Sunday, September 26, 2010

Alien overlord to run for village trustee

By Reporter X

Cytork the Awesome, ruler of the M13 cluster, now wants to add Bolingbrook Village Trustee to his collection of titles.

“There is no greater honor than to be recognized as a co-ruler of Bolingbrook!” Said Cytork.

Cytork says he is eligible to run because part of his brain is implanted in a Bolingbrook resident, and he’s owned a home in Bolingbrook for more than 30 days.

“I own a Bolingbrook residence. I control a Bolingbrook resident. Therefore, I am more than qualified to run for village trustee.”

If elected, Cytork says he will use his power as M13 ruler to assist Bolingbrook.

“I will increase trade to Clow UFO Base, and I will offer my best shock troops to defeat the marauding gangs that terrorize Bolingbrook! They fought the Martian Colonists to a draw. Bolingbrook’s gangs will be no match for them.”

Cytork say he has not asked for Mayor Roger Claar’s endorsement, but promises to work with the mayor.

“I will honor the tradition of publicly deferring to the mayor when he makes a decision. In return, I will only ask that he defers to me when he visits my empire.”

Critics say Cytork is a brutal dictator, and only wants to run for trustee as a stepping stone to becoming the mayor, should Claar not run for reelection in 2013. If he becomes mayor, his critics fear that he will suspend that municipal code, and make himself absolute ruler of Bolingbrook.

Cytork laughs at that fear.

“As long as I do not violate the laws of your country and state, absolute rule and the municipal code can coexist. Not that I am planning to run for mayor, but in case the residents feel compelled to support my mayoral candidacy, I want to keep my options open.”

Cytork claims to have several volunteers who are trying to collect signatures to get him on the ballot.

Charlie Parkerson, a ten year Bolingbrook resident, says he fully supports Cytork.

“We’re already in debt, and we’re cutting public safety officers. Can it really get any worse? Besides, he promises to give every Bolingbrook resident a trophy. I’ve never gotten a trophy before! Who cares if he’s an emperor?”

Off the record, Clow officials expect a legal challenge if Cytork gets enough signatures to get on the ballot.

“Your whole body has to be a resident of Bolingbrook.” Said one official. “A piece of your brain doesn’t count. Plus he wouldn’t be allowed outside of Clow because he’s a Class Five alien. Then we get into the question if the resident he possesses is him, or an illegal proxy. This could get very ugly.”

Added another official. “His candidacy is almost as dumb as someone from another time zone trying to run for trustee. No one would take that candidate seriously.”

The Babbler could not reach anyone from The Brook Report, but a person from the Draft Bonnie Kurowski-Alicea replied in an e-mail.

“Who cares about your silly alien stories? There is only one person who can save us, and her name is Bonnie! As long as she moves back to Bolingbrook 30 days before the election, she can run for trustee! Now you have a choice. You're either with us or against us! If you’re against us, you’re with Roger. If you’re with Roger, you support croneyism! If you support croneyism, that makes you evil!” The e-mail added, “If Jesus came down from Heaven to run for trustee, no one would question his residency!”

When asked to comment, Claar’s receptionist said he was in the middle of a conversation, and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “If you really have things under control, you would have made an announcement by now, and we wouldn’t be talking. I know when I hear desperation, Mr. DJ.”

Also in The Babbler:

PZ Myers growing Coexist zombies
Women Thinking Free Foundation goes hunting for aliens and Bigfoot
Time Traveler arrested for betting on Bears to win the Super Bowl
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/30/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Anti-psychic kitty speaks: Go to the Star Party!

Editor’s note: Due out legal settlement with the James Randi Education Foundation, we are required to give column space to Anti-psychic Kitty. Anti-psychic Kitty is the most skeptical creature on Earth. The views in this column definitely do not reflect the views of The Bolingbrook Babbler.

Hello credulous readers of The Babbler. My friends at the Women Thinking Free Foundation are hosting a very special party. A “Skeptics Under the Stars” party on October 2nd.

First you’ll set up camp at McIntyre’s Resort in Delavan, WI. Then you will hear a lecture from the Dr. Pamela Gay! If that doesn’t make you purr, then this will. You get a tour of Yerkes Observatory. The same observatory that Einstein used to visit. You’ll be walking in his footsteps, relatively speaking. Hee, Hee! That will be followed by a night of stargazing.

Adults have to pay $75 per person, but kids under 10 are free! So bring the family! This includes the tour, camping, burgers and hot dogs, snakes, and limited beer and wine!

I’m not allowed to go because some people are allergic to cats, and if I run into a psychic, I could blow their minds. Literally!

If you believe in UFOs, then don’t worry about being abducted. First, UFO’s aren’t aliens space craft. Second, they never seem to appear when astronomers are around.

So, keep your eyes to the Wisconsin skies, and remember, that’s there’s only one truth in the universe:

IMSOCUTE!

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Valley View School District: We’re not hosting a (expletive deleted) flat Earth Convention

Valley View officials insist Bolingbrook High School will not host a flat Earth convention this year.

Said a school board member, who asked not to be named, “We may not have the best scores in the state, but (expletive deleted) it, we haven’t sunk so low that we think the Earth is flat! In all the (expletive deleted) years I have served the board, and all the stupid questions I’ve been asked, this is the dumbest question I’ve ever heard! I’d rather sit through another meeting with Rhonda Reed-Slaughter! (Expletive deleted)!”

The Bolingbrook Flat Earth Club, however, still insists that they have rented out Bolingbrook High School and will hold their convention in December.

“The board members are afraid of a backlash from the New World Order.” Said Ted Parkerson. “I have the contracts, and all of four, I mean 40, I mean 400 of us will be there!”

Parkerson says his group is trying to build off the momentum of the Geocentric conference to be held in November.

“Once you accept that there’s an atheistic conspiracy to cover up the fact that the Earth is the center of the universe, it’s not much of a stretch to realize that they’ve also covered up the fact that our Earth is flat.”

Another board member called Parkerson a liar.

“He’s full of (expletive deleted)!” Said the second board member who asked not to be identified. “We’ve known since the 6th century BC that the Earth was round. Only the ancestors of The  Bolingbrook Report staff thought the Earth was flat! You, know, between your stupid questions, the Brook Report, and The Number Crunchers, I say we should eliminate voting and just put Mayor Roger Claar in charge of everything! It would make the meetings go much faster.”

Parkerson concedes that spherical Earth theory has been around since the 6th century.

“Who cares what a bunch of white Europeans thought?” Asked Parkerson. “This is the 21st Century. We’re turning our backs towards science and embracing ancient wisdom! The Bible refers to the four corners of the Earth in Revelations 7-1. Einstein said that all points of reference are valid, therefor the flat Earth prospective is valid!”

Parkerson also answered some “common objections” to “the reality of flat Earth.” When asked why ship’s masts seem to sink over the horizon, he replied, “It’s a problem with our eyes.” When asked how mathematicians were able to determine the size and shape of the Earth in ancient times, he replied, “They used Trigonometry. Do you understand Trigonometry? How do we know they were telling the truth when they explained their calculations?” When asked why no one has been to the edge of the Earth, he replied, “It’s surrounded by a wall of ice. Just like the UN’s logo clearly shows.” When asked why the other planets are spheres, he replied, “The Earth is not a planet.” When asked about the pictures of the Earth from space, he replied, “All faked!”

The convention, according to Parkerson, will be held over the Christmas holiday, and, once the web site is up, will cost $60 to register.

Leroy Brown, head of security for Valley View, said no one has registered for a convention, and anyone trying to “attend” the convention could be arrested.

When asked to comment, the receptionist for Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar said he was in the middle of an important phone conference.

In the background, a man sounding like Claar said, “Sure we’re not Vegas, but I think The Promenade would be an amazing place to hold a convention. Schaumburg may have the convention facilities, but we have the better Ikea store.”  He paused, then said, "Don't even think of playing hardball with me, Mr. DJ!"

Also in The Babbler:

Skeptic attacked by Lake Michigan monster
Lisle trees approve Navistar relocation
Scientist: Flu shot will change your gender!
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/20/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Jeff Wagg and Anita Ikonen face off in extraterrestrial psychic challenge

By Reporter X

An alien forced Jeff Wagg, cohost of Rational Alchemy podcast, into a psychic showdown with Anita Ikonen, the so-called skeptical psychic.

“Every experiment needs a good control.” Said Banchu, an apprentice of alien magician and skeptic Dischum. “I couldn’t think of a better control subject than Jeff Wagg, and when I learned that he was available, I just had to abduct him!” Wagg used to administer the James Randi Educational Foundation’s Million Dollar Challenge.

Dischum is known on Earth as the creator of the Billion Dollar Challenge, the strictest psychic challenge a human can apply for and survive. The challenge involves Dischum abducting applicants and demanding that they immediately demonstrate their paranormal ability.

Banchu told this reporter that he wanted to record a demonstration challenge to show at TAM London, and to impress Dischum.

“Dischum makes the Billion Dollar Challenge seem simple. I wanted to show the select humans at TAM London that it’s really hard. You ask a human subject to demonstrate their power, and they always come up with excuses why they can’t. Dischum says I don’t have what it takes to run the challenge. So I thought the demonstration would also prove him wrong!”

Banchu chose Ikonen, he said, because she claims to be skeptically examining her own powers, and has allowed skeptics to test her.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Letters to the editor: 9/5/10

Doug Fields here. Most of The Babbler’s staff is taking the weekend off. So they’ve asked me to feature some of the best letters we’ve received. Unfortunately, there were only two letters worth publishing. What’s the matter, residents of “The Brook?” Are you up for the challenge of getting published in The Babbler?

This first writer thinks he has the skeptical movement figured out.

To the Editor:

Everyday I read the skeptical blogs, and everyone of them is debating whether or not skeptics should be dicks! Why?

I’ve figured it out! It all started with Rebecca Watson! She produced the first “Don’t Be a Dick” video. That means this is a plot to make male skeptics feel guilty about being male and skeptical! Female skeptics are using male guilt to take over the skeptical movement. They won’t stop until every male skeptic is either silenced, or forced to have a sex change!

All you formerly skeptical men, join us. You can keep your “dicks” if you’ll just let us adjust your auras! We’ll turn you guys into believers in no time!

GO TO MY WEBSITE TO LEARN HOW! (Address withheld.)

Joe Lightman
Bolingbrook, IL

I think most male skeptics would rather give up their private parts than give up their precious “reason.”

This isn’t the only organizing that’s going on this week.

To the Editor:

Recently, an amateur ghost hunter died while searching for a ghost train. This is an unfortunate death.

Ghost hunting is serious business, and you don’t want just anyone poking around your home. That’s why I’m forming the Chicago Fellowship of Ghost Hunters Local One. You’ll be assured that your ghost hunter is properly trained through our apprenticship program. We’ll make sure that our ghost hunters have the proper equipment, aren’t over worked, and receive best insurance that isn’t a Cadillac plan!

So when you’re looking for a ghost hunter, look for the union label. Because you don’t want your nonunion ghost hunter to become your next ghost!

Jack Rexel
Chicago, IL

Have a safe a happy Labor Day, no matter what label you wear.

Also in The Babbler:

UIC cancels basketball game with Martian Planetary Team
Live Action Fantasy Football league starts at College of DuPage
Weredogs say Naperville has the best downtown in the Chicago Area
God to Smite Bolingbrook on 9/7/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Chicago Superheroes fight on Lake Michigan

The debut of Chicago’s first superhero was married by a fight with Chicago’s second superhero.

Captain Homeopathy made his first appearance on a Lake Michigan cruse sponsored by the Chicagoans Against Reductive Pharmaceuticals. The boat was filled with children whose parents object to having them vaccinated.

“We wanted to show children that you can think that vaccines cause autism, destroy cheerleading careers, are filled with toxins, and still be able to say that you are aren’t anti-vaccine.” Said Donna Z. Sanford, spokesperson for CARP.

Once the ship was several miles offshore, Captain Homeopathy, dressed in green spandex, a utility belt, and wearing a full mask, walked on to the deck. After greeting the children, the Captain introduced himself as “a defender of children against icky medicine.”

Minutes into his speech, the audience gasped as a human figure flew towards the cruise ship. As it got closer, it appeared to be a female shaped mechanized suit of armor with a jet pack. On it’s chest was a picture of a teddy bear with the words, “Hug Me!”

The figure landed on the boat and called herself Vaxena, “Defender of science, and fighter woo.” She then called Captain Homeopathy a super-villain who wants to make kids sick.

Captain Homeopathy replied by sending his “henchmen” to deal with Vaxena.

“It wasn’t like the old Batman show,” said Paula, who asked that we not use her last name. “She took each one down with one punch. When they were all defeated, she tossed them into the lake.”

Captain Homeopathy started running around the deck, lobbing vials of “solutions” at Vaxena. Vaxena tried to stun him with a taser. Both heros traded insults at each other.

“It was the most talkative fight I’d ever seen.” Said Don X. Bowie. “It was like watching a debate with the opponents trying to hit each other.”

After a minute or so, Captain Homeopathy pulled out a magnet and said, “Science doesn’t know how this works!” Vaxena staggered and her glowing eyes started to flicker.

“I will unmask you and your evil science!”

When Captain Homeopathy reached for Vaxena’s helmet, she suddenly grabbed him by the throat and lifted him up.

“Science does know how magnets work, you insane clown!”

She tossed him several feet overboard.

“I’m on a boat and you’re all wet!” Exclaimed Vaxena.

She then told the kids that she would give them the power to fight “Count Crud!” Even though she told kids it would sting, they exclaimed that they wanted a special power too.

After scanning the children, Vaxena fired a cloud of guided syringe rockets at the kids. They injected the children with vaccines, gave them a teddy bear bandage, then flew back to Vaxena.

She flew away as the children waved and cheered good bye.

“Bring on Count Crud!” Yelled one kid. “I’m vaccinated!”

The crew of the ship rescued Captain Homeopathy and his henchmen, then returned to port.

According to Paula, “The police told us not to talk to the media about what happened. Otherwise they would use ‘aggressive forgetting techniques’ on us.”

The president of CARP, Matt Michaels, denied that he was Captain Homeopathy. “Although it is tempting to use my inherited wealth to extract revenge on corrupt allopathic establishment for killing my parents, there’s no way I would become Captain Homeopathy! Though I have studied martial and homeopathic arts!”

Elyse Anders, president of The Women Thinking Free Foundation, denied knowing anything about Vaxena.

“You guys have some strange imaginations.” Said Anders. “The truth is we’re launching our 'Hug Me, I’m Vaccinated’ campaign at Dragon*con this week. We want the world to know that vaccines are mostly safe, and far safer than catching an illness. But we wouldn’t use a superhero to promote our message. That’s silly.”

In the background, a man said, “Matt dropped off some cold fusion reactors. Where do you want me to put them?”

“I’m on the phone with The Babbler!” Exclaimed Anders.

“Oh. I meant, where do you want me to put these cold fusion props for your Dragon*con costume?”

There was a long pause.

The man then said, “But you’re not going to Dragon*con because it’s not safe for our baby. So we’re going to have our own costume party here in honor of Dragon*con, right?”

“Right.” Replied Anders. “Put them over there.”

“OK!”

Anders then said, “I’m on a horse.”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.