Sunday, January 9, 2011

George Smith barred from Clow UFO Base

By Reporter X

Sources at Clow UFO Base confirm that Bolingbrook resident George Smith and an unidentified companion were barred from entering Clow UFO Base.

Said Department of Interstellar Affairs spokesperson Brian Z. Buckman, “While we respect George’s years of military service, he still does not have the necessary security clearance to enter any visitor levels.”

Smith, a long time Bolingbrook resident, former campaign manager for Bonnie Alicea, is involved with The Brook Report Blog, and frequently speaks at Bolingbrook trustee meetings.

Department officials says Smith tried three times to gain access to the UFO base.

According to an a security guard, who asked that we not use her name, Smith approached her station near the official closing time of the airport.

“He was really nice to me.” Said the guard. “He thanked me for protecting the UFO base. Then he thanked the aliens for being such good neighbors. He thanked the support staff for keeping the aliens happy. After five minutes, I asked him what his business was. He replied that he needed be allowed inside the base. When I asked why, he said some more nice things about the staff.”

The guard said she asked him three more times what he business was at Clow. According to the guard, Smith then walked away, but thank her again for doing a good job.

The next day, while stationed in an outdoor post, Smith approached her again. This time, he was followed by someone trying to disguise themselves as a snowdrift.

“It was like watching someone trying to imitate Snake.” Said the guard. She decided to hear what Smith had to say before confronting both individuals.

Smith, according to the guard, thanked her for her dedication. Then he said that he needed to address the 109,298,291 Circuit Court of Extraterrestrial Affairs. The guard asked him for his pass.

“It was weird, George turned his back to me and started talking. Maybe he was addressing the snow drift? I had to tell him to address me, and not the snow.”

Smith, according to the guard, said that the court must hear his case because he is a potential abductee and he feels that he’s being treated unfairly.

“I told him that I read that Babbler article too, and I also read the followup article where the judge ruled that the court only has jurisdiction over alien/human relations.”

Smith then leaned towards the snow bank, and then tried to cite some interstellar cases.

“I told him that he needed to get a lawyer with proper clearance. Smith then begged me to make an exception for him.”

The guard told him to leave, or she would take “defensive measures” against him. Smith, according to guard, turned his back, talked for a bit, then walked away. The snowbank sneaked away a few seconds later.

The next day, Smith returned to the main reception of Clow UFO Base. This time a second guard greeted him.

“He said he had a ‘hearing aid.’ But it looked more like a bluetooth receiver.”

Smith, according to the second guard, said that he needed to present a petition to the Martian Ambassador. When asked why, he replied, “I think Mars needs to know about the injustices being committed--”

“Then Smith just stared at me for several seconds.” Said the second guard. “Finally, he said, ‘Mars needs to know about the violations to the Treaty of Miami being committed in Bolingbrook!’”

The guard immediately pressed the “situation button.”

“If he offended the Martian Colonies’s ambassador, or presented real treaty violations, the Martians would retaliate against Bolingbrook. Someone was trying to use George to destroy Bolingbrook!”

Other eyewitnesses, along with the guard, agree that Mayor Roger Claar entered the room, accompanied by two Men in Blue. Claar approached Smith and smiled.

“George,” Said Claar, “You may be a pain in my side, but I don’t want the Men in Black to get their hands on you. Let’s talk.”

As the two walked out, witnesses say Smith complimented the Bolingbrook Fire Department for the way they handled his house fire.

Claar later returned and said Smith wouldn’t return to the UFO Base.

When asked to comment, Smith denied ever trying to enter Clow UFO Base.

“Like I said in my Brook Report interview, I’m just thinking about appealing the election board's decision to reject my challenge to the Valley View School Board incumbents’ petitions. Bonnie said I shouldn’t present my evidence during the first hearing. I might present it during the appeal.”

Smith spoke to someone in the background, and then said, “I just remembered. I can’t talk to you because my hearing aids were destroyed in the fire. Good thing I wasn’t in my house at the time.”

Alicea could not be reached for comment.

Also in The Babbler:

The Babbler offers condolences to Arizona shooting victims
Humane Society calls for regulation of ghost pets
Lisle Trees approve new Police Chief
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/14/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

No comments: