Sunday, February 27, 2011

‘Ectoplasm’ shuts down Clow UFO Base

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO base was shutdown for 12 hours after customs officers discovered a brown paste leaking from a UFO.

After detaining the crew, the captain of the craft claimed the paste was ectoplasm, a substance from the afterlife that helps spirits materialize in our world.

“She said if we didn’t release her crew within 24 Earth hours, her craft would shatter the wall between the two worlds.” Said Office Kmoko Wako, a customs officer from Titan. “She claimed that spirits would invade and devastate every living thing on the planet. I wasn’t sure what to think of this. My people stopped believing in the afterlife over a thousand years ago.”

Following the threat, the Black Team, consisting of aliens and members of Bolingbrook’s Paranormal Affairs Division, started their investigation.

Explained team leader Ashton Williams, “Some reason, ghost and alien investigations are always separate. Some aliens will laugh at you if you even bring up ghosts. Others threaten to obliterate humanity if you tell a ghost story. We think the two shouldn’t be separate. There’s no reason a ghost can’t haunt an alien. That’s where we come in.”

The Black Team performed a “special calibration” on their detection equipment from over 25 different civilizations. The results stunned the team.

“Our reading were all over the place!” Said Williams. “On an infrared sensor, a team member would stand in place for several minutes. When the member walked away, a ghost would appear in the same spot, in almost the same configuration! I still say it was weird.

The team then advised Mayor Roger Claar that Clow needed to remain closed until the “netherworld” visitors were removed. That would require three weeks, and the combined services of priests, pagans, psychics, and ghost hunters.

According to sources, Claar scoffed at the idea of closing Clow for three weeks. Instead, announced that he would seek a second opinion. Claar then ordered a UFO crew to bring Joe Nickell to Clow.

Fifteen minutes later, Nickell walked into the room, still shaving. After accepting Nickell’s apology, Claar and the team explained the situation to him.

“What makes you think the spacecraft is haunted?” Asked Nickell.

“We got some weird reading from our equipment.” Said Williams.

“That can be from improperly calibrated devices.” Replied Nickell. “What made you decide to use the equipment in the first place?”

“The brown paste leaking from the craft.” Replied Williams. “We’ve never seen anything like it.”

Nickell asked to see the craft. After providing him with a “charmed” hazmat suit, Nickell was lead into the quarantined hanger. Sources say he looked at the puddle of ooze, then said, “I think I know what it is. To be sure, I’ll need a jar of this stuff, an isolation chamber, a hamburger, and a member of the Skeptic Zone podcast!”

Thirty minutes later, Dr. Rachael Dunlop, wearing a virtual reality helmet, was escorted into an isolation chamber where Nickell was waiting. After sealing the chamber, Nickell removed the helmet from Dunlop. Dunlop, after overcoming her disorientation, demanded to know where she was.

“You’re at Clow UFO Base, and I need your help.”

“Clow? Richard warned me about this place. You don’t need me to stand under a spacecraft, do you?

“No. Nothing like. I just need your advice.”

“Why didn’t you just call me? I was in the middle of work before I appeared here.”

“That will be taken care of.” Said Nickell. “Let’s have some lunch first, and we’ll talk about what I need.”

“You promise it doesn’t involve standing under or lifting an alien spacecraft?”

“Absolutely not.”

Dunlop then sat down at a table that had two hamburgers from Charlie’s Restaurant, and a jar of the alleged ectoplasm. Without hesitation, Dunlop opened the jar and spread the brown paste on the bun.

After taking a bite of the burger, she exclaimed, “This is American Vegemite!”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes! It’s vastly inferior to Australian Vegemite!”

Dunlop then explained that after President George W. Bush banned the importation of Vegemite, some desperate US citizens tried to make their own version using yeast extracts from American breweries.

“It should be illegal to make this fake Vegemite!” Said Dunlop.

After suffering no ill effects, both skeptics were released from the isolation chamber.

The aliens, after undergoing “enhanced interrogation,” confessed that were smuggling American Vegemite off-world and were going to try to pass it off as Australian Vegemite. Because the Australian government strictly limits the interstellar export of Vegemite, it is more precocious than gold on some worlds. In addition being a food source, some civilizations use Vegemite as an industrial sealant, glue, makeup, blood substitute, and fertilizer. Its use in torture is banned on over 500 worlds.

After Clow reopened, several aliens and staff members asked to have their pictures taken with Dunlop and Nickell.

“Nickell taught me to really investigate a mystery, not just point a machine at it.” Said Williams.

“Dr. Rachael Reports is the reason I don’t destroy the Earth.” Said Goglack. “She restores my faith in humanity. I always download the Skeptic Zone whenever I visit her planet!”

When this reporter tried to reach Dunlop, Skeptic Zone regular Maynard answered the phone. He explained that Dunlop and Saunders were out doing a Mystery Investigators’ show. Maynard also denied that Vegemite is banned in the United States.

“So Richard gets crushed. Dr. Rachie saves the base. What about me? Why can’t I interview the aliens? I did a good job interviewing people at Sexpo. Clow should be just like it, only with less distractions!”

Also in The Babbler:

Skeptics crushed at @healthyaddict Meetup
Rahm: Chicago needs revenue from UFO Base
Vets: Protect your pets from werefleas!
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/3/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Web Exclusive: Poke battle erupts between Mayor Claar and Mayor Rahm

What started as an informal meeting between Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar and Chicago Mayor-elect Rahm Emanuel turned into a non-Facebook poke battle.

Sources from both camps say the mayors met at the Bolingbrook Golf Club to have “a conversation.” After dining in the restaurant, the men, and their entourage, relaxed in the sauna. At some point, both men suddenly started jabbing their fingers at each other.

Sources disagree about the reason for the altercation.

Louis, who asked that we not use his last name, said Emanuel started it.

“Roger was bragging about the golf club. Then Rahm talked about the club’s losses. Roger then explained that the club is a long term investment. When Rahm offered to buy the clubhouse and have it moved to the South side, Roger asked how Rahm was going to balance his budget without parking revenue?”

Louis said that Emanuel turned red at the mention of the sale of Chicago’s parking meters. Emanuel, according to Louis, jumped up and poked Roger, telling him to never mention Chicago parking again.

“That’s when all hell broke loose!”

David, who asked that we not use his last name, claimed that Claar started it. According to David, during the conversation, Claar mentioned that he was thinking about retiring as Mayor and becoming a political consultant.

“Then Roger said that as one of the longest serving mayors, Rahm could learn a lot from him. Roger added that he could make sure that Rahm didn’t make any, ‘rookie mistakes.’”

Then, according to David, Rahm said that he wouldn’t make the mistake of creating a rubber stamp city council.

“I never knew Roger could move so quickly. But there he was, poking Rahm! That’s when I dove for cover.”

Both witnesses say the two mayors poked at each other for about thirty seconds.

“If there’s a poking martial art, those two are black belts!” Said Louis.

The battle ended, according to the witnesses, when both men jabbed each other’s index finger.  With each  recovering from the pain of jammed finger, both mayors vowed that this was "only the beginning!”

“It’s a good thing cities don’t have armies.” Said Louis. “Otherwise we’d be at war.”

When asked to comment, Emanuel denied this meeting ever happened.

“You know, the suburban, pro-supernatural tabloid tax is sounding better with each second I (expletive deleted) listen to you.

A spokesperson for Claar also denied that the mayor met Emanuel this week. He added that Claar couldn’t answer any questions because he was talking to representatives from Apple Computer.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Well how about this? My people will create a Brook Report app. You guy take thirty precent of their donations, and I'll be happy.  Maybe I'll make money from you guys if I record a song instead!"

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Bolingbrook officials prepare for possible Canadian invasion

Despite several public denials, village officials are preparing for the possibility of a Canadian invasion.

“If the Tea Party can’t get the unrest in Wisconsin under control, Canada might have to do it for them.” Said an official who asked to be called Joe. “Now if we assume that President Obama is too deep in bed with the public service unions, and the Tea Party faces a backlash when they shoot protesters, Prime Minister Stephen Harper will be asked to step in and restore order using the Canadian military.”

Joe also believes that in order to secure Wisconsin, Canadian forces would also have to secure neighboring “liberal strong holds.”

“Canada would have take over Chicago, the twin cities, and possibly Detroit to prevent Obama from using them as staging points. In other words, we’re in the path of Canadian tanks!”

Sarah, another official, who asked that we not use her full name, says current foreign invasion plans are “woefully out of date.”

“We dusted off two plans. One from 1976, which involved turning Old Chicago in to an ammunition depot. That can’t work now, because it was torn down years ago.”

Sarah also described a plan dated from 1985.

“According to the report, one of Mayor Bob Bailey asked the police department what would happen, ‘if Red Dawn happened in real life.’”

Sarah said that plan involved burning gun registration forms, arming teenagers before they fled into the country side, and locking up the library. The report, according to Sarah, also mentions that if the Soviets tried to invade, the Air Force would intercept the invasion force before it reached Illinois.

“Reagan didn’t spend billions on defense just to let the Soviets causally parachute onto American soil!”

“We’ve never planned for a Canadian invasion. We’re friendly towards each other. When is the last time someone screamed about illegal Canadians in America? Sure some of us steal their prescription drugs, but what’s a few pill between friends?”

Joe say the village is frantically trying to devise a plan to protect the residents of the village.

“We’ll help the military of course.” Said Joe. “But if the Canadian army enters Bolingbrook, there’s not much we can do, except ask them not to kill residents or damage the golf club.  We would, of course, send secret messages to the residents urging them not accept Canadian health care, or participate in any undemocratic parliamentary elections.”

Sarah doubts the unrest in Wisconsin will lead to an invasion.

“I think the Koch will just use the threat of a Canadian invasion to persuade Obama to end the uprising and work towards a bipartisan solution that will please the Koch brothers.”

When asked to comment, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar said he didn’t expect to see invading troops in Bolingbrook within his life time. If he did, he promised to resist them.

“I, for one, wouldn’t welcome our new Canadian overlords!”

Also in The Babbler:

Chicago mayoral candidates promise to investigate “Rods”
Brook Report to explain how General George Smith won Vietnam war
Wheaton backs down on plan to tax atheists
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/23/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Atheists terrorize Promenade

An atheist tries to demonstrate "evolutionary psychology."
Five members the Bolingbrook chapter of American Atheists were arrested following a Darwin Day demonstration at The Promenade Bolingbrook.

“We wanted to take atheism out of the convention rooms and into the streets.” Said John Z. Cunningham, president of the chapter. “We’ve been in the closet for too long! It’s time for us to join the new atheists and be out and proud.”

Cunningham claims the group’s wanted to perform a live demonstration of evolutionary psychology on the Promenade.

“Everyone knows that guys are wired to seek out sex, and females are wired to be selective. So we figured that a couple of us would see out females for sex and a couple of us would let the females around here know that they wanted sex and then some women would choose them. Why fight nature when you can use it to promote evolution?”

Bolingbrook police officers, who asked not to be identified, accused the group of harassing females. Officers then showed pictures of group members hold up signs with vulgar comments. The officers also played an audio tape of an alleged member of the group mentioning to women that American Atheists was offering a million dollar prize to any woman who would sleep with a member.

Cunningham admitted that there was a prize.

“Sure. Both teams were competing for the prize. The first team to get all of its members laid would be eligible for the prize. Money is a great motivator, and its OK, because we’re doing it in the name of atheist activism!”

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Martian Colonies agree not to destroy Green Bay

Green Bay will not be destroyed by Martians.
By Reporter X

Though annoyed by Green Bay Packers’s fans, the Martian Colonists agreed not to destroy Green Bay, WI. The decision followed two weeks of intense negotiations, moderated by Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.

“For forty-five years, no NFL team has annoyed us like the Packers have.” Said Martian Ambassador Quakc Glope. “Vince Lombardi taught his team to run the ball in cold weather. Big deal. He never coached a game on Olympus Mons. Yet he is revered as a God in Green Bay. Plus we do not understand why his worshipers wear spoiled cow milk on their heads?”

Glope blamed the city of Green Bay, because the team is owned by the city.

“We sent a clear message to Green Bay to apologize for sending their blasphemous transmissions to us. They are too stupid to understand basic blinking light messages. During this trip to your Super Bowl, we had had enough.”

Claar said once he heard about the Martian Colonists’ plans, he knew that he had to act.

“This is just a simple case of NFL films overselling the Green Packers many years ago.” Said Claar. “Sure, I felt a stirring in my heart whenever John Facenda said, “Lambeau Field.” The Martian Colonists, however, felt it was The Packers’s attempt to impersonate God. Lambeau is similar to their name for the most revered location on Mars.”

Glope refused to confirm Claar’s claim, but said that he appreciated Claar’s efforts to bring peace between Green Bay and the Colonies.

“For a creature from a primitive fossil fuel planet, he shows great wisdom. Maybe the great green field should be named after him. At the very least, he should be appointed Mayor for life.”

Claar smiled, and replied, “I don’t know if I am running for mayor in 2013, but saving Green Bay is sure to impress the thousands of Packers voters in Bolingbrook.”

Terms of the agreement were not released, but sources say that it included assurances that The Bears would try hard to beat The Packers twice a year.

When asked to comment, a receptionist for The Bears laughed and hung up.

A Packers’s fan, who asked not to be identified, was not impressed. “We have the right to tell the universe that this year’s Packer’s is the best ever! They were toying with the rest of the NFL by getting a sixth seed. That way they could win four in a row and embarrass every playoff team! I’m going to blog about it right now. Oh, and tell Jay Cutler that this middle aged man will take him on any time and any place!”

Cutler, when finally reached for comment, said, “I’ll take him on if he’ll let me hit his knee first. Seriously, once the NFL lockout starts, and the one week of looking at scab players will persuade Chicago to love me again! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to work on my game face by climbing these stairs and pretending that it doesn’t hurt!”

Also in The Babbler:

Blag Hag blogger denies she’s slowly melting
Anti-psychic kitty survives homeopathic overdose
Man claims Chicago is really an alien MMO
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/9/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Web Exclusive: Bolingbrook Survives Soviet Snow attack!

The Soviet Union, once the second largest superpower in the world and now a secret cabal, launched a major weather attack against the United States. The Chicago area caught the worst of it with high winds, thunder-snow, and bitter cold. The following is a team report from The Babbler’s staff.

Mayor Claar urges Republican mayors not to support Soviets

During the raging blizzard, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar urged Republican Mayors not to surrender to the Soviet Union.

From his bunker at The Bolingbrook Golf Club, Claar participated in a heated teleconference with fellow suburban mayors. Sources say that during the discussion one of the mayors suggested that they tell President Obama they were going to surrender to the Soviets as a “bargaining chip.”

Claar, according to the sources, stood up and yelled, “Are you (expletive deleted) nuts?”

Other mayors explained that they weren’t really going to surrender to the evil empire, but if they told Obama they would, he would give them anything they wanted.”

“This is not the time for bipartisanship!” Countered Claar. “This is a time for serious leaders like us to come together and resist this invasion.” Claar then added, “I now I don’t agree with our President. Sure I could have used more stimulus funds, and yes it was nice of Judy Biggert to give us some earmarks. Still, we shouldn’t pretend that we’re going to surrender to the communists, even it means more federal funds! That’s treason!”

Claar then added that not only would Bolingbrook resist the invasion, any mayor that surrendered to the communists would be considered, “In a permanent state of intoxication. Don’t even think of trying to drive through Bolingbrook!”

When asked to comment, Claar replied, “I could have dumped the excess snow into your parking lot, but I didn’t! Have your publisher give me a call.”

Trained Soviet snow snakes blamed for Lake Shore Drive mess

Chicago officials privately blame snow snakes for the stranded cars on Lake Shore Drive.

“Our camera’s showed a pack of snow snakes crossing the road.” Said Paul, claims to work for the Streets department. “They’re normally harmless. But when they started going after car tires, we knew something was wrong. No one could have anticipated a snow snake attack.”

No one was killed by the snakes, according to Paul, but local doctors did convince patients that their snake bites were really frost bites.

Though snow snakes have very short life spans, some experts say it is possible to train snow snakes. Some say it is possible that a secret government could train snow snakes to attack cars.

Christie Klein was one of the people stranded on Lake Shore Drive.

“The air was filled with snow snake fragments!” Said Klein. “Then the pieces came together. My partner said it was just ice blowing off Lake Michigan. I know better.”

Paul says that all the carts affected by snow snakes are being decontaminated. Authorities says they want to be sure they’ve destroyed all the snakes’ eggs.

“It’s going to take a long time.” Said Paul. “Fortunately, residents are buying the cover story that we’re incompetent. They’ll never suspect the truth!”

Village employees cite “The Brook Report”

While some have criticized Bolingbrook’s snow removal, and general response to the blizzard, village officials point to “The Brook Report” in their defense.

“They never miss a chance to slam Roger.” Said an anonymous employee. “The fact that they haven’t posted about the blizzard proves that we did a great job! Roger removed some of the snow from our streets. Do you trust Bonnie to remove any snow?”

Bonnie Alicea did not return our e-mails, but did post on The Brook Report that she was suspending her Village Trustee campaign, and would focus on running for Mayor in 2013.

Members of the Brook Report who spoke to The Babbler denied that she really ended her appeal to get back on the 2011 ballot because she was snowed in, and the judge refused to let her testify over the phone.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.