Sunday, January 30, 2011

Naperville denies permit for mummy march

Naperville’s immortal Egyptian residents will not be marching through the downtown to support the Egyptian uprising.

“We’re still in the midsts of an economic recovery.” Said a source familiar with the application. “The last thing our city needs is a bunch of mummies shambling through our downtown! Besides, mummy is the PC term for illegal alien zombie, and we don’t do PC here!”

Awi Djal, head of the secret Naperville Pharaoh Society, claims the permit was refused due to bigotry.

“As you can clearly see, I am not a zombie.” Said Djal, pointing to his silk suit. “We are tax paying residents of Naperville who just happen to have magically augmented lifespans!”

Djal said the group only wants to show support for the uprising against Hosni Mubarak.

“Now we don’t want democracy. That’s silly. We do think he is a horrible leader and the worst thing to happen to Egypt since Cleopatra ended the reign of the pharaohs. Look at how he treats his subjects. The pharaohs had the wisdom to build the pyramids to keep his subjects employed. It took Mubarak 30 years to realize that his subjects were suffering from poverty. Unacceptable.”

According to the permit request, The plan was for the society and other supporters to march through the downtown and end at the Riverwalk. After an invocation to the sun god Ra, Allah, and God, speakers from Naperville Arab Alliance, The DuPage Republican Party, The DuPage Democratic Party, The DuPage Vegan Alliance, The Naperville Coffee Party, and DuPage Pagan Alliance would then try to tie their issues to Egyptian uprising.

Djal claims that he and the other members of his society are thousands of years old. They were given immortality to help preserve Egyptian culture.

“Some of us still wish to see the world embrace traditional values and reject the Aramaic religions.” Said Djal. “Nowadays we just travel around the world and make sure that governments don’t try to steal our wealth. Personally, I would love to see the day when monotheism is rejected. Disbelieving all but one god is the path to disbelieving all gods. Plus it saddens me to think of all the naked poor people flooding the underworld. No one knows how to properly burry the dead anymore.”

Djal also says they while they were treated using rituals in The Book of the Dead, they are not technically mummies.   Is is possible, he says, that mummies could return to their bodies and rule over Egypt again.

"Only the divine power of the pharaohs can save Egypt now."

When asked to comment, Naperville Mayor George Pradel denied that the city ever received an application. If they did, he fully supported its rejection.

“We’re Naperville, we have a reputation to uphold. We don’t protest here. We donate money to The Tea Party and have them protest somewhere else.”

Djal says if the city does not reconsider their application, they will release embarrassing information about Joseph Naper, the founder of Naperville, to Wikileaks.

“We’ll see what happens to Naperville’s reputation when we release his diary! Clinton could have learned a thing or two from him!”

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Cutler: I’m tougher than my overweight middle-aged critics!
Salsa dancing tool of the devil?
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/3/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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