Sunday, July 25, 2010

Men in Black investigate illegal UFO base in South Elgin

By Reporter X

South Elgin officials promised to fully corporate with the Men in Black as they investigate an alleged illegal UFO base.

Sources within the New World Order tell The Babbler that they were tipped off to the alleged base when a South Elgin resident posted a YouTube video about it.



“Normally YouTube is a pain in the (expletive deleted) to deal with.” Said a source who asked to be identified as Comptroller Watts. “In this case, it was a big help. Who would have though that they’d try to hide a UFO Base by a bridge construction site?”

The sources would not say if they found the base, but one source, Economist Golff, said he has found evidence of extraterrestrial activity in South Elgin.

“The South Elgin Special Affairs Division of the Sanitation Department has bags of moldy food in their refrigerator. On some worlds, Earth mold is a delicacy. Could it be that this division is growing mold and selling it to the interstellar black market?”

Field Agent K, who asked that we not use his last letter, says the New World Order is examining both YouTube videos very carefully.

“The second video shows a black dot in the sky. It could be debris, or it could be a VK700000 landing to pick up illegal Earth mold? The possibilities are staggering!”

Donald Zawder, a spokesperson for Special Affairs Division of the Sanitation Department, said South Elgin says the New World Order has complete access to municipal files.

“We have nothing to hide.” Said Zawder. “It just so happens, that we don’t always eat our lunches before they turn bad. We also don’t like civilians to be closer than a mile from our construction projects. Sure there’s a temporary storage site by the bridge. Everyone can use a little more storage!”

A source with the Kane County Forest Preserve, who asked to be called Kathy, said she is not aware of any unauthorized UFO bases in South Elgin.

“I assure you, the Fox Valley River is not being used as cooling station for interstellar cheese mold smugglers! We also don’t have an illegal space alien population, and we aren’t worried about violence between interstellar syndicates erupting in our forests.”

When asked to comment, South Elgin Village President Jim Hansen denied the entire story.

“I assure you we do not have a UFO base in South Elgin, legal or illegal. Believers, however, are welcome to visit and see for themselves. We have plenty of motels, restaurants, and stores that would be happy to have your business. Just don’t break any laws while you’re looking at our wonderful skies.”

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar, who administers the largest urban UFO base in the world, was asked to comment about the alleged base in South Elgin. He mumbled something about “amateurs” and then hung up.

YouTube user, SFVA Films, did not return our e-mail before the deadline.

Also in The Babbler

Plait to pant-like parasite consuming James Randi: Don’t be a dick!
God changes mind about flooding the Chicago area
Brook Report Editor: I’m right and the state is wrong about Bolingbrook’s sales tax rate
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/30/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Anti-psychic Kitty Speaks: Attend the Mysteries of the Totally Explained Psychic Fair!

From the Editor: As part of our settlement with the James Randi Educational Foundation, we will cosponsor an event with a local skeptical group. In return, the JREF will not press charges against our reporters who infiltrated The Amazing Meeting 8. We’ll let Anti-psychic Kitty, the most skeptical creature on Earth, explain.

The Women Thinking Free Foundation will turn the Galway Arms into a fair of explainable psychic phenomenon! See if you can be fooled by tarot cards, palm readings, and Surly pendulums! Then learn how you too can fool people into thinking you’re psychic.

Think you have real powers? Then prove it at the Zender Card Death match! The winner gets to meet me. Hee Hee! Just kidding. I’m not allow at the fair because any one who uses real psychic powers around me will have their head explode. Actually they’ll know that they really don’t have powers and then blow up their own heads.

You can also buy cool cat toys, I mean Surlyramics! You can try to talk to “dead” celebrities, and meet a famous skepchick! Don’t listen to The Babbler. I really like Elyse! I just wish my fur didn’t make her sick.  Best of all, you can bid on a deck of tarot cards signed by famous skeptics, including James Randi, Rebecca Watson, Joe Nickell, Phil Plait, Michael Shermer, and Jamie Bernstein!

So go to The Galway Arms in Chicago at 8:00 pm on Friday! There will even be an open bar. Tickets are $45 online and $50 dollars at the door. Go to http://psychicfair.womenthinkingfree.org/ for tickets and information.

I hope you can make it, and remember, there is only one thing in the universe that’s certain:

IMSOCUTE!!!!

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Web Exclusive: Employment firm plans to ‘outsource’ PZ Myers

Could ScienceBlogs end PZ Myers strike by using replacement PZs? The employment firm Rainstand hopes the answer is yes. They’ve started an international search for replacement bloggers.

PZ Myers is a great concept.” Said Kenny J. Rhea, head of the Pharyngula project. “The problem is that it never should been given to a single individual.”

Rhea wants to replace Myers, who is on strike over the treatment of bloggers at ScienceBlogs, with a team of amateur bloggers. The bloggers would post anonymously under the PZ Myers handle.

“PZ was great, but his atheist and science posts were a bit wordy. Thats what happens when you give a professor a blog. He goes on and on and on. Then he expects to be paid because he can’t get academic publishing credit for his posts.”

The alternative, says Rhea, will be much better for ScienceBlogs.

“What skeptic or atheist wouldn’t pay for the honor of blogging under PZ’s name? This will make more money than the PepsiCo blog would have made.”

Rhea also promises that Pharyngula would “get back to basics” with the new bloggers. He showed some writing samples from prospective Myers.

“Here is a poll. It sucks. Go crash it.” Read one sample.

Another simply said, “Evolution made it!”

“If ScienceBlogs lets us have our way, we’ll turn Pharyngula into the LOL Cats of evolution web sites!” Exclaimed Rhea.

Jane Habens, a spokesperson for ScienceBlogs, denied that they were considering using replacement bloggers to resolve the strike.

“Mr. Myers is starting to come around. He said the strike might be over soon in his last post. That’s good because we’d like to find a way to draw his traffic into our new BP Environmental Science Blog without compromising (Myers’) marketability, I mean credibility.”

Myers was oddly calm when asked to comment. “Sure they can replace me with scab bloggers. As long as they stay away from squid inhabited waters, they should be perfectly safe. Oh, I hope they realize that there really is such a thing as the Minnesota Talking Land Squid. I bred them, and they worship me. In a sense.”

Myers then added. “They’ll never find a scab blogger with my knowledge and credibility in the science and atheist communities.”

Rhea giggled when told of Myers’ comment.

“Oh I can’t give away any details because we’re still working on them. We’re talking with a very special blogger. Let me give you a hint. It starts with a ‘b’ and ends in ‘quake.’”

Jennifer McCreight, who writes the Blag Hag blog and created Boobquake, denies that she’s in negotiations to replace PZ Myers.

“As much as I miss PZ’s blog, there’s no way I could try to replace him.” Said McCreight. “He’s my inspiration. I hope he straightens things out with ScienceBlogs.”

In the background a woman’s voice cried out. “Are you going to create a boobquake in our house?”

“No mom.” Jennifer replied. “I’m going to host a blogathon to raise money for the Secular Student Alliance. I’ll just be blogging for 24 hours.”

“The media had better not be camped out on our front lawn!”

“No mom!” Exclaimed Jennifer. “They didn’t camp out in front my apartment during Boobquake. They won’t do it for this.”

“I--”

“I won’t wear anything revealing either.”

“Does your dad know about this?”

“Yes.”

“OK, but I’d better not catch you playing Russian chat roulette.”

“Ew! No!”

After the sound of receding footsteps, Jennifer said, “Three more months and I’ll never live with my parents again. Three more months and I’ll never live with my parents again. Three more months and I’ll never live with my parents again.”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Naperville to demand recount in Best Places to Live Poll

A source confirms that Naperville will ask for a recount of Money Magazine’s 2010 best Places to Live List.

“There’s no way Bolingbrook ranks higher than Naperville.” Said the source. “Come on! It’s Bolingbrook! They don’t have a downtown!  They haven't had a decent attraction since Old Chicago!”

The source is confident that they can improve Naperville’s ranking with a recount.

“This wasn’t done with a simple head count. They used a complex formula. As everyone knows, if you make one mistake, it creates a cascade effect. We’re just going to ask them to reexamine the math to make sure they got right. We’ll pay the necessary fees to make it happen, of course.”

When asked why Naperville would spend taxpayer dollars on a recount, he replied, “We’re Naperville. We have a reputation to uphold. It’s just like copyright law. If you don’t defend your reputation you’ll lose it. In fact, we’re sure that after the recount, we’ll resume our title as the third best city to live in!”

When asked to comment Naperville Mayor George Pradel denied that the city was seeking a recount. “It’s just one list. We’ll just wait until the next list comes out and everyone will forget about this one.” Pradel then added, “When you factor in the intangibles, like our long history, our classy downtown, and a government that’s unhindered by a PhD dropout, I think Naperville comes out ahead of Bolingbrook.”

When this reporter tried to contact Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar, the receptionist said he was in the middle of an interview and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “First of all, I’m not retiring. Second, what the (expletive deleted) is a ‘running stamp board?’”

Also in The Babbler:

Astronomer Pamela Gay tells Wheaton church: ‘I’m not in league with skeptical Satanists!’
Schaumburg rejects vampire convention
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/15/10


Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Babbler Infiltrates The Amazing Meeting 8. Exclusive team coverage

Last weekend, The James Randi Education Foundation held their annual Amazing Meeting. The Babbler managed to send a team of reporters to the meeting. Here are their stories.

Anti-psychic Kitty speaks at TAM

Anti-psychic Kitty became the first non-human to openly speak at The Amazing Meeting. He made history again with one of the most controversial speeches in TAM history.

James Randi introduced Anti-psychic Kitty. He said AK was created by the James Randi Educational Society and Skepchick as a prototype for pets that radiate anti-psychic energy. AK’s energy is so strong, that instead of suppressing psychic energy, it causes psychics’ heads to explode when they try to use their powers. Randi said they ended the anti-psychic pet program, but added they would never abandon AK.

“At the JREF, we take care of our own. Anti-psychic Kitty, you are one of our own. I hope you’re enjoying you’re king-sized bed. You do know that you are the only pet allowed in the building this week?”

AK, rather than using a facilitated communicator, addressed the conference by walking on a computer keyboard. His words were then projected onto several screens.

AK thanked Randi, then said that the skeptical community should do more to fight “woo” among animals.

“My aunt Sidney, for example, believes that she a goddess, and above her human companion. This is common feline misconception. By helping cats like me educate my fellow felines, we can help cats and humans have healthy and loving relationships.”

AK did stop to thank humans for their work to stop animal cruelty. However, he added that some humans go too far with their love.

“There is nothing wrong with eating meat.” Said AK. “My diet requires meat. We understand that in nature, it is eat, or be eaten. We don’t mind if you kill a bird to eat. Just don’t eat us, please.”

Later in the speech, AK criticized Karen Stollznow for showing displaying a web page during a talk called, “Cats that look like Hitler.”

“There was no reason to exploit these poor cats to make a point about human woo.” AK then showed a picture of a male bodybuilder with a Hitler mustache drawn on him.

“How would you feel if I did this to Brian Dunning? By the way, this is not Brian Dunning. He’s too puny to use in my slide show."

Stolznow responded to AK during the question and answer session.

“It was bad enough that I could barely get a word in during the Paranormal Investigations Panel. I am not going to sit by and let a Frankencat  attack my sense of humor! I will post a blog about you!”

Dunning also responded to AK.

“How dare you make fun of my appearance! I’m not some ugly female cosmonaut. I’m Brian Dunning! The host of Skeptoid!”

AK said he would thinking about apologizing after his two afternoon naps.

Before returning to his room, AK started to have a brief conversation with Jeff Wagg of the JREF. A woman walked up to them, and asked Wagg about her application for the Million Dollar Challenge.

“Oh, my powers are telling me that this cat is hungry. Now when will I be tested.”

“That was the test.” Said Wagg. “You failed.”

The JREF has joint custody of AK with a family in the Bolingbrook area. AK will only see JREF officials once a year at TAM.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

From the publisher: We’re still going to TAM

By Chris Olson

This week, we’re sending a team of reporters to James Randi’s The Amazing Meeting in Las Vegas. Our columnist, Dale Onofrey, will address their HAM Panel, and he’ll also meet with Skeptics Guide to the Universe podcasters to formally present our $5 Dollar Challenge to them.







Critics say we shouldn’t waste our time with skeptics. They’ve been debunking UFOs for years, and people still believe. Why should we care?

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Web Exclusive: Surly Amy goes to Hell!

Psychics around the Chicago and Minneapolis area report visions of Skepchick Surly Amy in Hell.

Jean, a Minneapolis psychic, said she was on Twitter when she sensed a horrible smell.

“It was horrible. I sensed that it has something to do with Surly Amy. So I opened my mind some more, and realized that it was something she was smelling. She didn't smell. The place she was in smelled.  That terrible place must be Hell!”

Don “The Party” Padre, said he sensed a similar sensation while on Twitter.

“It was a bus filled with unhappy people. There was one soul who was especially unhappy. I knew it was Amy! She was going to some place horrible in a horrible bus. That place had to be Hell!” Padre cried. “Amy’s in Hell! God is punishing her for making those awful Surly Ramics!”

Anastasia Zwada, from Roseville, MN, said claims she had a clearer vision of the Amy’s current fate.

“She’s in hell!” Cried Zwada! “Hell starts with a long line. The sky is on fire and the air is humid! The line moves slowly to maximize your suffering. Then you get to the end, and it’s a TSA security checkpoint! That’s just the beginning.” She sobbed some more. “This is where the path of Surly Ramics leads to! God will inflict a terrible punishment on those who mock my beliefs!”

Upon hearing the news, Reverend Brian Nowell posted on his blog, “Get out of Hell,” what he called “firm and fair advice” for Amy and her friends on how to get her out of Hell. The reaction from his commenters was quick and harsh.