him to have his followers crash online polls on their behalf. Our sources say that when a candidate doesn’t pay in full, he’ll send his army of land squids to disrupt their campaign.”

Officer Steve says this case has been turned over the FBI, but expects it to be resolved soon.

Officer Carl is suspicious about the complaints.

“It’s like these two wanted to start so many investigations that we wouldn’t be able to finish before the election.”

Officer Bob says the department will do their best, adding that although they haven’t experienced any budget cuts, it will take some time to resolve.

When asked to comment, Bowen replied, “There are investigations and there are more investigations to come! There wouldn’t be smoke unless there is fire, and there is fire! The police don’t investigate unless they have a good reason to investigate! So you have a choice. You’re either for us or against us. If you’re against us, you’re with Roger. If you’re with Roger, you support the stealing of campaign signs. If you support the stealing of campaign signs, you support crime. If you support crime, that makes you evil!”

When asked to comment, Mayor Roger Claar replied, “I’m feeling much better now that I cleared the air with Rick. That’s Rick, not Rickey. Anyway, I explained to him that he is a trustee, not a garbage collector. The next time a resident asks him to throw something away, he should contact the Public Works Department instead.”

Claar added his own horserace assessment Bolingbrook Trustee election.

“There are five dead horses on the track. Bonnie is trying to perform CPR on three of them. On April 5th, the residents will cheer as my three horses cross the finish line, and I declare victory over the Internet!”

When reached for comment, Ken Cygan bored this reporter with his political platform.

The other candidates could not be reached for comment.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Kylie Sturgess accepts ‘award’ from anti-science feminist convention

Kylie Sturgess, who shares the same first name
with Kylie Minogue, visited Bolingbrook this 
weekend. (Photo by Ron Whisky)
Australian skeptic Kylie Sturgess crashed the Feminists Emancipating Reality conference in Bolingbrook this weekend.

The conference organizers, whose purpose was to “showcase highlights of efforts to find alternatives to the racist, sexist and homophobic philosophy known as science,” wanted to start an annual award mocking women who “betray their gender to science!”

“She’s done more to spread the plague of science than any other female we could think of.” Said Donna L. Lawson, head faciliator of the FER conference. So we thought she’d be the perfect person to receive the first McCreight Award. Well it’s an ‘award’ just like the Razzies are an award.”

Named after Blag Hag blogger and Boobquake organizer Jennifer McCreight, The organizers hoped to make a statement by naming Sturgess as it’s first “honoree.” No one expected Sturgess to show up at the convention.

“We had five speakers from five different groups ready to condemn her and promote their causes.” Said Patricia K. Carlson, co-facilitator of outreach. “When I saw Kylie approaching, I knew our carefully balanced plans were about to go out the window. I wanted to criticize her so badly, but I needed approval from the steering committee first.!”

Sturgess, according to witnesses, approached the stage, while the audience looked on in stunned silence. While the organizers debated whether to turn off the mike, Sturgess addressed the crowd. She started off by saying that she didn’t appreciate the “nasty comments” directed towards her husband, and the false “condolences” she heard from audience members.”

“I came here because I thought I was being honored for promoting science education.” Said Sturgess. “Instead, I see that you’re trying to mock my over ten years of teaching science and critical thinking.”

Sturgess then launched into a thirty minute defense of science and how science education can empower women.

“Science is like a hammer.” Said Sturgess. “It can be used by a misogynist to post hateful signs, or it can be used to build a loving home. We shouldn’t deny women access to the hammer because misogynists have used hammers in the past. Instead we should give women hammers so they can be free to build their own structures.”

She then held up the well-endowed award and said, “You intended to give this award to me in the spirit of mockery and in the name of my rival, Jennifer McCreight. I will accept it with pride, and in the name of someone who promotes science education, even if we do have our differences.”

Sturgess announced that she was going to perform several science experiments in the hallway. “Anyone who wants to experience the empowering effects of science and open their minds to critical thinking is welcome to join me.”

After walking away from the microphone, one of the facilitators turned off the mike. After a “moderated” discussion, the organizers turned the mike back on thirty minutes later.

During the downtime, a few participants watched Sturgess’s simple science experiments.

“I never realized that heavy objects and light objects fall at the same rate.” Said a participant, who asked to be called Paula. “There has to be a metaphor for feminism in that. I’ll have to discuses it with my women’s studies professors. Kylie has really opened my mind.”

Another participant wasn’t impressed.

“Her text is too inflexible” Said Kathy, who refused to give out her last name. “I prefer texts that can be edited, like a word processor. In my text, homeopathy works. I tried to educate her, but she said the facts were clear. I hate so-called ‘fact’ texts.”

Earlier in the conference, the organizers recognized Luce Irigaray for her contribution to the study of physics. In her book, Parler n’est jamais neutre, Irigaray criticized the E=MC2 as a “sexed equation” because, “it privileges the speed of light over other speeds that are vitally necessary to us.”

When asked to comment, McCreight said that most feminists support science and doubted the existence of the conference. She also accused The Babbler of overhyping her disagreements with Sturgess.

“We had one little flame war, and you guys spend months blowing it out of proportion.” Said McCreight. “I’ve already moved on to other things. Like my solo speech at TAM 9, and my attempts to create a live Pokemon. I’m going to win the Nobel Prize for that!”

After demanding to know how this reporter got her Skype address, Sturgess denied visiting Bolingbrook over the weekend.

“As you can clearly see, I am in Australia. Your Clow airport might be international certified, but I seriously doubt that it is equipped to handle supersonic airplanes. That’s the only way I could be here now after attending this alleged conference. The truth is that I won’t be in the States until Dragon*Con.”

A cat then walked by her webcam.

“You know that’s not where cats are allowed.” Said Sturgess to the cat.

“Mistress Sturgess.” Came a voice off screen. “I wish to discuss my new terms.”

Sturgess stared off screen for a several seconds, then said, “I think I have a more pressing problem to deal with right now.”

Also in The Babbler:

Claar promises safety review of antimatter generators
Brook Report asks for UN Intervention against Claar
Corporations prepare bids to take over Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/24/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Web Exclusive! Anti-psychic kitty to attend TAM 9

The Babbler’s only skeptical columnist, Anti-psychic Kitty, will attend TAM 9 this July. He will also be live tweeting and live blogging the second largest gathering of skeptics in North America.

“I’m really looking forward to visiting my creators at The James Randi Educational Foundation. Especially James Randi! He’s like a father, a friend and a mad scientist!”

TAM 9, or The Amazing Meeting, will be held in Las Vegas’s South Point Hotel Casino and Spa. Speakers this year include, Neil deGrasse Tyson, Bill Nye, Adam Savage, Illinois professor Pamela Gay, atheist squid master PZ Myers, and local skeptic Elyse Anders.

“Because of Elyse’s cat allergy, I will have to wear an environmental suit outside of my suite. That’s OK, because I don’t like cigarette smoke. Still, I’m hoping that the suit will be as handsome as I am!”

Last year, Kitty caused controversy as the first non-human to address TAM. Many were doubtful that he could communicate by walking over a keyboard. Some were outraged when Kitty denounced Karen Stollznow for showing pictures of cats that look like Hitler during one of her presentations.

“I’m hoping to talk to Karen and work things out. While the skeptical community is growing, we should try to sincerely work out our differences.”

Kitty also denied rumors of inappropriate activities at the Skepchick party.

“All I did was drink cold water, meow, and rub against my new friends, male and female. That’s pretty normal for a cat to do to humans. I don’t know if they’re going to have a party this year, but I will be at the Penn and Teller party. Totally sober of course.”

Kitty is not on the main program, but is rumored to be a guest rouge at one of The Skeptics’ Guide to the Universe live taping.

“I think I can teach Dr. Steven Novella a thing or two about critical thinking!”

Because of Kitty’s power to kill anyone who uses psychic powers around him, Kitty will be a judge at the live Million Dollar Challenge.

“I’m just going to watch the applicant while they demonstrate their power. If they survive, then I’ll know they’re fake.” Said Kitty with a giggle.

JREF president DJ Grothe, says Kitty is always welcome at TAM. “It’s nice to know that even the most skeptical creature on Earth thinks TAM is a worthwhile way to spend four days in Las Vegas. Why give your money to the casino, when you can give it to us, and support our skeptical causes? Kitty knows that the registration fee only covers the convention. We still need more money to reach our ultimate goal of making the world skeptical of The Bolingbrook Babbler! Oh, did I think out loud?”

The JREF and The Babbler have joint custody of Kitty as part of a legal settlement in 2010. Kitty gets to visit the JREF once a year. He spends the rest of the year in Bolingbrook, away from psychics.

This year, Kitty may not be the only pet residing in The South Point. Dr. Gay’s dog may also be attending, according to some sources.”

“Don’t get me wrong.” Said Kitty, “I think dogs are OK, but do they really have to lick everything and everyone? I don’t mind if they lick themselves, and many of them should lick themselves more often. I can’t believe they need humans to clean them.”

Kitty does have one hope for the conference.

“I hope that skeptics will see that in the most skeptical place on Earth, there is one inescapable truth: IMSOCUTE!”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

We get letters: Campaign 2011 edition

Doug Fields here. As the Reader’s Editor, there is no more challenging time of year than election season. Many people think that just because they support a candidate, The Babbler must publish their opinion. It doesn’t work that way. Only the best letters will be considered, and the only an elite few will be published. If I didn’t publish your letter, then practice writing on the Internet. Once you’ve risen above smiley faces, text speak, and childish flaming, then I will consider you for our letter’s page.

This year, it seems like Mayor Roger Claar is actually spending his campaign fund on a local campaign. The First Party of Bolingbrook now has a campaign web page and a Facebook page. Meaning that they just now passed The Bolingbrook Report and entered the 2010s. This must also explain the uptick in e-mails supporting Claar. Here’s one that seemed to deviate from the standard script:

To the Editor:

Out of all the Village Trustee candidates, there are only three with eight or more years experience as trustee. Did you know that they happen to be members of First Party for Bolingbrook?

When you are looking to hire someone, you want experience! They’re the only candidates with experience! With all the outside problems facing Bolingbrook, this is no time for on the job training! We need experience we can trust.

We know what we’re getting when we vote for Leroy Brown, Patricia Schanks, and Rick Morales. We can’t say that about the other candidates!

Juanita X. Moore
Bolingbrook, IL

I wonder what the argument was to elect Morales and Schanks to their first terms?

We received about 100 e-mails for the Will County Independent Party’s endorsed candidates. Ninety-five of them were from the same person. We know how to read Internet headers!

All the letters dealt with Bolingbrook’s debt. Like this one:

To the Editor:

Did you know that Bolingbrook has a debt of $208,673,953? Did you know that one trustee candidate has a plan to cut the debt? She’s been blogging about the village for years! Let’s give her a chance to act! Vote Rhonda Reed Slaughter!

C. Kresswell
Bolingbrook, IL

Then we got this letter:

To the Editor:

Did you know that Bolingbrook has a debt of over $300 million dollars? Did you know that one trustee candidate has a plan to cut the debt? He hasn’t been blogging about the village for years! Let’s give him a chance to act! Vote Joe Napionello!

B. Alexander
Bolingbrook, IL

Then this one:

To the Editor:

Did you know that Bolingbrook has a debt of $464 million? Did you know that one trustee candidate has a plan to cut the debt? She’s been blogging about the village for years! Let’s give her a chance to act! Vote Bob Bowen!

Jason C. Washburn
Bolingbrook, IL

It’s amazing how debt can grow in a matter of weeks.

Oh, if you're going to run as a reform party, it's best not to have a web page that lists the perks of elected office.

Finally, we have this letter:

To the Editor:

I don’t like Mayor Roger Claar and the way he’s run Bolingbrook. Why did we let him build a golf course?

I also don’t like The Brook Report and their supporters. Bonnie cost the village about $27,000 in legal fees because of her lawsuit. Bob annoys me during Village Board meetings.

So I’m voting for Ken Cygan! That way I can express my displeasure towards Roger and The Brook Report!

Rachel Z. Ferguson
Bolingbrook, IL

That’s as good a reason as any.

So readers, no matter who you vote for, make sure you make an informed choice on April 5.

Speaking of which, The Babbler will be making its first endorsement in a Village Trustee election since 2005. Who will get the nod? Find out in two weeks.

Also in The Babbler:

Mayor Claar denies planning to ban Lady Raider jokes
Psychic slam skeptic’s speech three weeks before it happens
Anti-psychic Kitty to be keynote speaker at TAM 9
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/16/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

State champion Lady Raiders to meet alien ambassadors

By Reporter X

Aliens ambassadors will met the Lady Raiders’ basketball team to celebrate their third state championship, announced Mayor Roger Claar at a covert affairs meeting of the village trustees.

Claar explained to the board and gathered dignitaries that the meeting would once again be held at Bolingbrook High School. The ambassadors would be disguised as humans, and will not reveal their extraterrestrial origins to the team.

“These young women’s brains are still developing.” Said Claar. “A mind wipe could damage their development and hurt their college and WNBA potential.”

Claar then read aloud a report from the Department of Paranormal Affairs stating that Morgan Tuck’s 36 point performance was not enhanced by psychics, alien implants, ghosts, or any other supernatural means.

“She’s a very talented young woman who will shine as an example of the human race for thousands of worlds.”

Village Clerk Carol Penning added that championship game was seen by an estimated 1 trillion aliens via interstellar transmission.

Also at the meeting:

Claar rejects Cygan

Village Trustee candidate Kenneth R. Cygan addressed the board to unveil his plan to replace Clow Airport with a four strip malls. The entrance to the UFO base, according to his plan, would be covered up by a “park” in the middle of the strip malls. Cygan said unlike the Brook Report’s plan, his plan would generate both property tax, and sales tax revenues for the village.

Claar disagreed.

“Alien spacecraft are required by galactic law to turn on their landing lights before landing at a UFO base or prior to any rural landing. We can explain landing lights at an airport. You can’t explain away landing lights at a strip mall.”

When Cygan offered to replace the park with a helicopter pad, Claar shook his head.

Claar tells off Number Crunchers.

During a question and answer session, a reporter from Number Crunchers Clow asked if Claar considered selling Clow UFO Base to pay off the village’s debt.

“Yeah.” Replied Claar. “I also thought about selling the right to collect taxes to a company for about $250 million dollars. We’d get rid of our debt, but we wouldn’t have an income flow, and some company would be getting rich doing absolutely nothing!”

Claar explained that without the UFO base, Bolingbrook wouldn’t exist.

“The New World Order has made it very clear to me. If we lose the base, they will manufacture a disaster to clear out Bolingbrook. The sudden loss of economic activity from the removal of Clow UFO Base would be too great to explain away.”

Bowen fails to fool Claar

Trustee candidate Bob Bowen told the board he had a question. He spent the next five minutes verbally submitting FOIA requests for Claar’s thoughts on the Skepchick blog, gun control, Inception, mutant moles under Boughton, the “$400 million debt” and other subjects.

Claar interrupted Bowen to reply, “I don’t read it, none of your business, I don’t under stand it, We’ll be using mole-proof asphalt from Orange Crush, the debt is about $200 million, and you’re out of time.”

Bowen thanked Claar and walked away. He later returned wearing sunglasses. He said his name was Ken, and he wanted to address the board.

“I recognize you Bob. You only get to speak once. This isn’t Topix.”

Bowen left. He returned wearing sunglasses and an orange wig. He said his name was Mr. Washington, and he wanted to talk about the village’s “$1 billion deficit.”

Claar shook his head. “The rules are clear. It doesn’t matter how many personalities you have. A physical body can only address the board once! I’ll go even further. Yes, as a trustee candidate, you have the right to attend these covert meetings. That doesn’t mean you should!”

The Men in Blue then dragged Bowen away.

Also in The Babbler:

Congratulations to the Lady Raiders
Bolingbrook rejects “Demon Free Zone”
Lisle Trustee Ed Young erased from history!
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/9/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.