Thursday, January 20, 2011

Starbucks Trenta rage alarms authorities

A cup of rage?
Chicago and suburban authorities are reporting incidents related to Starbuck’s new Trenta
sized drinks.

Said officer Paul Offman of the Chicago police department. “Officially, they’re not serving the Trenta in Chicago, but we hear that Starbucks is doing some ‘guerrilla test marketing” in the area.

According to Offman, he saw a man in a wrinkled suit running in the middle of the street. The man, according to Offman, was shouting, “I can’t sleep! I can’t sleep! Somebody knock me out!”

When Offman restrained the man, he kept yelling, “It’s the cup! It’s the cup!” After “putting some sense into him,” the man claimed that he had Trenta iced mocha with quadruple shots of espresso.

“It should be illegal to serve 31 oz of highly caffeinated drinks.”

Another officer, Julie Wilton of the Lisle police department, said he’s also dealt with Trenta related incidents. In one incident, a woman refused to leave work.

“She said she felt great, and didn’t want to stop. Said she’d work for free as long as her cup was full. That’s when I noticed the huge Starbucks cup on her desk. That thing was unreal. Did 7-Eleven buy out Starbucks?”

When Wilton asked her to leave, the woman refused. Wilton said it took 5 officers to restrain the woman. She wouldn’t come down from her caffeine induced state for another 12 hours.

A source at Bolingbrook’s Adventist hospital claims the staff treated the first case of stomach damage from the Trenta. According to the source, an ambulance brought in a man with a funnel jammed in his mouth. A doctor poked him, then yelled, “My God! His stomach is gone!”

The source explained, “The average human stomach has about 900 ml of space. This guy poured two and half Trentas into his funnel. All that fluid in less than 30 seconds ruptured his stomach.”

Surgeons performed a gastric bypass on the man, saving his life. When the man woke up, he explained that his insurance wouldn’t pay for a gastric bypass, but would pay for emergency lifesaving surgery.

“He won’t be happy when he finds out that we reported him to his insurance company.”

No one at the Starbucks corporate headquarters would return our calls. But Amy Li, a manager at one of Bolingbrook’s three Starbucks, did agree to an interview.

“Don’t tell about the tests we’re not really doing in Chicago. I know about those alleged tests that we’re not really doing. Why don’t you ask me how I can make the Trenta experience a positive experience for you?”

Li defended the size of the new cup. “The Big Gulp is now 40 oz and no one has died from drinking that much pop. Fluids pass through the stomach fairly quickly. That why you can drink a six pack of beer and not die.  Besides, a third of the Trenta's space is taken up by ice.”

She also said that it wouldn’t have that much caffeine. “Four shots of espresso contain 300 mg of caffeine. That’s only slightly more than a cup of coffee, which has 240 mg of caffeine. No one complains if you have more than one cup of coffee. But offer just one Trenta, and everyone starts Starbucks bashing.”

A person in the back then yelled, “Amy, clean the tables!”

Li sighed, and said, “Someday, I will be a supervising manager and I will tell the other managers to clean the store!”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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