Sunday, June 27, 2010

Highlights from the 6/22/10 Bolingbrook Trustee Meeting

UFO aerial acrobatic team to perform at Bolingbrook’s 4th of July celebration

By Reporter X

The Milky Way Singularity Trippers, an interstellar aerial acrobatic team, will be performing at the Bolingbrook 4th of July celebration.

Mayor Roger Claar made the announcement during the June 22nd covert affairs meeting.

“These people put on an amazing show.”  said Claar.  “I can’t even describe it.  I believe the term I believe young people might use is ‘gnarly to the max extreme.’  I’ll have to ask my daughter if that was the right term.”

Konbonic, Central Brain of the MWST, thanked Claar for inviting his team to perform over Bolingbrook.  Konbonic then announced that one of his pilots would attempt the Deterministic Loop.  According Konbonic, a pilot will turn off his relativistic compensators and accelerate faster then the speed of light.  The craft will then travel backwards in time then loop around and collide with itself in the past.

“Because the craft is following the laws of relativity, it will have to collide with itself in a way that allows it to keep flying, and complete the loop.  Its our way of teaching children the future is usually unchangeable.”

Claar expressed concern about the stunt, saying that he knew of instances where the future had been changed.  He cited the Bolingbrook Time War as an example.

Konbonic said that it is possible change to change the future but you can’t change hyper-time.

Claar stopped him.  “Temporal mechanics gives me a headache.”

Konbonic assured the board that all precautions would be taken.  Even though this will be the first time they’ve attempted the Deterministic Loop, he was sure it would work.

The team will perform over the Bolingbrook Golf Club during the firework display, which is expected to begin around 9:15 PM.  The spacecraft will be cloaked, but Clow UFO Base will be offering special goggles to their alien visitors.

Trustee Patricia E. Schanks asked if there would be a special prize for any human who happens to see the performing UFOs.

“They’ll get a special visit from The Men in Blue.”  Replied Claar.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Sources: Claar plans to use comet to create new Bolingbrook lake

Sources are telling The Babbler that Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar wants to create a new lake with comet ice.

One source, Steve, said that Claar explained the plan to him.

“He said, ‘Steve, we need an alternate plan in case we can’t take over Illinois American’s water pipeline. Since we don’t have enough well water, we’ll have to get the water from somewhere else. That somewhere is outer space!”

Another source, name Pete, is a former Bolingbrook resident who now works for NASA. According to him, Claar want’s to use Pete’s long discredited comet capture plan. The plan involves attaching retrorockets and parachutes to a comet. As the comet approaches Earth, NASA would use the rockets to slow the comet. By the time it reaches the atmosphere, the comet will be moving slowly enough to deploy the parachutes. It will them make a controlled, harmless landing.

According to Steve, “Roger said, ‘It’s simple! The comet lands on the vacant lots at Americana Estates. As it melts it forms a lake. Then we sell the water to our neighboring suburbs. If we start running low on water, we just deflect another comet from the Oort Cloud.’ Then he went on to say, ‘It also has added benefits. We can add a dock and presto. The Golf Club becomes a golf and yacht club. The residents of Americana Estates will see their property values increase because they now have lakefront property. Higher property values means higher tax revenues! Just add a lake access fee, and before long we’ll be swimming in money again!’”

Pete says that Claar has already talked to NASA about his plan.

“Roger told them he has some pull with the Tea Party. He suggested that if NASA approved his plan, he might be able to persuade them to not give NASA the ‘ACORN Treatment.’ Let’s just say that got their attention.”

When asked about the feasibility of the plan, Bad Astronomer blogger Phil Plait laughed. “Don’t you guys know how fast comets travel? Some are traveling at over 90 thousand miles an hours, and you want to bring one to a dead stop? The retrorocket fuel costs alone would bankrupt your village.” Plait then added. “You know, since I made my musical debut with George Hrab, I’m thinking about starting a solo music career. What do you think of these lyrics? ‘You don’t want land on Jupiter/You don’t want to land on Jupiter/Cause it’s just ball of gas and if we do the math we’ll see that the pressure per square inch would be--’ OK it still needs some work.”

When reached by The Babbler by phone, Claar immediately answered, “I won’t pass a cat hair disposal fee, I’m not going to TAM 8, and we’re not hosting a Jonathan Coulton concert. Oh, Ikea has nothing to do with that last statement!”

Claar then spoke to someone in the room. “You may have attended all the required events, but you still embarrassed us. You’re not in college any more. If you ever want to see a dime from my campaign fund again, you will take that public etiquette class and don’t even think about asking the taxpayers to reimburse you!”

An unidentified man cried, “But it was a bucket of booze!”

Also in The Babbler:

No violence reported as CFI Chicago supporters clash with Paul Kurtz supporters
Real life wizard Mystopher wows Chicago Skeptics
Lisle mayor denies plans to turn Lucent campus into pro-business reeducation camp
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/25/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Review: George Hrab new album belongs in trench bucket

While George Hrab’s new album, Trebuchet, is expected to break interstellar sales records, The Babbler’s Dale Onofrey offers his earthly review.

George Hrab starts off Trebuchet by humbly stating that God is not great, then Hrab clings to the listener as demons drag him to hell.

Hrab offer a mix of King Crimson licks, King Missile snark, jazzy riffs blended with Blues Explosion attitude minus the need to constantly say his name, with liberal dashes of punkish James Randi viscousness. All of this in a vain attempt to cover up the fact that he is soulless, both artistically, and literally!  Oh, by the way, progressive rock is a fancy of saying noodling!

The album almost reaches a nihilist climax when he states that, “Everything alive will die someday.” Speak for yourself, Hrab. By following the teachings of Dr. Chopra, I intend to reset my biological clock, and never receive the wages of sin! Heck, Chopra and I will outlive God together!

If Hrab is writing the soundtrack of skepticism, then I’m going to skip the movie. Give me The Secret and Oprah. They show us how universe is here to serve us. It is not, as Hrab says, an uncaring place that has lousy odds of destroying the Earth.

Hrab is a musician, blogger and podcaster to avoid! Download this album directly into a trench bucket! Oh, I don’t care what Reporter X thinks, aliens have poor tastes in music!

Note: We asked local skeptics to review Trebuchet as well. Elyse said she had to take care of a sick moose. The mysterious leader of Chicago Skeptics simply said, “George Hrab’s new album is out? Cool!”

Dale Onofrey write the "Web Sites to Avoid" column for The Babbler.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Web Exclusive: University of Chicago theologians fear divine coup

While atheists are laughing at a lightening strike destroying Touchdown Jesus, University of Chicago theologians fear something more sinister is going on.

“Someone has overthrown God!” Said professor Smith.

Smith says while churches have been destroyed for centuries, the destruction of Monroe’s King of King Statue goes beyond a test of faith.

“This is clear sign that Jesus is no longer king of the universe.” Said Smith.

Added professor Atkins, “This is just like the Taliban blowing up the Buddha statues, or Napoleon shooting at the Sphinx. Even the Parthenon falling apart. It a sign that one God has died, and another paradigm is taking over.”

Smith says that while he does not know who has taken over, he hopes it is a merciful divine being.

“We’re still receiving reports of miraculous survival around the world. So I have faith that whomever is in charge is still testing us, instead of failing to kill us.”

Atkins that this could be the dawn of a new age of theology.

“Instead of rehashing the old Christian arguments, we’ll have to figure what the new commandments are. If this God is as revealing as the last God, we’ll have centuries worth of publications, debates, and lectures ahead of us!”

“We can call our meditation time ‘research.’” Added Atkins. “The Divinity School will become the leading divine research university in the world!”

When asked to comment, Sherry X. Muler, host of the podcast, “I’m Cute and You’re Stupid,” had her own theory about the new God.

“It’s the Flying Spaghetti Monster! It has finally pulled down the three headed false God with its noodlely appendages, and resumed it’s rightful place as pasta of the universal sauce! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have frightened public to educate. Arr!”

When asked to officially comment, Wendy Evans, spokesperson for the Divinity School of the University of Chicago said, “Our faculty do not debate the existence, death, or live of God with anyone who does not have at least a Masters degree in Theology.  Even if Richard Dawkins earned said degree, we would still not debate him.”

While the Chicago Church of Lucifer leaders refused to be interviewed, they did release a statement saying they expect Lucifer to, "give the world a revelation about his current standing, and what changes people can expect in their divine plans."

(Photo borrowed from Blag Hag.)

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Weredeer Liberation Front to ‘hunt’ Will County residents

The Weredeer Liberation Front announced the start of “hunting season” in Will County.

“The Will County human population is unsustainable.” Read the statement. “Just look at the deplorable conditions in Joliet! Will County residents are not practicing responsible family planning. They spread disease and pollute the environment with their artificial habitats. Now their uncontrolled growth threatens our primitive children.”

The statement goes to condemn Will County Forest Preserve efforts to “cull” the deer population.

“We appreciate that the Will County Board will not let Bubba slaughter our children. Instead they are thinking of using expert assassins to do the job. This is still not acceptable.”

Jill Beckham, an expert on the local weredeer population, says that the WLF is a radical terrorist group, and do not represent the average weredeer. She explains that the group split over a disagreement about mating with humans verses deer.

“Unlike most animals, weredeer cannot mate with their own kind.” Said Beckham. “They have to mate with either a human or a deer. Until about ten years ago, the local weredeer used to seduce single human women, get them pregnant, then abandon them to impregnate another women. They did that because only 1 offspring in 20 will grow up to become a weredeer.”

Ten years ago, the Bolingbrook Jaycees persuaded Will County’s weredeer to pursue “traditional” relationships with humans or just mate with deer.

“The WLF decided they’d had enough of humans, and went native, so to speak.”

As a result, the deer population exploded, forcing Will County to considers ways of culling the population.”

“You asked us not to mate with your women, and we agreed.” Read the statement, “You thank us by debating how to slaughter our children.”

Carl, a Romeoville resident, who asked that we not use his last name, survived a weredeer attack.

“I was meeting some friends from Chicago so we could trade baseball cards. They were rare cards so we met out at Conservation Park after dark. You know, so no one could steal our cards. Anyway, this deer walked up to us. We thought it was cute, so we ignored it. Then it got up on its hind legs and grew claws and fangs. My local buddy screamed, but I pulled out my gun. Hey, they’re expensive cards! Anyway, we kept firing on the thing. It tanked most of the shots. Then his buddies appeared, and they had machine pistols. I don’t know how we got out of there, but we did. Now my friends won’t come back here. Now how am I going to get my co-- er Koufax cards up here?”

Officer Joe Reed of Bolingbrook’s Paranormal Affairs Division, says the village is ready to deal with any Weredeer hunters.

“(Mayor Roger Claar) is many things, but he isn’t stupid. He’s fully staffed our department, and we’re stocked with plenty of anti-weredeer ammo. If this WLF is reading this, don’t even think of trying to ‘cull’ Bolingbrook.”

When asked to comment, County Board Chairman Jim Moustis replied, “Weredeer? I don’t think you know me well enough to call me ‘dear.’”

Also in The Babbler:

Stanley Cup visits Clow UFO Base
Source: Aliens are on the 16th floor of FermiLab!
Bolingbrook on alert for sinkhole monsters
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/15/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Web exclusive: Clow to be locked down Friday!

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base will be on a Code 5 lockdown on Friday, the first such lockdown since 1968. No aliens will be allowed off the base for 24 hours, and no UFOs will be allowed over Chicago on Friday.

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar said the lockdown is due to tomorrow’s Blackhawks victory parade.

“Due to local, state, federal, and New World Order budget cuts, we can provide the level of security required for our visitors to enjoy the victory parade. We also cannot assure that we can maintain our visitors cover due to the unprecedented media attention Chicago will receive.”

Claar announced that Clow will have a live feed of the parade, and promised that the Stanley Cup will visit Clow.

During the press conference, Jukuk, an alien from Proxima Centauri tried to throw a shoe at Claar.

“I traveled 4.2 light years to see the parade in person. Now you want to lock me in a base? You owe me 10,000 Bukicks!”

A smaller than normal contingent of Men in Blue restrained Jukuk before he could throw his shoe.

“You should have read the fine print of your visitor contract.” Replied Claar. “I always reserve the right to lockdown Clow UFO base. I can also require every alien to undergo a full body scan. Be thankful I’ve never done that!”

Sources within Chicago City Hall, say the real reason for the lockdown is because Mayor Richard Daley wanted to ensure that no humans would be crowded out of the parade and rally.

“It’s really popular to hate foreigners, even aliens.” Said a source. “So this is Daley’s way to appeal to the Tea Party without offending any immigrants, or minorities.”

When asked about the rumor, Claar simply said, “You would have to ask him. His home is at these coordinates...you might be able to reach him before the no fly zone goes into effect.”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Aliens filming Star Wars remake in Bolingbrook


By Reporter X

Inside Tailgaters, a man wearing a black vest starts to get up from his table. A short man with green spiked hair walks up to him, hands in his jacket pocket. He tells the first man to sit down.

They sit down at the table. The first man say he’ll have the money.

“It’s too late for that.” Says the second man. “There’s a very high price on your head.”

The men talk for a few more seconds.

The second man glances at another table. “Maybe we should collect the bounty right now.”

A flash of light appears under the table. The second man slumps over. The first leaps out of his chair, knocking over his table. He pulls out two blasters, and starts shooting at the occupants of the other table. They fall over before they can pull out their blasters.

The first man hands the waitress some dollars.

“Sorry for the mess.” He says as he walks away.

“Cut!” Someone yells.

Everyone stands up, and onlookers applaud.

This reporter witnessed the first scene of the interstellar remake of the Star Wars saga. Director Anotywi Carrtim said he will be filming in Bolingbrook for the next six months.

“Thanks to recent advances in cloaking technology, and quantum generated graphics, I can finally give the Star Wars saga the justice it deserves!”

Carrtim grew up watching the first three Star Wars movies. Like many children around the Milky Way, the films inspired him to become a fan of science fiction.

“Sure the special effects were laughable, and I’ve seen more expressions on a Jovian Cloud ball, but it had light sabers!”

Also like many adults around the Milky Way, Carrtim was, to put it mildly, appalled by the prequels. Unlike many fans, Cartim decided to do something about it.

“Fortunately, my last film, 'How to adjust your antigravity generator,’ was the most popular instructional movie in the galaxy. That gave me the clout to propose my remake of the entire Star Wars series. That, and the fact that no other director wanted to touch a Star Wars remake.”

According to Carrtim, Bolingbrook will be the stand in for Mos Eisley.

“Bolingbrook has that spread out feel of Mos Eisley.” Said Carrtim. All we have to do is change the green to brown, and add some backdrops, and it’s perfect! Plus it’s close to a major UFO base. We’ll do some filming at Area 51, but its cheaper to film the Eisley scenes in Bolingbrook.”

Thanks to cloaking technology, most residents won’t notice the filming. The actors will appear as humans, though their behavior will appear to be odd.

Lisa, who asked we not use her last name, says she might be an extra one of the films.

“I was hanging out at Hidden Lakes when I saw this guy strutting towards these two people in bathrobes. The strutting guy said, ‘Me za Jar Jar Binks!’ One of robed guys pointed a fishing pole at Jar Jar. Jar Jar screamed and dove into the water. If they kill off Jar Jar in this movie, I hope I get abducted so I can see it!”

When asked to comment, Mayor Roger Claar said that more interstellar movies will be filmed in the area.

“It’s a win-win for us.” Said Claar. “The film makers can use our great village to tell their their stories. Our friendly residents get employed as extras, and the movies attract tourists to Bolingbrook!  Do you know how many tourists a day approach me to ask for directions to the archery range?”

Claar added. “I was asked to perform a bit part as Dabba the Hutt. I asked my daughter if that was a good idea. She said she never heard of Dabba, but that Hutts were criminal aliens. That really (Expletives Deleted). I would have told that director off, but we really need his business.  So I just told him that I'm too busy for cameos.”

While Bolingbrook needs the jobs, Claar says he has standards.

“I refused to give some aliens permission to film their Stacy Peterson comedy in Bolingbrook. The only good thing about the experience is that I got to practice the speech I’m going to give to Lifetime’s movie producers!”

Carrtim wouldn’t reveal all the details. He did say that he was trashing the plots of the prequels, and promised no Ewoks in “Return of the Jedi.” He also isn’t worried about facing the wrath of George Lucas.

“He still doesn’t know that he signed away the interstellar remake rights. By the time the movies are released on Earth, he’ll be long dead, and Earth's Star Wars fans will finally get the prequels they deserve!”

The first film, “Return of the Sith” will be released in 2014 to the rest of the Milky Way. Carrtim will then release a Star Wars film every year until 2019.

Also in The Babbler:

Wooters invade Chicago!
Lucifer spotted at Kuma’s Corner
Podcaster fails to deliver record setting insult against U of C student
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/11/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Web Exclusive: Elyse and FermiLab to send a message to the past

Relatives of anonymous sources at FermiLab say Skepchick Elyse will attempt to send a message to the past on June 12.

“She says that her schedule is really messed up because her daughter was born a week early.” Said one source. “So she wants to send a message to her past self, and then she will be prepared for her daughter’s early birth.”

When asked how FermiLab could send a message to the past, another source replied, “Physics!” then smashed a brick with his head.

According to Professor Nick Sawnson, he speculates that Elyse has an intertwined particle in her home. The other particle is at FermiLab. If true, then scientists will attempt to use their particle's “spooky action” to affect Elyse’s particle in the past.

“If this works,” Said Sawnson, not only will Elyse be ready for her baby’s birth, our communications will become unstuck in time! You could read a review of a movie that hasn’t been written yet! Entertainment as we know it will be dead!”

The sources say that Elyse got the idea when she received a message from the future. The message read, “Momhehitmedidnotdidtoquietshutupimtyringtowatchthecubsworldseriesgame!”

When asked to comment, Elyse said, “I won’t be at FermiLab on June 12 at 10 AM, but Women Thinking Free Foundation will sponsor a tour of FermiLab. It will cost $30 dollars, but that includes lunch and a lecture by a female scientist. You can only get the tickets online! Men and women are welcome.”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.