Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Web Exclusive: Poke battle erupts between Mayor Claar and Mayor Rahm

What started as an informal meeting between Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar and Chicago Mayor-elect Rahm Emanuel turned into a non-Facebook poke battle.

Sources from both camps say the mayors met at the Bolingbrook Golf Club to have “a conversation.” After dining in the restaurant, the men, and their entourage, relaxed in the sauna. At some point, both men suddenly started jabbing their fingers at each other.

Sources disagree about the reason for the altercation.

Louis, who asked that we not use his last name, said Emanuel started it.

“Roger was bragging about the golf club. Then Rahm talked about the club’s losses. Roger then explained that the club is a long term investment. When Rahm offered to buy the clubhouse and have it moved to the South side, Roger asked how Rahm was going to balance his budget without parking revenue?”

Louis said that Emanuel turned red at the mention of the sale of Chicago’s parking meters. Emanuel, according to Louis, jumped up and poked Roger, telling him to never mention Chicago parking again.

“That’s when all hell broke loose!”

David, who asked that we not use his last name, claimed that Claar started it. According to David, during the conversation, Claar mentioned that he was thinking about retiring as Mayor and becoming a political consultant.

“Then Roger said that as one of the longest serving mayors, Rahm could learn a lot from him. Roger added that he could make sure that Rahm didn’t make any, ‘rookie mistakes.’”

Then, according to David, Rahm said that he wouldn’t make the mistake of creating a rubber stamp city council.

“I never knew Roger could move so quickly. But there he was, poking Rahm! That’s when I dove for cover.”

Both witnesses say the two mayors poked at each other for about thirty seconds.

“If there’s a poking martial art, those two are black belts!” Said Louis.

The battle ended, according to the witnesses, when both men jabbed each other’s index finger.  With each  recovering from the pain of jammed finger, both mayors vowed that this was "only the beginning!”

“It’s a good thing cities don’t have armies.” Said Louis. “Otherwise we’d be at war.”

When asked to comment, Emanuel denied this meeting ever happened.

“You know, the suburban, pro-supernatural tabloid tax is sounding better with each second I (expletive deleted) listen to you.

A spokesperson for Claar also denied that the mayor met Emanuel this week. He added that Claar couldn’t answer any questions because he was talking to representatives from Apple Computer.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Well how about this? My people will create a Brook Report app. You guy take thirty precent of their donations, and I'll be happy.  Maybe I'll make money from you guys if I record a song instead!"

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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