Sunday, January 30, 2011

Naperville denies permit for mummy march

Naperville’s immortal Egyptian residents will not be marching through the downtown to support the Egyptian uprising.

“We’re still in the midsts of an economic recovery.” Said a source familiar with the application. “The last thing our city needs is a bunch of mummies shambling through our downtown! Besides, mummy is the PC term for illegal alien zombie, and we don’t do PC here!”

Awi Djal, head of the secret Naperville Pharaoh Society, claims the permit was refused due to bigotry.

“As you can clearly see, I am not a zombie.” Said Djal, pointing to his silk suit. “We are tax paying residents of Naperville who just happen to have magically augmented lifespans!”

Djal said the group only wants to show support for the uprising against Hosni Mubarak.

“Now we don’t want democracy. That’s silly. We do think he is a horrible leader and the worst thing to happen to Egypt since Cleopatra ended the reign of the pharaohs. Look at how he treats his subjects. The pharaohs had the wisdom to build the pyramids to keep his subjects employed. It took Mubarak 30 years to realize that his subjects were suffering from poverty. Unacceptable.”

According to the permit request, The plan was for the society and other supporters to march through the downtown and end at the Riverwalk. After an invocation to the sun god Ra, Allah, and God, speakers from Naperville Arab Alliance, The DuPage Republican Party, The DuPage Democratic Party, The DuPage Vegan Alliance, The Naperville Coffee Party, and DuPage Pagan Alliance would then try to tie their issues to Egyptian uprising.

Djal claims that he and the other members of his society are thousands of years old. They were given immortality to help preserve Egyptian culture.

“Some of us still wish to see the world embrace traditional values and reject the Aramaic religions.” Said Djal. “Nowadays we just travel around the world and make sure that governments don’t try to steal our wealth. Personally, I would love to see the day when monotheism is rejected. Disbelieving all but one god is the path to disbelieving all gods. Plus it saddens me to think of all the naked poor people flooding the underworld. No one knows how to properly burry the dead anymore.”

Djal also says they while they were treated using rituals in The Book of the Dead, they are not technically mummies.   Is is possible, he says, that mummies could return to their bodies and rule over Egypt again.

"Only the divine power of the pharaohs can save Egypt now."

When asked to comment, Naperville Mayor George Pradel denied that the city ever received an application. If they did, he fully supported its rejection.

“We’re Naperville, we have a reputation to uphold. We don’t protest here. We donate money to The Tea Party and have them protest somewhere else.”

Djal says if the city does not reconsider their application, they will release embarrassing information about Joseph Naper, the founder of Naperville, to Wikileaks.

“We’ll see what happens to Naperville’s reputation when we release his diary! Clinton could have learned a thing or two from him!”

Also in The Babbler:

Chicago braces for major Soviet snow attack
Cutler: I’m tougher than my overweight middle-aged critics!
Salsa dancing tool of the devil?
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/3/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Chicago on alert for homeopathic terrorists

Three homeopathic terrorists could be in the Chicago area, say members of the Green Squad.

“These individuals are extremely dangerous.” Said an officer who asked to be identified as R1. “They can take any benign substance, and reduce it into a poison.”

The Green Squad believes that the terrorists, members of the John Benneth Sympathic Alliance, want to unleash a homeopathic weapon of mass destruction during Super Bowl weekend. Chicago is believed to be one of their targets.

“There are operatives in each of the NFL playoff cities.” said R1. “If the Bears make it to the Super Bowl, we will be one of the targets.”

In addition to being Super Bowl weekend, the first weekend in February will also be the international 10:23 protest. Skeptical protesters around the world will deliberately overdose on homeopathic pills. If the protesters survive, they say it will prove that there is nothing in the pills.

Chicago officials fear that the terrorists want to stage a deadly counter-protest to prove the effectiveness of homeopathy. If the Chicago cell gets the go signal, they will try to find a normally harmless substance, like caffeine. They will take one drop of caffeine, add ninety-nine drops of water, and then shake the container. They will then take a drop of that solution, put it in another container, add ninety-nine drops of water, and then shake that container as well. After repeating the process five more times, the substance, according to homeopaths, now causes drowsiness. Each further dilution will make the substance more powerful.

Said Paula Omstead of the Chicago Homeopathic Association, “A responsible homeopath knows when to stop diluting. There’s terrorists have no such ethical limits.”

Some officials fear that the terrorists could try to turn a deadly homeopathic substance into an aerosol that they can spray in a public place. Others fear that that will put a drop of the substance into Lake Michigan, poisoning the Great Lakes.

“Thousands would be dead in a matter of seconds because of quantum mechanics.” Said Omstead. “I know these freedom fighters mean well, but homeopathic medicine would be hated forever, and allopathic medicine would be the only legal medicine left!”

R1 said that while the threat is serious, there are currently no plans to cancel the mayoral election and appoint Rahm Emanuel mayor.

The Chicago police refused to return our phone calls.

Emanuel made several unprintable remarks about The Babbler before hanging up.

When The Babbler tried to reach Benneth, a spokesperson replied that Benneth had never heard of the group, and did not support any form of terrorism.

“Mr. Benneth believes in fighting the modern medical establishment through the web and YouTube videos.”

In the background, a man sounding like Benneth said, “Homeopathy is the Jew of Nazi modern medicine!

A man replied, “Um, first of all, the Nazis believed in Homeopathy enough to test it. Second, that phrase isn’t trending well with potential Jewish supporters. You might want to change it.”

“Fine! Homeopathy is the Palestinian of the Israeli occupation!”

“Um, let me put this to you another way.”

Also in The Babbler:

Planet X ambassador visits Bolingbrook
H2O: You expect us to do Christ’s work for free?
Alien superstore voted down in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/27/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Starbucks Trenta rage alarms authorities

A cup of rage?
Chicago and suburban authorities are reporting incidents related to Starbuck’s new Trenta
sized drinks.

Said officer Paul Offman of the Chicago police department. “Officially, they’re not serving the Trenta in Chicago, but we hear that Starbucks is doing some ‘guerrilla test marketing” in the area.

According to Offman, he saw a man in a wrinkled suit running in the middle of the street. The man, according to Offman, was shouting, “I can’t sleep! I can’t sleep! Somebody knock me out!”

When Offman restrained the man, he kept yelling, “It’s the cup! It’s the cup!” After “putting some sense into him,” the man claimed that he had Trenta iced mocha with quadruple shots of espresso.

“It should be illegal to serve 31 oz of highly caffeinated drinks.”

Another officer, Julie Wilton of the Lisle police department, said he’s also dealt with Trenta related incidents. In one incident, a woman refused to leave work.

“She said she felt great, and didn’t want to stop. Said she’d work for free as long as her cup was full. That’s when I noticed the huge Starbucks cup on her desk. That thing was unreal. Did 7-Eleven buy out Starbucks?”

When Wilton asked her to leave, the woman refused. Wilton said it took 5 officers to restrain the woman. She wouldn’t come down from her caffeine induced state for another 12 hours.

A source at Bolingbrook’s Adventist hospital claims the staff treated the first case of stomach damage from the Trenta. According to the source, an ambulance brought in a man with a funnel jammed in his mouth. A doctor poked him, then yelled, “My God! His stomach is gone!”

The source explained, “The average human stomach has about 900 ml of space. This guy poured two and half Trentas into his funnel. All that fluid in less than 30 seconds ruptured his stomach.”

Surgeons performed a gastric bypass on the man, saving his life. When the man woke up, he explained that his insurance wouldn’t pay for a gastric bypass, but would pay for emergency lifesaving surgery.

“He won’t be happy when he finds out that we reported him to his insurance company.”

No one at the Starbucks corporate headquarters would return our calls. But Amy Li, a manager at one of Bolingbrook’s three Starbucks, did agree to an interview.

“Don’t tell about the tests we’re not really doing in Chicago. I know about those alleged tests that we’re not really doing. Why don’t you ask me how I can make the Trenta experience a positive experience for you?”

Li defended the size of the new cup. “The Big Gulp is now 40 oz and no one has died from drinking that much pop. Fluids pass through the stomach fairly quickly. That why you can drink a six pack of beer and not die.  Besides, a third of the Trenta's space is taken up by ice.”

She also said that it wouldn’t have that much caffeine. “Four shots of espresso contain 300 mg of caffeine. That’s only slightly more than a cup of coffee, which has 240 mg of caffeine. No one complains if you have more than one cup of coffee. But offer just one Trenta, and everyone starts Starbucks bashing.”

A person in the back then yelled, “Amy, clean the tables!”

Li sighed, and said, “Someday, I will be a supervising manager and I will tell the other managers to clean the store!”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Weather Channel to open correspondent training center in Bolingbrook

An aspiring Weather Channel Reporter trains in Bolingbrook.
The Babbler has learned that The Weather Channel will be opening a training center in Bolingbrook later this year. The center will teach prospective weather reporters how do live broadcasts during severe weather.

“Graphs and radar images get boring after a while.” Said Don Z. Parks of The Weather Channel’s Human Resources department. “Viewers want a human element to all kinds of weather stories. We’re looking for reporters that the audience can relate to as they’re getting blown away, snowed on or both.”

Parks says the center will teach correspondents how to maintain a telegenic presence while surviving severe weather. Bolingbrook was chosen for its relatively varied weather patterns and reasonably safe filming conditions.

“Bolingbrook is a good first step for someone from say, California or Hawaii.” Said Parks. “For many of our students, this will be their first exposure to low altitude snow, extreme humidity, and the seasons. Some people think that it’s warm all year long, and trees are always green.”

In addition to filming on location around Bolingbrook, the Weather Channel will build a center complete with wind tunnel, fog machine and mudslide simulator.

Said Park. “We were going to build a flood pool, but since Bolingbrook has frequent floods, we figured we’d saved the money. Bolingbrook really is great for our business.”

Added Park, “We expect more extreme weather over the next century. That means we’ll need more on the scene reporters. Who knows? We might even have to replace a few, but we don’t like to tell our recruits that. We just sell them on the excitement!”

Last Friday, The Weather Channel showed an outdoor demonstration class for Trustee Rick Morales. Each student was asked to report on the cold, calm weather that day, and make it interesting.

The first student, Mike L. Grant from Hawaii, smiled in front of the camera and started, “I’m here in Bolingbrook, IL, where it is cold. How cold? Open up your freezer and stick your hand inside.”

Famed Weather Channel Instructor Andrew Freeze (No relation to Amy Freeze), yelled cut! “You just told your audience to stop watching! Unacceptable!”

The second student, Robert Lyons from Miami, FL, walked into the snow and said, “We’re all familiar with water vapor and liquid water. Here in Bolingbrook, IL, it is so cold that water is turning into a solid. This white stuff I’m standing on is water. Solid water!”

“Not bad.” Said Freeze. “Needs more drama.”

The third student, Sheila Walters from Los Angeles, screamed, “Oh my God! My breath is igniting the air! Look at the smoke I’m creating. It’s so terrible! How can people survive? I’m going inside before my eyes are frozen shut!”

“Too dramatic!” Said Freeze. “Next!”

The final student, Jennifer McKnight from Houston, TX, took off her gloves and said, “Bolingbrook, IL is so cold that the human body has to struggle to stay warm. Right now, my hands are cold. If I stay out here any longer, my fingers and toes will die and turn black. Yet I will still be alive. I’ll be undead. So there is a real risk of Bolingbrookians becoming zombies today.”

McKnight then walked over to Morales and held the microphone to his face.

“Trustee Morales, does Bolingbrook have a plan to deal with seasonal zombies?”

Morales dropped his jaw and stared at the reporter for a few seconds. Then he pulled out his cell phone and made a call.

“Roger?” Asked Morales. “I’m sorry I ever voted against you. Can I go home and get warm?”

Also in The Babbler:

Chicagoans offer advise to frozen Southerners
Chicago autism conference votes to make aspirin a “autism agent”
Aliens offer to move the Earth closer to the sun
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/20/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Web Exclusive: Opposition parties respond to Bolingbrook 2011 State of the Village address

Every year, The Bolingbrook Babbler invites the opposition parties to respond to Mayor Roger Claar’s State of the Village address. This year, The Roger Claar Party, Post-modernists for Bonnie, The Homeopathy Party, The Twitter Party and The Tea Banger Party accepted our invitation.

The Twitter Party
"Tweeting to victory in The Brook!"

@bbmayor made yet another boring speech. #claarlame Vote for us and we'll limit all board meetings to 150 characters or less! #votettp040511


The Roger Claar Party
"A great mayor deserves a great party"

Wow! That’s all I can say. Despite the Democrat’s best efforts, Roger managed to persuade two international businesses to move to Bolingbrook! This will create hundreds of jobs for Bolingbrook. That means we’ll see business jets flying into Clow Airport and executives moving into Americana Estates!

Once again, Roger has brought growth to Bolingbrook! We were nothing before Roger became mayor. Then we became a fast growing suburb. Barrack Obama and the Democrats tried the destroy us, but they failed!

Roger has given us so much, but what have his trustees given him? Sure they vote with him. Most of the time. (We’re watching you Trustee Rick Morales!) Where’s their enthusiasm when they vote with the greatest mayor in history?

When the Democrat party proposed raising taxes, did the trustees rush to Springfield and chain themselves to the capital?

When Bonnie Alicea claimed she left Bolingbrook, did the trustees search every square inch of Bolingbrook to make sure she was really out of town? When she claimed that she only worked in Florida, did the trustees interview everyone in the state to check her claim.

Roger is a great mayor, but he doesn’t always select the best trustees. If only he would stop kicking us off the ballet, we’d show him what a truly supportive board is like.

So visit our web site, once we get the court injunction lifted, and we’ll tell which candidates to write in. Then on April 5th, don’t vote for the Me First Roger Second Party. Vote for The Roger Claar Party!

Dave Nelson
Founder and President of The Roger Claar Party

Sunday, January 9, 2011

George Smith barred from Clow UFO Base

By Reporter X

Sources at Clow UFO Base confirm that Bolingbrook resident George Smith and an unidentified companion were barred from entering Clow UFO Base.

Said Department of Interstellar Affairs spokesperson Brian Z. Buckman, “While we respect George’s years of military service, he still does not have the necessary security clearance to enter any visitor levels.”

Smith, a long time Bolingbrook resident, former campaign manager for Bonnie Alicea, is involved with The Brook Report Blog, and frequently speaks at Bolingbrook trustee meetings.

Department officials says Smith tried three times to gain access to the UFO base.

According to an a security guard, who asked that we not use her name, Smith approached her station near the official closing time of the airport.

“He was really nice to me.” Said the guard. “He thanked me for protecting the UFO base. Then he thanked the aliens for being such good neighbors. He thanked the support staff for keeping the aliens happy. After five minutes, I asked him what his business was. He replied that he needed be allowed inside the base. When I asked why, he said some more nice things about the staff.”

The guard said she asked him three more times what he business was at Clow. According to the guard, Smith then walked away, but thank her again for doing a good job.

The next day, while stationed in an outdoor post, Smith approached her again. This time, he was followed by someone trying to disguise themselves as a snowdrift.

“It was like watching someone trying to imitate Snake.” Said the guard. She decided to hear what Smith had to say before confronting both individuals.

Smith, according to the guard, thanked her for her dedication. Then he said that he needed to address the 109,298,291 Circuit Court of Extraterrestrial Affairs. The guard asked him for his pass.

“It was weird, George turned his back to me and started talking. Maybe he was addressing the snow drift? I had to tell him to address me, and not the snow.”

Smith, according to the guard, said that the court must hear his case because he is a potential abductee and he feels that he’s being treated unfairly.

“I told him that I read that Babbler article too, and I also read the followup article where the judge ruled that the court only has jurisdiction over alien/human relations.”

Smith then leaned towards the snow bank, and then tried to cite some interstellar cases.

“I told him that he needed to get a lawyer with proper clearance. Smith then begged me to make an exception for him.”

The guard told him to leave, or she would take “defensive measures” against him. Smith, according to guard, turned his back, talked for a bit, then walked away. The snowbank sneaked away a few seconds later.

The next day, Smith returned to the main reception of Clow UFO Base. This time a second guard greeted him.

“He said he had a ‘hearing aid.’ But it looked more like a bluetooth receiver.”

Smith, according to the second guard, said that he needed to present a petition to the Martian Ambassador. When asked why, he replied, “I think Mars needs to know about the injustices being committed--”

“Then Smith just stared at me for several seconds.” Said the second guard. “Finally, he said, ‘Mars needs to know about the violations to the Treaty of Miami being committed in Bolingbrook!’”

The guard immediately pressed the “situation button.”

“If he offended the Martian Colonies’s ambassador, or presented real treaty violations, the Martians would retaliate against Bolingbrook. Someone was trying to use George to destroy Bolingbrook!”

Other eyewitnesses, along with the guard, agree that Mayor Roger Claar entered the room, accompanied by two Men in Blue. Claar approached Smith and smiled.

“George,” Said Claar, “You may be a pain in my side, but I don’t want the Men in Black to get their hands on you. Let’s talk.”

As the two walked out, witnesses say Smith complimented the Bolingbrook Fire Department for the way they handled his house fire.

Claar later returned and said Smith wouldn’t return to the UFO Base.

When asked to comment, Smith denied ever trying to enter Clow UFO Base.

“Like I said in my Brook Report interview, I’m just thinking about appealing the election board's decision to reject my challenge to the Valley View School Board incumbents’ petitions. Bonnie said I shouldn’t present my evidence during the first hearing. I might present it during the appeal.”

Smith spoke to someone in the background, and then said, “I just remembered. I can’t talk to you because my hearing aids were destroyed in the fire. Good thing I wasn’t in my house at the time.”

Alicea could not be reached for comment.

Also in The Babbler:

The Babbler offers condolences to Arizona shooting victims
Humane Society calls for regulation of ghost pets
Lisle Trees approve new Police Chief
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/14/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Breaking News: Twenty anti-vaccine aliens arrested in Bolingbrook

By Reporter X

Twenty members of the Interstellar anti-vaccine terrorist group KukPu'K were arrested in Bolingbrook as part of a global arrest operation.

According to Jeffrey Klein of Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs, the alleged members of KukPu'K were planning series of “anti-educational events” in the Chicago area.

“Chicagoland has been a hot spot of pro-vaccine activity.” Said Klein. “Our suspects were attempting to brainwash mothers into becoming anti-vaccine activists, replace pediatricians with androids, and broadcast anti-vaccine propaganda through coded HD Radio Signals.”

According to Klein, KukPu’K is responsible for genocide of 30 races. KukPuk’K operatives spread anti-vaccination propaganda. When the civilization loses herd immunity, the operatives release highly contagious diseases. Very few of the targeted civilizations were able to regain herd immunity in time to save themselves.

KukPu’K’s leader, OpKop, say he is not anti-vaccine, but is pro-intelligence. In one of his transmission, OpKop says that any alien race stupid enough to drop its vaccination programs deserves to go extinct.

Klein then showed videos of some of the Chicago area arrests. In the first video, a hidden camera records two men trying to find words that rhyme with Nazi, Al-Qaeda, and Measles. When one of them says paparazzi, flash grenades go off. The aliens shed their human disguises only to be entangled in electrified nets. One of the aliens is subdued, while the other commits suicide by picking his brain out through his nose.

In the second video, a woman lecturing a class on the virtues of raw food. After explaining that cancer can be cured through diet, she takes a bit of pineapple. Almost instantly, she starts vomiting purple slime. The stench drives away students, many of them running away in horror. After the room is empty, three armed individuals, wearing blue hazmat suits, enter and point their guns at her. The woman removes her mask, and exposes her Jenny McCarthy t-shirt. As the officers secure her, she chants, “Whatever! Whatever!”

JuQuak, a representative from Doctors Without Planets, praised the efforts of department.

“I’ve worked with the commanders of Area 51, Saint Athens, and Mozdok. I must say that Clow’s leaders are the best and most ruthless when it comes to arresting these pro-pestilence terrorists.”

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar thanked JuQuak and issued a warning to the terrorist group.

“I’m proud to say that Bolingbrook arrested the number 13 and number 14 ranking leaders of KukPu'K. If they keep sending terrorists, we’ll keep arresting them, and before you know it, you’ll be out of 13th ranked leaders!” Claar later added, “Don’t even think of using George for your evil plots! Bolingbrook is a healthy village!”

The arrests were part of Operation Singled Stacked, a coordinated effort by UFO Bases around the globe to break KukPu'K cells on Earth. The arrests coincided with the release of a BMJ series accusing Andrew Wakefield of fraudulently running a study to falsely show that the MMR vaccine causes autism.

No one in the meeting would comment if Wakefield would be arrested as well.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

“Safe Fluids” PSA filmed in Bolingbrook

Image from a "Safe Fluids" PSA
The Safe Fluids Committee filmed a controversial public service announcement in Bolingbrook and hopes to release it later this month.

Explained SOF President Tonya Y. Edwards, “There are many things they’re not telling us, and we hope this PSA will educate the public about the fluids the government allows into our homes."

Edwards showed The Babbler raw footage of The PSA. In the video, Edwards is standing by Barber’s Corner.

“Did you know that an element found in bleach, acids, and nuclear weapons is flowing under your community?” Says Edwards.

Images of the victims of radiation are flashed on the screen. “Did you know that you could be giving this element to your children?” Pictures of innocent children are flashed on the screen.

Edwards is then standing in front of one of Bolingbrook’s sewage treatment plants. Covering her nose, she says, “These fluids have to be treated at taxpayer expense, before being released into the environment. Yet, some communities want to tax you to put these fluids into your home.”

She then concludes by standing in front of Bolingbrook's village hall.

“You have the right to demand safe fluids in your community. Tell your mayor and your representatives that you don’t want dangerous elements flowing into your home. If you won’t do it for yourself, do it for the children!”

When asked about her claims, Edwards replies that Bolingbrook, and other municipalities, use “unstable quantum water, which contains hydrogen.

Explained committee member David Z. Epson, “In quantum mechanics, it’s all about probability and the observer. So there’s always the probability that large quantities of water will either turn into hydrogen peroxide or release its hydrogen. If an observer is in a bad mood, the probability of these quantums increases.”

Added committee member Carl Q. Quan, “This happens quite frequently, but they’re covered up as either gas main explosions or poisonings.”

Epson explained, “Please keep in mind, that we’re not anti-water. We’re pro-safe fluids. In 2007, water killed 3,443 people. That should tell you something. We should ask ourselves, why does the government want to put water into our homes?”

Epson denies the “popular myth” that water is a vital to living creatures.

“No one dies from too little water. They die from either too much or too little solar energy.”

Edwards admits that her family and her have a “water addiction.” She said that she will deal with their addiction once water is replaced with safe fluids. “It might take people dying from water withdrawal before the government will stop imposing water on us.”

When asked to comment, Mayor Roger Claar laughed and said, “All I l know is that I’m a father, and my daddy instinct tells me that water is vital to human life. Seriously, if someone thinks they can live without water, they should try to win The Million Dollar Challenge.”

Edwards seemed unconcerned by Claar’s remarks or a possible boycott by the skeptics movement.

“I’ve received countless e-mails from supporters, lots of donations, and we have numerous agencies who will distribute our PSA. We can’t be stopped.”

Quan then said, “Um, since when is two considered numerous?”

“Since you decided that you wanted to remain on my committee.” Replied Edwards.

Also in The Babbler:

Richard Saunders exiled to Chicago
Chicago Historian: Packers created by Satan
Bolingbrook election board rejects alien trustee candidate
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/6/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.