Friday, December 30, 2011

The Babbler’s shocking predictions for 2012!

Will Tim Tebow die to absolve humanity of the sin of being a Packer fan?

Once again, 2011 was a banner year for our psychics.  They predicted that Jennifer McCreight wouldn’t organize another Boobquake, and that Obama would avoid another government shutdown.  

The Chicago Skeptics might argue Greenland didn’t fall into the sea, Roger Claar didn’t appoint Bolingbrook’s government, and Dr. Oz wasn’t confronted by Orac in Chicago.

True.  Predicting the future is not an exact science.  But we will point out that Dr. Oz was confronted by Dr. Steven Novella on the Dr. Oz show.  Hey, sometimes its hard to tell skeptical doctors apart.

So with that, we’re proud to present our psychics predictions for 2012.  They may shock you, but when these events happen, don’t say you weren’t warned!

Monday, December 26, 2011

Happy Boxing Day!

Publisher Chris Olson
Editor Sara Langston
Reader's Editor Doug Fields

Happy Boxing day from the Staff of The Babbler.  We're taking the day off, but keep an eye on this site for our shocking predictions for 2012!

We'll also have a very special announcement in 2012!

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Web Exclusive: Santa gets Bolingbrook business license at the last minute.

Santa won't get arrested in Bolingbrook this year for breaking and entering.  Thanks to an emergency vote by the Bolingbrook Board of Trustees, Santa now a one year license to "run a surprise delivery business within the boundaries of Bolingbrook."

"The credit really goes to Mayor Roger Claar."  Said a village official who asked not to be identified.  "He remembered on Christmas Eve that they forgot to give Santa his annual license to deliver presents.  So while another mayor would have given up and told the police to ignore an obvious crime, Roger solved the problem."

According to the sources, Claar ordered the trustees to an emergency meeting.  The trustees, not wanting to miss Christmas Eve dinner, quickly granted Santa's annual license for  2011.  Claar then ordered the police ignore Santa.

"The last thing this village needs is to known as the place that arrested Santa."  Claar allegedly said.  "Can you imagine how that would harm our efforts to attract new business?"

This secret tradition started in 1966.  Some residents were concerned that if Santa could enter homes without a warrant, a future police department might cite the "Santa Prescient" to enter homes at any time.

"This was before 9/11 of course."  Said a village historian who asked not to be identified.

When asked to comment, Claar yelled, "It's Christmas Eve!  I'm trying to eat dinner with my family!  And no, my daughter will not run for mayor in 2013, and she's not getting married to an alien prince!  Merry Christmas!"

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Watchdogs of Bolingbrook cancels “Until Roger Quits” campaign

Sources with connections within the “Watchdogs of Bolingbrook” blog say they have canceled a campaign against Mayor Roger Claar.

The campaign, “Until Roger Quits,” was inspired by the “Until Abortion Ends.” campaign.  Like that campaign, village residents were asked to make a sacrifice until Claar resigns, or is voted out of office.

“They expected people to make minor sacrifices, like giving up coffee, or soda.”  Said a source.  “People are giving up for those things for something a major as abortion.  They thought people wouldn’t go that far for Roger.  Just enough to make a point.”

Instead, the sources agree that two people were injured only a few days before announcing the campaign.

Paul Z Liano, a 12 year Bolingbrook resident, claims he tried to hold his breath until Mayor Claar resigned.

“Roger wants to turn Bolingbrook into a Socialist republic!”  Cried Liano.  “I had to do something.  So I sent him an e-mail, and started holding my breath!”  After several attempts, Liano became frustrated.

“I knew he doesn’t always respond to e-mails, but come on!”  Said Liano.  Liano then put tape over his mouth and nose.  Liano then remembers waking up in Adventist Bolingbrook.

“The nurses said that Roger saved my life.  He sent the police to check up on me, and they rescued me.  (Expletive Deleted!)  Thanks to our mayor, I’m tied up in his hospital!  I’m not suicidal!  I’m a political prisoner of Roger!”

Donald, who asked that we not use his last name, claims that he gave up sobriety.

“If Roger is going to socialize my water, I was going to drink booze instead.”  Said Donald.  “So I parked myself in a bar, and sent Roger a text message.”

Donald drank.  And Drank.  And Drank.  Until he woke up in Adventist.

“I asked them for a drink, and they gave me water.  Water!  I don’t want Roger’s water!  I want my booze.  I have a First Amendment right to drink booze until Roger resigns!”

When asked to comment, a spokesperson for The Watchdogs denied they even considered an “Until Roger Quits” campaign.

“Until Roger quits, you have a choice.  You’re either with us, or you’re against us.  If you’re against us, then you’re with Roger.  If you’re with Roger, you’re with the local 1 percent.  If you’re with the local 1 percent, that makes you evil!”

When this reporter called Claar, his receptionist said he was too busy to comment.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Until Bonnie stops complaining, I’m going to keep running my village!”

Also in The Babbler:

Typhon the Terrible visits Clow UFO Base.
South Elign: We don’t have too many police officers!
Happy Holidays from The Babbler
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/25/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Adele leaves Clow UFO Base rolling in the boos

Adele, minutes before her alien audience rioted.
(Photo based on a work by Nikotransmission)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO base continued a holiday tradition with another disastrous holiday concert.

The concert ended with 130 arrests, 240 injuries, and a classified amount of property damage.

“We prefer to highlight the lack of deaths and drug related arrests.”  Said John X. Riverton, a spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Extraterrestrial Affairs.  “Try going to human concert without getting a contact high.  You couldn’t get high at our Winter Festival of Human Music.”

Riverton also denied that concert’s problem was related to “the curse” of Chicago radio personalities Eric and Kathy.  

“Eric and Kathy used their only hosting opportunity to tell The Aristocrats joke.  Not only did they offend the morally upright visitors, they also bored the more open-minded civilizations present with their PG-13 version of the joke.  Despite the interstellar legends, Eric and Kathy did not curse our concerts after being barred for life.  Our past performers were perfectly bad on their own.”

The theme for this year’s concert was “Modern Western Hemisphere Dance Music.”  Sources close to the planning of the concert, felt that they could avoid past problem by focusing on one genre of music.

“If we just used some artists featured on B96, it would be simple.”  Said a source.  “We figured they’d turn on their synthesizers, do a dance, lip-sync, and collect their paycheck.  It didn’t work out that way.”

The concert started slow with a performance by artist September.  Some in the audience were warned after trying to scan her thoughts.

“I just wanted to experience the party in her head.”  Said Rin Gansu from Kepler 35c.

The concert took a turn for the worst when a very pregnant Dev took the stage.  Dev sat down throughout her entire performance, drinking water and eating food.

“Yum! Pickled chocolate!”  Exclaimed Dev.  “You guys really are from an advanced civilization!”

Near the middle of her performance, a hackler slammed her lack of dancing.

“I am came here to watch electronically enhanced human mating rituals!”  Said the unidentified heckler.  “I do not need to watch the product of those rituals.  I examine them every day.

“You try (expletive deleted) dancing while carrying a baby!”  Countered Dev.

“I can fix that problem!”  Yelled the heckler.  When the Men in Blue started dragging the heckler away, it added, “Only temporarily!  I meant only temporarily!”

While performing her hit song, “In The Dark,” the audience turned against her when she sang, “Sex/Drugs/Push to start.”  Dev stopped her performance, and cried, “You guys think I would do that while pregnant?  (Expletive deleted) you!  (Expletive deleted) all of you!  I hope you get AIDS the next time you stick an anal probe into someone!”

She cried while running off stage.

Adele shocked the audience when she walked on stage wearing a cowboy hat and Country-Western styled dress.  The audience grumbled when announced that she would only perform songs from her upcoming album.  The grumbles turned into screams as fiddle music came out of the speakers, and her dancers started square dancing.  

Adele only got five minutes into her performance before some members of the audience started rioting.  The Men in Blue fired tear gas and riot foam into the crowd  Adele was hurriedly escorted off stage while authorities restored order.  The crowd cheered after a Man in Blue announced that she would not finish her performance.  

“Country music is universally hated!”  Said an anonymous staff member.  “She could have started a war.  What was she thinking?  Why couldn’t she sing one of her songs about being dumped by a guy?  Getting rejected by a mate is a universal theme!”

Backstage, the 23 year old British artist explained herself.

“I should have been the headlining act, but they gave it to Kesha!”  Said Adele.  “If they’re not going to appreciate my music, then why should they care what I sing.  I made this my Bob Dylan goes electric moment!  So what if they didn’t like it.  They’re aliens.  That means they’re alien!  So why should I care that a bunch of aliens from an alien planet like Kesha better than a nice woman with a critically acclaimed singing voice!  I’m not bitter!  I said I’m not bitter.  After they wipe my memory , I’ll find someone better then those aliens!  I don’t have to be universally loved.  I just have to find one person to love me.  Just one!”

Adele ran away, bursting into tears.

After restoring order, Clow officials nervously awaited the start of Kesha’s performance.

“We told her not to make things worse.”  Said another staff member.  “But you never know with those music-star types.”

Their fears eased, when Kesha walked on staged wand waved to the cheering crowd.  

The Internet says I’m bigger than The Beatles!”  Yelled Kesha.  “Let’s dance!”  

The aliens seems to enjoy her performance, and The Men in Blue stood down.

“Kesha excites all ten of my senses!‘  Said Mu Goo, a fan who traveled all the way from the Small Magellanic Cloud to see her.

After the show, she dismissed her critics.

“Big stars like me can be so competitive.”  Said Kesha.  “It’s really stupid, if you think about it.  I mean we’re all going to end up on a VH1 reality show at the end of our careers.  It’s unavoidable, so all you can do is enjoy the ride before you’re at the mercy of a reality show producer.”

Kesha sniffed herself.  After liberally using body spray on herself, she splashed glitter all over her body and face.

“Better.”  She said.

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar could not be reached for comment because, “He is practicing martial arts on his desk.”

Also in The Babbler:

Tim Tebow:  God doesn’t love me more than The Bears
Aliens celebrate Bolingbrook Raider’s State Football Championship
Claar: I won’t ask the military to indefinitely detain Bonnie.
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/16/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Letters to the Editor: Skeptics, Bug Foot and Occupation!

By Doug Fields
The Reader’s Editor

Doug Fields here.  It took awhile, but we finally have a batch of letters to worthy of publishing.  Sure you can post a comment on the site, but only a worthy few will get a letter to the editor published.  If you think you’re up to the challenge, send an e-mail to

The first letter is from our rivals, The Chicago Skeptics.  Apparently they’re holding some kind of convention.
To the Editor:
Registration is now open for SkeptiCamp Chicago 2012, an open skeptical convention which takes place on January 28, 2012.  
SkeptiCamps are informal, lively and entertaining day-long events where participants gather to learn and talk science and critical thinking. The last SkeptiCamp in Chicago, Skepchicamp 2010, had over seventy participants. Chicago SkeptiCamp 2012 aims to provide a platform for all skeptics to share their favorite subjects with the rest of the skeptical community. The public is invited to SkeptiCamp 2012 to engage in conversation and exercise critical thinking in the exploration of issues new and old. All attendees are encouraged to participate by either speaking or helping out. 
SkeptiCamp 2012 has 15 speaker slots.  First time speakers are encouraged to try making a presentation in a supportive, friendly environment.  If there are more speakers than slots, speech topics will be brought for a vote.  There will also be space for poster presentations.
Anyone interested in participating should go to  More information about SkeptiCamps around the world can be found at 

The Chicago Skepics and Chicago SkeptiCamp 2012 
Chicago, IL

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Web Exclusive: Interstellar Court tosses Burzynski Clinic lawsuit

By Reporter X
An extraterrestrial judge threw out a libel suit filed on behalf of The Burzynski Clinic.

“In all my years serving on interstellar courts, I have never seen such an abuse of libel laws.”  Said Judge Kilos Surgon of the Clow UFO Base Court of Extraterrestrial Affairs in the 109,298,291 Circuit.  “Well, except in the United Kingdom, of course.”

The suit, filed by the firm of Kuazon and Corplos, accused famed Interstellar skeptic Dischum of “attempting to destroy the reputation of the brave maverick Dr. Stanislaw R. Burzynski and his struggle against Oncology!”

The plaintiffs specifically mentioned this quote from Dischum:  “Based on what I have read in posts by Dr. David Gorski, Andy Lewis, and Rhys Morgan, in the medical media, I do not believe in his antineoplastons treatment.”

Before the defense could state their case, the judge asked if the plaintiffs had objective scientific proof that Burzynski’s treatment worked.

“Why should we let science stand in the way of justice?”

“Why should justice obscure the truth?”  Retorted the judge.

“Because it’s justice?” Answered the plaintiffs.

The judge dismissed the case without listening to the defense.

A spokesperson said the firm would appeal.

“Justice is the highest ideal in galaxy!  Why should we let the so-called seekers of truth and their science based minions obscure justice?  Dr. Burzynski is not getting justice because interstellar scientists won’t give him credit for his hard work.  You can’t test for hard work!”

The firm also confirmed that they were not commissioned by the clinic to file the lawsuit.  Instead, they file lawsuits like these in Interstellar Court.  Any winnings are kept by the firm until humanity is allowed to learn the truth about the interstellar community.  Until that time, the firm collects the interest on the winnings.

“This is a win-win.”  Said the spokesperson.  “We will earn money in the short run.  Burzynski’s decedents will eventually get a large lump sum payment.”

Dischum could not be reached for comment.

A receptionist for the clinic yelled something about an “Internet lynch mob!” and hung up.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Occupied Chicagoland: A Babbler special report

Anti-psychic Kitty poses for an Occupy Bolingbrook picture.

Anti-psychic kitty elected leader of Occupy Bolingbrook

The most skeptical creature on Earth and columnist for The Babbler, Anti-psychic kitty is now the leader of Occupy Bolingbrook.

“After we setup the Meetup page, we realized that we needed someone to distract (Mayor) Roger (Claar).”  Said Robert Finn, one of organizers of Occupy Bolingbrook.  “So we thought we’d follow Occupy Denver’s example and elect an animal as our leader.”

A self-described fan of The Babbler, Finn said Anti-psychic Kitty was an obvious choice for the general assembly.  “All three, I mean all of us, like his work.  He’s the smartest columnist in Bolingbrook.  Plus his anti-psychic powers will prevent Roger from using psychics from spying on us.  Not that we have anything to hide, except where the first camp site will be.  We want him to be surprised when we pitch the tents!

Finn also hopes that Anti-psychic Kitty will use his column space to promote the 99 Percent movement.

Anti-psychic Kitty, speaking through a facilitator communicator, accepted the position.

“I doubt I was elected to lead the group, and that’s OK.  It may be a joke to them, but to me, it is an opportunity.  An opportunity to talk to Mayor Claar about how the foreclosure crisis victimizes pets.  Maybe he can help spread the word that pets shouldn’t be left in abandon homes.  Cats, like me, love our homes, but we also love our families and we like to be fed and watered.  Dying alone in a dark cold home is a terrible way to go.  People should also support shelters like Humane Haven Animal Shelter.”

When asked to comment, Claar replied, “I refuse to negotiate with The Babbler’s sock puppet!  If they want to camp in our parks, they better tell me in person!  I’ll even let them do that hand waving thing!”

Occupy Naperville considers expanding to Sundays.

Sources with friends within Occupy Naperville say the group is considering marching adding Sunday marches to their schedule.

“The Saturday marches are working out for us.”  Said Dawn, who asked that we not use her last name.  “We hold up signs and wave American flags as we march towards the downtown.  Then after the General Assembly, we’ll get a bite to eat at one of the great local restaurants, then go home.  No wonder the 99 Percent movement is catching on!”

Monday, November 21, 2011

Will fake artificial limbs connect with the public?

An ad for a fake artificial limb.

Could the hottest Christmas gift this year be the fake artificial limb?  Chicago Express Prosthetics hopes so.

“Now you don’t have to be veteran, diabetic, or have an unfortunate accident in order to enjoy one of our fine prosthetics.”  Said Paul Kramerson, owner of CEP.

The limbs are actually plastic covers that can be placed over an arm or a leg.  CEP makes standard sizes that can be ordered on their web site.  They will, for an undisclosed fee, create custom “limbs” for walk-in customers.

“Sure you can put a tattoo on your arm.”  Said Kramerson.  “But you can do so much more with our covers.  We can add an iPod holder, spell-out your name with embedded fake diamonds, or add sound activated lights.  Our old customers wanted prosthetics that bended in with their bodies.  The next generation of customers can expect a fuller, more entertaining experience with our fake artificial limbs.”

Kramerson hopes the plaster the Web with ads by Friday, and start taking web orders by Cyber Monday.  He added that he already has several “high profile orders.”

“We’ve had several orders from up and coming rappers who’ve ordered our covers.”  Said Kramerson.  “Their fans will think they really lost a limb, and that will give them instant credibility.  Sure Fifty-cent was shot, but he still has his limbs.  Plus his tattoos won’t compare to our pimped out fake limbs!”

The idea for fake artificial limbs came from Jamie Henderson, a resident prosthetist at CEP.  According to Henderson, she was along when an unusual visitor stopped by the office.  

“He still had all of his limbs.”  Said Henderson.

The visitor, according to Henderson, asked to be “pre-measured” for an artificial limb.   When she asked him why, he replied that he was going to saw off his left leg.”

“He assured me that a web site taught him how to do it safely.”

When asked why, the visitor said he felt his leg was “alien” and no longer a part of him.

“It’s a prosthetist’s worst fear.”  Said Henderson.  “A patient with Body Integrity Identity Disorder.  He was right in front of me, and there was no one in the office I could ask for help.”

After failing to persuade the visitor to accept his leg, Henderson offered a compromise.  

“I had some old parts from my other projects.  I didn’t have much time, so clubbed together a cover for his leg.  When I put it on him, I said that he could now enjoy the stiffness and discomfort of an artificial limb without the risk of an amputation.  If it looked alien to him, than he could accept that it wasn't part of him.  ”

The next day, the visitor called Kramerson.

“He kept going on about how he loved his leg again.”  Said Kramerson.  “He also said that his friends wanted their own covers.  At first, I wanted to have a long talk with Jamie, but then I recognized the beginning of a viral marketing campaign!”

If the covers catch on this Christmas season, Kramerson hopes that the mass produced parts will also lead to higher profit margins for their real prosthetic products.

“I wouldn’t have handled that patient the way Jamie did.”  Said Kramerson.  “But thanks to her quick thinking, I’m going to own a very profitable company.  Bring on the Medicare cuts!  I’m ready!”

Also in The Babbler:
Mayor Claar: Don’t occupy Americana Estates!
Wereturkeys spotted in Chicago
Homeopaths fail to cure Jay Cutler
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/24/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Web exclusive: The ‘one percent’ criticize Bolingbrook Police Department for ‘insufficient brutality’

The ‘one percent’ sent a message to Bolingbrook’s village government criticizing their response to Tuesday’s protest against Rep. Adam Kinzinger and Condoleezza Rice.

“Your police department showed insufficient brutality when confronted with an Occupy front group.”  Read the courier message, which was delivered to Trustee Rick Morales, who is also vice-president of commercial banking at Charter One Bank.  “Perhaps you did not get the memo from our last meeting.  We clearly stated that any Occupy protest must be met with a minimum of 20 arrests.  Pepper sprayed individuals count towards that quota.  Your officers did even attempt to inflict discomfort on any rabble.”

The ‘one percent’ reminded village officials that they would be compensated for the “inconvenience” of “aggressively enforcing Time Place and Manner restrictions.”  They also promised to flood all local media with “messages designed to support the police department and belittle residents making less than two million dollars.”

Officer Bob, who asked that we not use his last name, defended the Bolingbrook police.

“They were just holding up signs outside the golf club.”  Said Bob.  “They didn’t disrupt the meeting.  Heck, they didn’t even do a mic check.  They protested, and we made sure it didn’t get out of hand.”
Officer John, who also asked that we not use his last name, said the department can’t afford any more controversy.  “Have you ever sat through a training session telling you not to date a minor, or make your wife disappear?  I’d never felt so insulted in my life, and I don’t want to go through that again.”

Added Office Bob, “We’re part of the 99% too.  We just want to make Bolingbrook safe from gangs, petty criminals, domestic abusers, and obnoxious teenagers.  Beating up peaceful protesters doesn’t help.”

Chief of Police Kevin McCarthy and Mayor Roger Claar refused to comment for his article.
The Babbler did receive a copy of Claar’s response to the ‘one percent.’

“Next time you have a complaint about Bolingbrook, send the message directly to me, and then I will forward it to my trustees!  You may be the richest one percent in America, but when it comes to Bolingbrook, I’m number one!”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Mayor Claar defends Carl Sagan Day trip to intergalactic space

By Reporter X
Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar defended his trip last week to watch the Milky Way rise over the horizon of a planet.
“Sure it was great to see a spectacular view.”  Said Claar, “It was also a business trip to generate more trade in Bolingbrook.  Did I mention that I didn’t spend a single dime of covert tax money?”
Gaxton, a planet with a full evening view of the entire Milky Way, is a popular tourist attraction, and a busy Intergalactic trading post.  According to Claar, administrators from Earth Intergalactic bases will gather on Gaxton to celebrate Carl Sagan’s birthday.
“Carl believed in the beauty of the cosmos, and the importance of contact with other civilizations.  Gaxton is where Carl’s dream comes true.  I can enjoy the view while talking about intergalactic trade.”
Intergalactic trade, according to Claar, is important to Bolingbrook’s covert future.
“Earth’s economic recovery is too damn slow.  The Milky Way's economy is about to go into another depression.  Andromeda, on the other hand, is having an economic boom.  They’re buying and we’re selling at good prices.”
When asked, Claar couldn’t cite a specific trade agreement he had negotiated during the trip, but said there was potential.
“Our gravel is the finest gravel in the Milky Way.”  Exclaimed Claar.  “Any merchant from Andromeda can make a profit from the 5 year round trip.  Plus, we don’t have the burdensome taxes you’ll find at other urban UFO bases.  Seattle’s base comes to mind.”
Claar also denied charges by The Number Crunchers Clow that he was flying on a government owned spacecraft, and that he was trying to exploit Sagan’s birthday as an excuse to take a vacation.
“The black ops section of Skeptours had a great deal for this trip.  They’re a private company, not taxpayer funded.  Sure I had to spend a few days with some skeptics, but I learned things.  Did you know that Carl Sagan never knew the truth about aliens on Earth?  The New World Order wanted to give him plausible deniability whenever he talked about UFOs.  That’s sad.  He would have liked meeting some of the aliens I’ve met.”
He also added that he didn’t spend any of Bolingbrook’s funds to buy a ticket.
“All the funds came from my new charity.”  Said Claar.  “Just like my wife helps human at risk youth, my new foundation helps Clow’s at risk alien youth to become good interstellar citizens.  With the donations I’m amassing, this trip will pay for itself, and raise money for a good cause.”
When the Milky Way rose in the sunless sky, Claar addressed the visiting skeptics.
“Carl once said, ‘A still more glorious dawn awaits.’  Since the true leaders of humanity won’t let us destroy ourselves, someday we will travel here without alien assistance.  I just wish Carl could have lived to see that day.”
Also in The Babbler:
Anarchists kicked out of Occupy Oswego
Aliens deny stealing Perry and Cain’s brains
Claar:  No fracking under my home!
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/20/11 

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

The Lost Years 2006: Senator Barrack Obama conciliatory to Martian Colonial ambassador

By Reporter X

After meeting with the ambassador from the Martian Colonies at Clow UFO Base, Illinois Senator Barrack Obama briefly addressed the visitors and staff.

“There has been too much hatred between the Colonies and Earth.”  Said Obama, “So I want to say, yes.  Yes, we can compromise.”

Obama spent most of the speech explaining why the current course of Colonial/Earth relations is not sustainable.

“I want to change this discourse between our civilizations.  We can change so that the colonies do not feel the need to destroy Earth.  We can be the change that saves our planet.”

Obama also attacked “extremists on both sides” for the tense relations between the two worlds.

“Now some people in the New World Order, say, ‘Senator!  You want to give the Colonies 95% of what they want before we start negotiating.  Aren’t you betraying the human race?’  I say getting five percent of what you want is better than getting nothing.  On our current course, they will give us nothing, and we will have nothing.  There will be nothing left of Earth.”

Obama said that despite the criticisms, humanity will do what is best for its survival.

“I have the audacity to hope that the leaders on both worlds will turn away from the hateful path we are on.  I hope that they will change course, and lead us on a path that will allow both our civilizations to share this blessed solar system.”

The crowd gave the senator a standing ovation as he called upon God to bless both civilizations.  Clow staff members started chanting, “Yes, we can compromise!”

Obama’s speech even moved the normally stoic ambassador.

“Truly this is the best living speaker your civilization has!  We were going to ask for 99% of what we wanted, but after this speech, we’ll only ask for 96% of what we want.”

The senator smiled, and replied, “Thank you.  I will remember this the next time I am faced with a difficult negotiation.  Compromise is the key!”

After the speech, Obama briefly spoke with Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.

“Nice speech.”  Said Claar.  “You know, not that I should be giving you this advice, but you should considering shortening it a bit.  Maybe take out a few words.  Then you’ll have a great speech to give on the campaign trail.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”  Replied Obama.

“Don’t be too happy.  Next time, we’ll run either an Illinois resident or a veteran or both against you.”

“I look forward to the challenge.”

“We’ll also bring up Reverend Jeremiah Wright.”

Obama smiled.  “I doubt anyone will care about him.”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

The Lost Years 2005 ‘Katrina Abductor’ arrested at Clow UFO Base

By Reporter X
Bolingbrook’s Men in Blue arrested an alien suspected of being the “The Katrina Abductor.”  He is suspected of abducting New Orleans residents during Hurricane Katrina.

“Our agents identified themselves to the suspect, and he was arrested without incident.”  Said Donna K. Smith, spokesperson for the Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs.  “There is no truth to the rumor that we were disappointed in his surrender, and we were not going to test a new death ray on him.”

The suspect, Que Gai from Alpha Centauri, waved to interstellar reporters as he was escorted to a cell.

“I have nothing to be ashamed of!”  Exclaimed Gai.  “History will vindicate me!”

He waved at five cheering supporters, before stepping into the holding area.

“He saved lives.”  Said Sargos, who asked that we not identify his planet or use his other four name parts.  “There was no reason for your New World Order to impose a no-fly zone during the hurricane.  We could have saved lives if they had let us.”

“Valuable humans were drowning!”  Exclaimed Staco Pasca.  “They shot their noise makers into the air to cry out for help.  Instead of helping, your rescuers hid in fear.  I wish I had been as brave as Gai was.  I like my life, but so do the humans he saved.”

Smith, during the press conference, asked the media to listen to both sides.

“The ‘Katrina Abductor’ kidnapped New Orleans residents during a stressful event, and asked them to become permanent test subjects.  The middle of a Category 5 hurricane is no time to get a consent scan.  He exploited his victims.”

A member of Gai’s legal team would neither confirm nor deny if his client is the abductor.  He did say that the no-fly zone was unlawful, and any violations were justified.

“If my client had flown into Katrina, he did so in a craft that could fly inside The Great Red Spot.  So he was justified in trying to save intelligent beings from crudely maintained levees.”

To date, none of the Abductor’s subjects have been located.  Authorities hope to use enhanced interrogation to find their location.  They hope to return the subjects to society after altering their memories.

“No one should have to choose between drowning or being a lab rat!”  Said Smith.

Update: Gai was found guilty in 2007, and exiled from Earth.  His subjects were found on Mars.  Three decided to say on Mars, while the rest were returned to New Orleans.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Friday, November 11, 2011

The Lost Years 2004: Bolingbrook Community Television bans “Fishing Boat” political ads

The mayoral election isn’t until 2005, but Bolingbrook Community Television has already banned 10 attack ads against Mayor Roger Claar.

The ads, produced by a group called Fishermen for Bolingbrook, are narrated by alleged former fishing buddies.  In the ads, the alleged buddies attack Claar’s devotion to Bolingbrook.

“I heard Roger talking about a fish he caught.”  Said alleged buddy Paul.  “He put his hands out this far to describe how big the fish was.  I was there.  I saw that fish.  He could have stretched his hands out much further.  So I wonder.  If he won’t stretch just a few more inches for a fish, will he also refuse to go the extra mile for Bolingbrook?  Bolingbrook deserves a mayor who will do more for Bolingbrook.  Roger won’t do that.”

In another ad, John, an alleged friend, questions Claar’s sanity.  

“We were in our fishing boat on Hidden Lakes.”  Said John.  “Roger told me that in four years, a lake would appear next to Royce Road.  Now I don’t know about you, but lakes just don’t suddenly appear.  I like my friend Roger, but I question his judgment.  So next year, I’m not going to vote for him, and I urge you to do the same.  Maybe he’ll get the help he needs.”

According to village officials, it is illegal to put a boat on Hidden Lakes.

A spokesperson for BCTV explained the bans.

“For some reason, the producers keep submitting videos that aren’t broadcast quality.  There are people who watch our channel, and we owe it to them to show videos that are more than moving blobs of color.”

Some sources within BCTV disagree.  The videos are broadcast quality, but the Village told BCTV not to show the videos.

Said one source, “The village has the right to refuse to show videos on BCTV.  So obviously a video attacking the mayor won’t be allowed to air.”

Another source said that Claar isn’t aware of the videos, but Village Clerk Carol Penning, is.

“I was looking for Roger.”  Said the source.  “Instead, I saw Carol, and told her about the first video.  She just smiled and pointed to her What Would Roger Do bracelet.  We got the message.”

Penning refused to be interviewed.

When this reporter tried to call Claar for a comment, his receptionist said he was busy. 

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar yelled, “Back off Karl!  Or I’ll tell the world you’re an atheist.  I mean it.”  He paused and then added, “I don’t practice golf everyday!”  Later, he continued, “No one is running against me in 2005.”  Then he finally said, “Fine!  I dare you to run a candidate against me in 2009!”

The Babbler could not locate the producers of the ads.  The cell phone number for one of the producers is from the Washington, DC area.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

The Lost Years 2003: Sources: Former governor Howard Dean using mind control to win Iowa Caucus!

Former Vermont governor Howard Dean is using highly advanced mind control techniques to win the Iowa Caucus, say sources.

“The governor is using cutting-edge techniques to warp people’s perceptions and trick them into voting for him.”  Said Kay Amrent, a journalism professor at the University of Iowa.  “Young people are susceptible  to his sophisticated devices!  If only it were legal to use them in class.”

Some say that Dean is using the Internet to spread his propaganda in Iowa.  This could explain why he has a large number of Internet donors who give an average of less than $80.

Paul, who asked not to be identified, is one such donor.

“I was, um, doing research on line.”  He said.  “So I took a break and read Daily Kos.  For some reason, I felt compelled to read this one diary.  Before I knew it, I was on Howard’s web site.  The last thing I remember, I saw a bat.  I had to go to bat for Howard!  Then I woke up, and saw that I had my credit card out!  I gave money to him.  Since I gave him money, I thought I might as well volunteer!”

His mind control isn’t limited to the Internet, says some.  Jean Cubby, a Coralville resident, claims she was brought under his spell.

“I was reading the Socialist Worker, when someone knocked on my door.”  Said Cubby.  “When I opened the door, I saw the orange cap.  Suddenly I felt the urge to discard the socialist revolution, and join the Dean revolution!”  Cubby started to cry.  “I was going to give up the true revolution in exchange for passing health care reform, a middle class tax cut, and ending the war in Iraq.  Good thing I have years of enlightenment, I mean awareness, I mean education.  I would have fallen under his spell.”

Professor Jon. Z. Lee from the University of Northern Iowa, believes Dean is using mind control, but doubts its effectiveness in Iowa.

“We’re the experts on political (expletive deleted).”  Said Lee.  “I doubt his web sites and hats can maintain control over the average caucus goer.  I’m sure one of his opponents, maybe Gephardt, will launch an attack against him that will break the spell.  It will destroy that candidate’s chances, but it will mean someone other than Dean will win.”

Lee, however, thinks Dean’s mind control efforts could win over the rest of the country.  “Candidates who win Iowa rarely win the general election.  Just ask President Dole.  You know, as long as Howard doesn’t act like a screaming madman trying to conquer the United Sates, he could defeat George Bush.”

A contact at Dean headquarters answered the phone, asking if this reporter would “Go to Bat for Howard.”  After saying no, the contact hung up the phone.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

The Lost Years 2002: TSA screeners disrupt Clow UFO base

By Reporter X
Three weeks after being deployed at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO base, Transportation Administration Screeners are drawing the ire of both aliens and staff.  Some anonymous sources fear the new screeners could damage relations between Earth and the Interstellar community.

“I couldn’t bring my new tools onto my spacecraft.”  Said Wygo.  “They said I had to check my luggage.  I told them it was my ship, and I wasn’t a passenger.  They didn’t care.  It was the rules.”

Wygo ended up “checking” his toolkit and then getting it out of the cargo bay.

“What a waste of my time and their resources!”  Exclaimed Wygo.  “They should be looking for terrorists, not harassing merchants like myself.”

Paula, a Level 6 staffer, complained about the passenger screeners.

“I hate it when they decide to swipe my purse with their grubby cloths.  It always sets off their machine.  You know, one time I asked a TSA man when he last calibrated his machine.  He said, ‘What does calibrate mean?’  Where do they get these people?”

Screener Jamie, a recent high school graduate, is proud to be part of the first TSA team at Clow.  Before joining the TSA, he was hall monitor in a Chicago High School.

“I told the TSA I had security experience.  During the interview, I mentioned that I loved UFOs.  Now I get to secure aliens and serve my country.  It beats joining the army.”

So far, there have only been two major confrontations with the TSA.  In the first incident, a screen suffered minor injuries after being attacked by an alien pilot.  An investigation revealed that the alien’s translation device mistranslated “I’m asking you” as “I’m axing you!”  When the screener failed to show up at trial, the alien was released.

The second incident involved a screener refusing to let Mayor Roger Claar bypass security.

Eyewitnesses say when Claar approached the screener guarding the bypass lane, he was told to get in line.  When Claar identified himself, the screener replied that if the mayor of Romeoville had to go through screening, so should Claar.

Claar replied, “Don’t you know who I am?  I am the Mayor of Bolingbrook.  I am no ordinary mayor, I am an ambassador and administrator of Clow UFO base!  I’m also the commander of the Temporary Bolingbrook Interstellar Task Force!  You are about to make the biggest mistake of your life if you don’t let me through!”

A supervisor finally intervened and confirmed that Claar could bypass security.  The offending screener hasn’t been seen since.

TSA Administrator Blue, defended the TSA presence at Clow.

“Since 9/11, any aircraft entering US airspace must abide by our air security regulations.  That includes interstellar spacecraft.  We have reliable intelligence that the terrorists want to hijack an extraterrestrial craft and use it as a weapon of mass destruction.  At this very moment, we’re trying to prove that Iraq is planning on using such a craft to destroy Washington.”

TSA screeners will remain at Clow until 2005, when the New World Order will review their performance.

Screener David hopes the TSA stays past that date.

“Sure this isn’t the best job, but it has it’s perks.”  Said David.  “We’ve confiscate a lot of cool stuff.  I’m able to supplement my income by liberating the best stuff and selling the rights to corporations.  At this rate, I’ll be able to retire two years.  So I should be gone before they complete my background check!”

Blue admits that the transition to TSA security has been rough, but he is still optimistic.

“I’ll bet you by 2010, the American people will love TSA.  They’ll happily go through our backscatter scanners and answer our questions.  While the terrorists will always be one step ahead of us, the American people will be behind us!”

TSA screening will take over screening at American airports on 11/19/02.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.