Sunday, February 13, 2011

Atheists terrorize Promenade

An atheist tries to demonstrate "evolutionary psychology."
Five members the Bolingbrook chapter of American Atheists were arrested following a Darwin Day demonstration at The Promenade Bolingbrook.

“We wanted to take atheism out of the convention rooms and into the streets.” Said John Z. Cunningham, president of the chapter. “We’ve been in the closet for too long! It’s time for us to join the new atheists and be out and proud.”

Cunningham claims the group’s wanted to perform a live demonstration of evolutionary psychology on the Promenade.

“Everyone knows that guys are wired to seek out sex, and females are wired to be selective. So we figured that a couple of us would see out females for sex and a couple of us would let the females around here know that they wanted sex and then some women would choose them. Why fight nature when you can use it to promote evolution?”


Bolingbrook police officers, who asked not to be identified, accused the group of harassing females. Officers then showed pictures of group members hold up signs with vulgar comments. The officers also played an audio tape of an alleged member of the group mentioning to women that American Atheists was offering a million dollar prize to any woman who would sleep with a member.

Cunningham admitted that there was a prize.

“Sure. Both teams were competing for the prize. The first team to get all of its members laid would be eligible for the prize. Money is a great motivator, and its OK, because we’re doing it in the name of atheist activism!”
Becky, 16, claims that she was accosted by one of the atheists.

“I was shopping at the H and M, and this old dude walked up to me and asked me how old I was and what religion I belonged to. I told him 18 and I wasn’t religous. That’s what I usually say when a stranger asks, and I thought he was staff. The guy bounced for a bit and said that he just turned 38 and now he could start dating real women. I’m like, what the (expletive deleted)! He was twenty years older than me! He tried to tell me why it would work, but thank god the manager drove him away. Ew!”

Donna, 20, said one of atheists drove her to tears.

“This guy was holding a sign with a red ‘A’ and yelling about how ‘real’ girls want to have sex but religion holds them back. I told him that he was being offensive and shouldn't talk about women that way. He replied that I had no sense of humor. I asked to to least refer to adult females as women. He snorted and said he’d call girls like me ‘cat lady.’ That hurt my feelings because I love cats, and that doesn’t mean I’ll never find a man. That hurt my feelings!”

After resisting Promenade security. Bolingbrook police finally arrested the activists, and charged them with several counts of lewd conduct, solicitation, and violating the 1969 Bolingbrook riot ordinance.

“We will fight these charges, and keep bringing the atheist attitude to the streets of Bolingbrook!” Exclaimed Cunningham.

Dennis L. Thomposon, spokesperson for the national American Atheists office denied that they have a Bolingbrook chapter.

“This is yet another lie about us!” Said Thompson. “I was having a good month until that guest post appeared in Blag Hag!

Thompson denied that American Atheists is hostile towards women. “We were founded by a female, and when the great Madalyn Murray O'Hair was taken away from us, Ellen Johnson lead us into a new ear of godless activism!”

While claiming that the guest posters “told a reality challenged version” of what happened at an Alabama convention, he promised that the group would deal with “female issues that have been raised in the past week. No matter how annoying or challenging they may be.”

He also added.  "I think this shows that need to provide a events where single men and single girls can mingle without bothering the prudes."

Minister David Hawkings, head of Bolingbrook’s 192nd Christian church, said, “These atheists are doing it wrong! In our community, women are always modestly dressed, and men are taught proper guilt to counter their sinful desires. And if anyone has a problem, they can always come to me for divinely inspired guidance! I will help you let Jesus come inside your heart. I mean let Jesus into your heart!”

Also in The Babbler:

Soviets turn heat ray on Chicago
Number Crunchers: Anarchy would save Bolingbrook taxpayers' money
Rahm threatens to tax all tea parties in Chicago
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/18/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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