|An aspiring Weather Channel Reporter trains in Bolingbrook.|
“Graphs and radar images get boring after a while.” Said Don Z. Parks of The Weather Channel’s Human Resources department. “Viewers want a human element to all kinds of weather stories. We’re looking for reporters that the audience can relate to as they’re getting blown away, snowed on or both.”
Parks says the center will teach correspondents how to maintain a telegenic presence while surviving severe weather. Bolingbrook was chosen for its relatively varied weather patterns and reasonably safe filming conditions.
“Bolingbrook is a good first step for someone from say, California or Hawaii.” Said Parks. “For many of our students, this will be their first exposure to low altitude snow, extreme humidity, and the seasons. Some people think that it’s warm all year long, and trees are always green.”
In addition to filming on location around Bolingbrook, the Weather Channel will build a center complete with wind tunnel, fog machine and mudslide simulator.
Said Park. “We were going to build a flood pool, but since Bolingbrook has frequent floods, we figured we’d saved the money. Bolingbrook really is great for our business.”
Added Park, “We expect more extreme weather over the next century. That means we’ll need more on the scene reporters. Who knows? We might even have to replace a few, but we don’t like to tell our recruits that. We just sell them on the excitement!”
Last Friday, The Weather Channel showed an outdoor demonstration class for Trustee Rick Morales. Each student was asked to report on the cold, calm weather that day, and make it interesting.
The first student, Mike L. Grant from Hawaii, smiled in front of the camera and started, “I’m here in Bolingbrook, IL, where it is cold. How cold? Open up your freezer and stick your hand inside.”
Famed Weather Channel Instructor Andrew Freeze (No relation to Amy Freeze), yelled cut! “You just told your audience to stop watching! Unacceptable!”
The second student, Robert Lyons from Miami, FL, walked into the snow and said, “We’re all familiar with water vapor and liquid water. Here in Bolingbrook, IL, it is so cold that water is turning into a solid. This white stuff I’m standing on is water. Solid water!”
“Not bad.” Said Freeze. “Needs more drama.”
The third student, Sheila Walters from Los Angeles, screamed, “Oh my God! My breath is igniting the air! Look at the smoke I’m creating. It’s so terrible! How can people survive? I’m going inside before my eyes are frozen shut!”
“Too dramatic!” Said Freeze. “Next!”
The final student, Jennifer McKnight from Houston, TX, took off her gloves and said, “Bolingbrook, IL is so cold that the human body has to struggle to stay warm. Right now, my hands are cold. If I stay out here any longer, my fingers and toes will die and turn black. Yet I will still be alive. I’ll be undead. So there is a real risk of Bolingbrookians becoming zombies today.”
McKnight then walked over to Morales and held the microphone to his face.
“Trustee Morales, does Bolingbrook have a plan to deal with seasonal zombies?”
Morales dropped his jaw and stared at the reporter for a few seconds. Then he pulled out his cell phone and made a call.
“Roger?” Asked Morales. “I’m sorry I ever voted against you. Can I go home and get warm?”
Also in The Babbler:
Chicagoans offer advise to frozen Southerners
Chicago autism conference votes to make aspirin a “autism agent”
Aliens offer to move the Earth closer to the sun
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/20/11
Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.