Saturday, January 15, 2011

Web Exclusive: Opposition parties respond to Bolingbrook 2011 State of the Village address

Every year, The Bolingbrook Babbler invites the opposition parties to respond to Mayor Roger Claar’s State of the Village address. This year, The Roger Claar Party, Post-modernists for Bonnie, The Homeopathy Party, The Twitter Party and The Tea Banger Party accepted our invitation.

The Twitter Party
"Tweeting to victory in The Brook!"

@bbmayor made yet another boring speech. #claarlame Vote for us and we'll limit all board meetings to 150 characters or less! #votettp040511


The Roger Claar Party
"A great mayor deserves a great party"

Wow! That’s all I can say. Despite the Democrat’s best efforts, Roger managed to persuade two international businesses to move to Bolingbrook! This will create hundreds of jobs for Bolingbrook. That means we’ll see business jets flying into Clow Airport and executives moving into Americana Estates!

Once again, Roger has brought growth to Bolingbrook! We were nothing before Roger became mayor. Then we became a fast growing suburb. Barrack Obama and the Democrats tried the destroy us, but they failed!

Roger has given us so much, but what have his trustees given him? Sure they vote with him. Most of the time. (We’re watching you Trustee Rick Morales!) Where’s their enthusiasm when they vote with the greatest mayor in history?

When the Democrat party proposed raising taxes, did the trustees rush to Springfield and chain themselves to the capital?

When Bonnie Alicea claimed she left Bolingbrook, did the trustees search every square inch of Bolingbrook to make sure she was really out of town? When she claimed that she only worked in Florida, did the trustees interview everyone in the state to check her claim.

Roger is a great mayor, but he doesn’t always select the best trustees. If only he would stop kicking us off the ballet, we’d show him what a truly supportive board is like.

So visit our web site, once we get the court injunction lifted, and we’ll tell which candidates to write in. Then on April 5th, don’t vote for the Me First Roger Second Party. Vote for The Roger Claar Party!

Dave Nelson
Founder and President of The Roger Claar Party

The Homeopathy Party
"Less is more"

Mayor Claar’s speech is just another example of politicians applying allopathic solutions to our problems. More businesses, more tax credits, more houses, more hospitals, more more more!

Everyone who is in tune with the world knows that the less of a substance you use, the more powerful its curative affect. For example, if you dilute caffeine in water to over 1023 power, it will become a sleeping solution! If you overdose on it, it won’t put you to sleep! Take that James Randi!

This effect isn’t limited to the seemingly magical effects of quantum mechanics. It also applies to public policy! A very small tax increase is actually a huge tax credit! Allowing a very small crime will result in greater public safety! Allowing a small business in a community will result in greater unemployment!

Since we’re not on the ballot, that almost guarantees a victory for us. But until we move to a homeopathic voting system, we’ll need more people to vote for us to ensure victory. Kind of counterintuitive, I know.

Still, if you want a voice on the village board that says less is more, or that one criminal can deter crime more than a dozen police officers, then we’re the party for you! When Roger laughs at us, we’ll tell him that no one laughs at an atomic bomb!

Paula K. Wilson
President of The Homeopathy Party, practicing homeopath, and pro-vaccine safety activist.

Post-modernists for Bonnie
"Towers open fire!"

The modernists say that Bonnie Alicea is ineligible to run for Bolingbrook Village Trustee. She says she says she filed petitions to distract the Bolingbrook political establishment and allow her friends to sneak onto the ballot. While her narrative against the Bolingbrook modernist construct is flawed, we fully support her war against modernism!

The skeptics, the Nazis, the medical establishment, and religionists says there is static reality, and we’re bound by its rules. We say there is no such thing as static reality. It’s all a series of conflicting narratives. If you change the narrative dictated to you, you can change your reality. It’s just like the principle behind The Secret and it can be the key to governing Bolingbrook!

If we rewrite the dominate narrative to give Bonnie a victory, what will happen when one set of rules says majority wins, but another set of rules say you must have been a resident for one year by election day? The Bolingbrook control system breaks down! From the chaos, a new narrative will be born!

Help us overthrow Roger and create a new reality! William S. Burroughs was a visionary. Language is breaking down. I’ll stop now!

Kathy Ginsburg
does it really matter?

The Tea Banger Party
"Patriots of the street!"

The Mayor, The Valley View School District, and The Brook Report are all out to get us! What do they have in common? They want big government to control what you can buy and what you can own.

They call us criminals because we believe in armed self-defense. They say we sell poison. We say it is everyone’s right to buy whatever they want. They say we take what we want. We say that’s the American way! Just ask the Indians!

The Mayor knows that the real Constitution is on our side! Back then if you wanted to pay your employees in food only, you could. And we know they didn’t tax whisky back then! They knew what would happen with an armed populous. Heck, you could own people back then, and the government didn’t care.

The government wants you to be afraid of us. We say they should be afraid of us. Things have to change! First we’re going to try the ballot box to get our way, but if we have to consider the only decent amendment in the Constitution we will! Because its the American Way.

So if you see us outside your polling booth, we’re just making sure that no one is trying to intimidate you into voting for the wrong party! We’ll even give you a bag of tea if you vote like a real American!

Patrick Armond
True Patriot of The Tea Banger Party

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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