Friday, February 4, 2011

Web Exclusive: Bolingbrook Survives Soviet Snow attack!

The Soviet Union, once the second largest superpower in the world and now a secret cabal, launched a major weather attack against the United States. The Chicago area caught the worst of it with high winds, thunder-snow, and bitter cold. The following is a team report from The Babbler’s staff.

Mayor Claar urges Republican mayors not to support Soviets

During the raging blizzard, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar urged Republican Mayors not to surrender to the Soviet Union.

From his bunker at The Bolingbrook Golf Club, Claar participated in a heated teleconference with fellow suburban mayors. Sources say that during the discussion one of the mayors suggested that they tell President Obama they were going to surrender to the Soviets as a “bargaining chip.”

Claar, according to the sources, stood up and yelled, “Are you (expletive deleted) nuts?”

Other mayors explained that they weren’t really going to surrender to the evil empire, but if they told Obama they would, he would give them anything they wanted.”

“This is not the time for bipartisanship!” Countered Claar. “This is a time for serious leaders like us to come together and resist this invasion.” Claar then added, “I now I don’t agree with our President. Sure I could have used more stimulus funds, and yes it was nice of Judy Biggert to give us some earmarks. Still, we shouldn’t pretend that we’re going to surrender to the communists, even it means more federal funds! That’s treason!”

Claar then added that not only would Bolingbrook resist the invasion, any mayor that surrendered to the communists would be considered, “In a permanent state of intoxication. Don’t even think of trying to drive through Bolingbrook!”

When asked to comment, Claar replied, “I could have dumped the excess snow into your parking lot, but I didn’t! Have your publisher give me a call.”

Trained Soviet snow snakes blamed for Lake Shore Drive mess

Chicago officials privately blame snow snakes for the stranded cars on Lake Shore Drive.

“Our camera’s showed a pack of snow snakes crossing the road.” Said Paul, claims to work for the Streets department. “They’re normally harmless. But when they started going after car tires, we knew something was wrong. No one could have anticipated a snow snake attack.”

No one was killed by the snakes, according to Paul, but local doctors did convince patients that their snake bites were really frost bites.

Though snow snakes have very short life spans, some experts say it is possible to train snow snakes. Some say it is possible that a secret government could train snow snakes to attack cars.

Christie Klein was one of the people stranded on Lake Shore Drive.

“The air was filled with snow snake fragments!” Said Klein. “Then the pieces came together. My partner said it was just ice blowing off Lake Michigan. I know better.”

Paul says that all the carts affected by snow snakes are being decontaminated. Authorities says they want to be sure they’ve destroyed all the snakes’ eggs.

“It’s going to take a long time.” Said Paul. “Fortunately, residents are buying the cover story that we’re incompetent. They’ll never suspect the truth!”

Village employees cite “The Brook Report”

While some have criticized Bolingbrook’s snow removal, and general response to the blizzard, village officials point to “The Brook Report” in their defense.

“They never miss a chance to slam Roger.” Said an anonymous employee. “The fact that they haven’t posted about the blizzard proves that we did a great job! Roger removed some of the snow from our streets. Do you trust Bonnie to remove any snow?”

Bonnie Alicea did not return our e-mails, but did post on The Brook Report that she was suspending her Village Trustee campaign, and would focus on running for Mayor in 2013.

Members of the Brook Report who spoke to The Babbler denied that she really ended her appeal to get back on the 2011 ballot because she was snowed in, and the judge refused to let her testify over the phone.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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