Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Breaking News: Twenty anti-vaccine aliens arrested in Bolingbrook

By Reporter X

Twenty members of the Interstellar anti-vaccine terrorist group KukPu'K were arrested in Bolingbrook as part of a global arrest operation.

According to Jeffrey Klein of Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs, the alleged members of KukPu'K were planning series of “anti-educational events” in the Chicago area.

“Chicagoland has been a hot spot of pro-vaccine activity.” Said Klein. “Our suspects were attempting to brainwash mothers into becoming anti-vaccine activists, replace pediatricians with androids, and broadcast anti-vaccine propaganda through coded HD Radio Signals.”

According to Klein, KukPu’K is responsible for genocide of 30 races. KukPuk’K operatives spread anti-vaccination propaganda. When the civilization loses herd immunity, the operatives release highly contagious diseases. Very few of the targeted civilizations were able to regain herd immunity in time to save themselves.

KukPu’K’s leader, OpKop, say he is not anti-vaccine, but is pro-intelligence. In one of his transmission, OpKop says that any alien race stupid enough to drop its vaccination programs deserves to go extinct.

Klein then showed videos of some of the Chicago area arrests. In the first video, a hidden camera records two men trying to find words that rhyme with Nazi, Al-Qaeda, and Measles. When one of them says paparazzi, flash grenades go off. The aliens shed their human disguises only to be entangled in electrified nets. One of the aliens is subdued, while the other commits suicide by picking his brain out through his nose.

In the second video, a woman lecturing a class on the virtues of raw food. After explaining that cancer can be cured through diet, she takes a bit of pineapple. Almost instantly, she starts vomiting purple slime. The stench drives away students, many of them running away in horror. After the room is empty, three armed individuals, wearing blue hazmat suits, enter and point their guns at her. The woman removes her mask, and exposes her Jenny McCarthy t-shirt. As the officers secure her, she chants, “Whatever! Whatever!”

JuQuak, a representative from Doctors Without Planets, praised the efforts of department.

“I’ve worked with the commanders of Area 51, Saint Athens, and Mozdok. I must say that Clow’s leaders are the best and most ruthless when it comes to arresting these pro-pestilence terrorists.”

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar thanked JuQuak and issued a warning to the terrorist group.

“I’m proud to say that Bolingbrook arrested the number 13 and number 14 ranking leaders of KukPu'K. If they keep sending terrorists, we’ll keep arresting them, and before you know it, you’ll be out of 13th ranked leaders!” Claar later added, “Don’t even think of using George for your evil plots! Bolingbrook is a healthy village!”

The arrests were part of Operation Singled Stacked, a coordinated effort by UFO Bases around the globe to break KukPu'K cells on Earth. The arrests coincided with the release of a BMJ series accusing Andrew Wakefield of fraudulently running a study to falsely show that the MMR vaccine causes autism.

No one in the meeting would comment if Wakefield would be arrested as well.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

No comments: