Sunday, February 27, 2011

‘Ectoplasm’ shuts down Clow UFO Base

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO base was shutdown for 12 hours after customs officers discovered a brown paste leaking from a UFO.

After detaining the crew, the captain of the craft claimed the paste was ectoplasm, a substance from the afterlife that helps spirits materialize in our world.

“She said if we didn’t release her crew within 24 Earth hours, her craft would shatter the wall between the two worlds.” Said Office Kmoko Wako, a customs officer from Titan. “She claimed that spirits would invade and devastate every living thing on the planet. I wasn’t sure what to think of this. My people stopped believing in the afterlife over a thousand years ago.”

Following the threat, the Black Team, consisting of aliens and members of Bolingbrook’s Paranormal Affairs Division, started their investigation.

Explained team leader Ashton Williams, “Some reason, ghost and alien investigations are always separate. Some aliens will laugh at you if you even bring up ghosts. Others threaten to obliterate humanity if you tell a ghost story. We think the two shouldn’t be separate. There’s no reason a ghost can’t haunt an alien. That’s where we come in.”

The Black Team performed a “special calibration” on their detection equipment from over 25 different civilizations. The results stunned the team.

“Our reading were all over the place!” Said Williams. “On an infrared sensor, a team member would stand in place for several minutes. When the member walked away, a ghost would appear in the same spot, in almost the same configuration! I still say it was weird.

The team then advised Mayor Roger Claar that Clow needed to remain closed until the “netherworld” visitors were removed. That would require three weeks, and the combined services of priests, pagans, psychics, and ghost hunters.

According to sources, Claar scoffed at the idea of closing Clow for three weeks. Instead, announced that he would seek a second opinion. Claar then ordered a UFO crew to bring Joe Nickell to Clow.

Fifteen minutes later, Nickell walked into the room, still shaving. After accepting Nickell’s apology, Claar and the team explained the situation to him.

“What makes you think the spacecraft is haunted?” Asked Nickell.

“We got some weird reading from our equipment.” Said Williams.

“That can be from improperly calibrated devices.” Replied Nickell. “What made you decide to use the equipment in the first place?”

“The brown paste leaking from the craft.” Replied Williams. “We’ve never seen anything like it.”

Nickell asked to see the craft. After providing him with a “charmed” hazmat suit, Nickell was lead into the quarantined hanger. Sources say he looked at the puddle of ooze, then said, “I think I know what it is. To be sure, I’ll need a jar of this stuff, an isolation chamber, a hamburger, and a member of the Skeptic Zone podcast!”

Thirty minutes later, Dr. Rachael Dunlop, wearing a virtual reality helmet, was escorted into an isolation chamber where Nickell was waiting. After sealing the chamber, Nickell removed the helmet from Dunlop. Dunlop, after overcoming her disorientation, demanded to know where she was.

“You’re at Clow UFO Base, and I need your help.”

“Clow? Richard warned me about this place. You don’t need me to stand under a spacecraft, do you?

“No. Nothing like. I just need your advice.”

“Why didn’t you just call me? I was in the middle of work before I appeared here.”

“That will be taken care of.” Said Nickell. “Let’s have some lunch first, and we’ll talk about what I need.”

“You promise it doesn’t involve standing under or lifting an alien spacecraft?”

“Absolutely not.”

Dunlop then sat down at a table that had two hamburgers from Charlie’s Restaurant, and a jar of the alleged ectoplasm. Without hesitation, Dunlop opened the jar and spread the brown paste on the bun.

After taking a bite of the burger, she exclaimed, “This is American Vegemite!”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes! It’s vastly inferior to Australian Vegemite!”

Dunlop then explained that after President George W. Bush banned the importation of Vegemite, some desperate US citizens tried to make their own version using yeast extracts from American breweries.

“It should be illegal to make this fake Vegemite!” Said Dunlop.

After suffering no ill effects, both skeptics were released from the isolation chamber.

The aliens, after undergoing “enhanced interrogation,” confessed that were smuggling American Vegemite off-world and were going to try to pass it off as Australian Vegemite. Because the Australian government strictly limits the interstellar export of Vegemite, it is more precocious than gold on some worlds. In addition being a food source, some civilizations use Vegemite as an industrial sealant, glue, makeup, blood substitute, and fertilizer. Its use in torture is banned on over 500 worlds.

After Clow reopened, several aliens and staff members asked to have their pictures taken with Dunlop and Nickell.

“Nickell taught me to really investigate a mystery, not just point a machine at it.” Said Williams.

“Dr. Rachael Reports is the reason I don’t destroy the Earth.” Said Goglack. “She restores my faith in humanity. I always download the Skeptic Zone whenever I visit her planet!”

When this reporter tried to reach Dunlop, Skeptic Zone regular Maynard answered the phone. He explained that Dunlop and Saunders were out doing a Mystery Investigators’ show. Maynard also denied that Vegemite is banned in the United States.

“So Richard gets crushed. Dr. Rachie saves the base. What about me? Why can’t I interview the aliens? I did a good job interviewing people at Sexpo. Clow should be just like it, only with less distractions!”

Also in The Babbler:

Skeptics crushed at @healthyaddict Meetup
Rahm: Chicago needs revenue from UFO Base
Vets: Protect your pets from werefleas!
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/3/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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