Sunday, February 20, 2011

Bolingbrook officials prepare for possible Canadian invasion

Despite several public denials, village officials are preparing for the possibility of a Canadian invasion.

“If the Tea Party can’t get the unrest in Wisconsin under control, Canada might have to do it for them.” Said an official who asked to be called Joe. “Now if we assume that President Obama is too deep in bed with the public service unions, and the Tea Party faces a backlash when they shoot protesters, Prime Minister Stephen Harper will be asked to step in and restore order using the Canadian military.”

Joe also believes that in order to secure Wisconsin, Canadian forces would also have to secure neighboring “liberal strong holds.”

“Canada would have take over Chicago, the twin cities, and possibly Detroit to prevent Obama from using them as staging points. In other words, we’re in the path of Canadian tanks!”

Sarah, another official, who asked that we not use her full name, says current foreign invasion plans are “woefully out of date.”

“We dusted off two plans. One from 1976, which involved turning Old Chicago in to an ammunition depot. That can’t work now, because it was torn down years ago.”

Sarah also described a plan dated from 1985.

“According to the report, one of Mayor Bob Bailey asked the police department what would happen, ‘if Red Dawn happened in real life.’”

Sarah said that plan involved burning gun registration forms, arming teenagers before they fled into the country side, and locking up the library. The report, according to Sarah, also mentions that if the Soviets tried to invade, the Air Force would intercept the invasion force before it reached Illinois.

“Reagan didn’t spend billions on defense just to let the Soviets causally parachute onto American soil!”

“We’ve never planned for a Canadian invasion. We’re friendly towards each other. When is the last time someone screamed about illegal Canadians in America? Sure some of us steal their prescription drugs, but what’s a few pill between friends?”

Joe say the village is frantically trying to devise a plan to protect the residents of the village.

“We’ll help the military of course.” Said Joe. “But if the Canadian army enters Bolingbrook, there’s not much we can do, except ask them not to kill residents or damage the golf club.  We would, of course, send secret messages to the residents urging them not accept Canadian health care, or participate in any undemocratic parliamentary elections.”

Sarah doubts the unrest in Wisconsin will lead to an invasion.

“I think the Koch will just use the threat of a Canadian invasion to persuade Obama to end the uprising and work towards a bipartisan solution that will please the Koch brothers.”

When asked to comment, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar said he didn’t expect to see invading troops in Bolingbrook within his life time. If he did, he promised to resist them.

“I, for one, wouldn’t welcome our new Canadian overlords!”

Also in The Babbler:

Chicago mayoral candidates promise to investigate “Rods”
Brook Report to explain how General George Smith won Vietnam war
Wheaton backs down on plan to tax atheists
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/23/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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