Sunday, February 6, 2011

Martian Colonies agree not to destroy Green Bay

Green Bay will not be destroyed by Martians.
By Reporter X

Though annoyed by Green Bay Packers’s fans, the Martian Colonists agreed not to destroy Green Bay, WI. The decision followed two weeks of intense negotiations, moderated by Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.

“For forty-five years, no NFL team has annoyed us like the Packers have.” Said Martian Ambassador Quakc Glope. “Vince Lombardi taught his team to run the ball in cold weather. Big deal. He never coached a game on Olympus Mons. Yet he is revered as a God in Green Bay. Plus we do not understand why his worshipers wear spoiled cow milk on their heads?”

Glope blamed the city of Green Bay, because the team is owned by the city.

“We sent a clear message to Green Bay to apologize for sending their blasphemous transmissions to us. They are too stupid to understand basic blinking light messages. During this trip to your Super Bowl, we had had enough.”

Claar said once he heard about the Martian Colonists’ plans, he knew that he had to act.

“This is just a simple case of NFL films overselling the Green Packers many years ago.” Said Claar. “Sure, I felt a stirring in my heart whenever John Facenda said, “Lambeau Field.” The Martian Colonists, however, felt it was The Packers’s attempt to impersonate God. Lambeau is similar to their name for the most revered location on Mars.”

Glope refused to confirm Claar’s claim, but said that he appreciated Claar’s efforts to bring peace between Green Bay and the Colonies.

“For a creature from a primitive fossil fuel planet, he shows great wisdom. Maybe the great green field should be named after him. At the very least, he should be appointed Mayor for life.”

Claar smiled, and replied, “I don’t know if I am running for mayor in 2013, but saving Green Bay is sure to impress the thousands of Packers voters in Bolingbrook.”

Terms of the agreement were not released, but sources say that it included assurances that The Bears would try hard to beat The Packers twice a year.

When asked to comment, a receptionist for The Bears laughed and hung up.

A Packers’s fan, who asked not to be identified, was not impressed. “We have the right to tell the universe that this year’s Packer’s is the best ever! They were toying with the rest of the NFL by getting a sixth seed. That way they could win four in a row and embarrass every playoff team! I’m going to blog about it right now. Oh, and tell Jay Cutler that this middle aged man will take him on any time and any place!”

Cutler, when finally reached for comment, said, “I’ll take him on if he’ll let me hit his knee first. Seriously, once the NFL lockout starts, and the one week of looking at scab players will persuade Chicago to love me again! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to work on my game face by climbing these stairs and pretending that it doesn’t hurt!”

Also in The Babbler:

Blag Hag blogger denies she’s slowly melting
Anti-psychic kitty survives homeopathic overdose
Man claims Chicago is really an alien MMO
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/9/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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