Saturday, May 29, 2010

The Readers speak out 5/29/10

Doug Fields here. We’ll be taking the Memorial Day Weekend off to remember the fine men and women who have made the ultimate sacrifice. Thanks to their efforts, we can keep exposing the truth without worrying about foreign occupiers censoring us.

Our first reader is looking for some advice.

To the Editor:

I met this beautiful woman a few days ago. She was so nice to me, which I really appreciated. Now I am a well-loved person, but she was special. She could see into my soul.

Someone asked to take my picture with her. I gave her the tightest hug I’d ever given someone. Because she turned my horrible week around.

When she slipped me a note, I tried to cool. Wow, I thought, I’m going to get lucky.

When I got to my hotel, I opened the note. Imagine the pain I felt when I discovered that the note was a personal attack. She implied that I was evil. Thousands called me evil, but her words hurt me. I thought I was going to get lucky. Now I feel cursed!

What should I do?

No name given
No city

First, see a therapist.

Second, don’t asked us for romantic advise.

Third, if you’re the person we think you are, at least take comfort in knowing that you hugged a vaccinated person.

Finally, here’s a letter that’s appropriate for the break.

To the Editor:

I’m sick of the Brook Report disrespecting Mayor Roger Claar. The man is a great commander in chief!

As any long time Babbler reader knows, after alien terrorists tried to crash a UFO into his home, Roger lead the retaliatory strike. Roger defeated the terrorists, unlike Presidents Bush and Obama. He’s a true American Hero, and the only Bolingbrook mayor to successfully win a war!

The Brook Report just harps on budgets, the golf club, and some blurry photos. Show Roger some love. We owe our lives to him!

Bruce Z. Kiteman
Bolingbrook, IL

Technically, Mayor Edward Rosenthal was the first Bolingbrook mayor to win a war. He defeated invaders from the 31st Century and saved Bolingbrook from annihilation. Some argue that since Rosenthal sent a strike force to destroy the invader’s time machines before they could invade, the invasion never happened, and Rosenthal shouldn’t receive credit for repelling the invasion.

We say they both deserve credit for their military victories. They protected Bolingbrook from those who wanted to destroy her.

However, we didn’t stop criticizing Rosenthal when we felt he was wrong. Likewise with Claar. Democracy works best when the press acts as a watchdog. The military protects us from foreign politicians. We protect you from local politicians.

So remember those who have died and written for our freedom. Because freedom isn’t free and neither is the newsstand edition of The Babbler.

The Brook Report is, well, The Brook Report.

Also in The Babbler:

Man infected with computer virus switches brain to Linux.
Psychic Money columnist: Seafood will be the new gold!
Virgin Group offers to buy out Aurora
God to Smite Bolingbrook on 6/5/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Web Exclusive: Placebo Consortium spins poorly attended Chicago Andrew Wakefield rally

While between 50 to 100 people attended an anti-vaccination rally and Andrew Wakefield speech in Chicago, one sponsor wasn’t disappointed.

The CEO of the Placebo Consortium, who identified himself Mr. Green, said he was moved to tears.

“Just the sight of so many people willing to risk their children’s lives because they don’t want their children to be autistic. It just makes me want to cry with tears of joy.  Our new slogan should be 'better sick than autistic!'”

The Placebo Consortium, according to various sources, is a secret organization dedicated to promoting complementary and alternative medicine. Supporters say that they just want to secure profits for CAM businesses. Critics say the group wants to endanger the health of humanity to enrich themselves.

Green claims he used to work for the pharmaceutical companies, before he saw the light.

“In my old job, we’d have to spend millions of dollars to create medicines that would do something. That really cuts into the profit margin. Now, I can create products that don’t do anything.”

According to Green, he found his real calling in the consortium.

“All we do is mention an ailment. Mention our product. Throw in a disclaimer that we’re not claiming to cure or treat anything. The early adaptors buy up the products. The product usually doesn’t do anything. Heck, some of this stuff is just distilled water. Since some people will normally get better on their own, they’ll assume the product helped them. We get their testimonials for ads. Then we get the late adapters. Profits go through the roof. If someones get sicker, we’ll just say he wasn’t thinking enough good thoughts. They’ll believe it. They’ll believe anything we say as long as we bad mouth pharmaceuticals companies.”

Green says that vaccines do work, but they’re bad for business.

“They never made sense to me in my previous job. They make even less sense in my current job. We don’t make money preventing disease. We make money when people are sick, or afraid of getting sick. So it is in our interest to persuade people not to take them.”

He added that thanks to Wakefield and Jenny McCarthy, the Placebo Consortium expects to generate record profits for years.

“Sure Andrew isn’t having a good week. Losing your medical license can ruin anyone’s week. Yeah, we would have liked more people here, but It’s not about rallies. It’s potential clients. Thanks to Andy and Jenny’s efforts, preventable illness are on the rise, and trust in medicine is declining. I say we’re coming out of the dark ages, and moving into the golden age of illness! Hey, maybe we can say that it’s not healthy to be disease free! I know the public will buy it! Ah. It will be just like South Africa before they stopped denying HIV.”

The group Women Thinking Free staged a counter-protest.  No arrests were made, but one member said she felt sick after Wakefield touched her.

Men Asserting Their Thoughts sent out press releases protesting the event.

“Saying that you want to protect your children and then not vaccinating them is dumb. That’s like a pregnant woman saying she wants to carry her baby to term, and then entering a MMA tournament.”

Green said he wasn’t worried about the protesters. 

“We have Jenny on our side. She’s a mother, and she says what people want to hear.”

Green then walked over to a woman wearing a wig, sunglasses and an overcoat. He handed a check to her.

“This is for you.”

The woman pulled a finger out of her nose.

“How did you know?”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Web exclusive: Lisle trees veto Navistar relocation

Lisle’s trees rejected Navistar’s relocation plan after a meeting ended violently.

According to eyewitnesses, Navistar Dan Ustian and his legal team were meeting with the tree council in The Morton Arboretum. While the trees were questioning him about their revised plans to relocation to the former Lucent campus, Ustian interrupted. He asked why he was listening to “a bunch of talking timber?”

“We are the trees! You are a human. You will respect your proper role here.”

“I am a human.” Yelled Ustian! To the horror of the Lisle village officials there, Ustian stood up and marched towards the facilitator tree. “You are all trees. We decide if you should live or die. I could burn down this forest with my vehicles!”

The facilitator tree grabbed the CEO by the throat and lifted him off the ground.

“Swear you will never have more than six diesel testing stations on the campus.”

Ustian responded with an obscenity. The tree started to strangle Ustian. Navistar and village officials tried to pry him free but were unable to.

As Ustian started to turn blue, another tree ordered his release. After watching Ustian fall to the ground, the facilitator declared the Navistar proposal vetoed.

“You can’t veto plan! Because we’re withdrawing it!” Protested Ustian. He started to say something about Americans never backing down to trees. When a human-tree assassin popped up in front him, he stopped talking.

As he was escorted out of the arboretum, Mayor Joe Broda was heard saying that Ustian shouldn’t feel bad because the trees also rejected BP's proposed headquarters.

“Next time try to make your plans greener.” Broda allegedly said. “We’re a treeocarcy here. It doesn’t matter what the residents think. The trees get the last word in Lisle.”

When reached for comment, a Navistar employee replied, “Cool! Another Babbler article about us!”

Broda, when reached on the phone, replied, “I am not a slave to the trees!”

When this reporter called the Lisle Chamber of Commerce, a woman answered, “Oh we like the trees here. They take good care of us. They say Lisle is antibusiness, but that’s not true. It’s just that some businesses are anti-tree, and we can’t have that here. Oh no. Lisle is trees. Trees are Lisle. We’re nothing without trees here. Oh God save me! No! No! When I meant save me--”

The line then went dead.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Alien brings billion dollar psychic challenge to Chicago area

By Reporter X

Deep inside Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base, famed skeptic and magician James Randi walked into a meeting room. He sets up a stand and places a top hat on it. Then he reaches into the hat and pulls out a rabbit.

“Now you’ve just made three assumptions,” said Randi, “and they’re wrong. First, this is not a hat, this is a tesseract. Second, this is not a rabbit, this is a Centauri fur ball. Third, I’m not James Randi.” He then changed into a seven foot tall alien. “I’m Dischum, the Amazing Epsilon Magician.”

Dischum will be in the Chicago area this week to administer his billion challenge to humans who claim to have paranormal powers. Each night, Dischum will abduct applicants for his prize, and then demand that the applicants immediately demonstrate their power.

“I lack the patience most human skeptical organizations have.” Said Dischum. “They, in my opinion, waste too much time working out the terms of their tests. All the while, the subject makes a public spectacle about how ‘unfair’ the skeptics are. My advance technology allows me easily detect cheating. All I have to do is abduct them and say, ‘Show me your woo.’”

Dischum says became a skeptic over thirty years ago. At the time, he was serving as an implant assistant on board a spaceship. After abducting James Randi, Dischum said he struck up a conversation with him.

“Randi told me about his skeptical activism. As we talked, he impressed me with all that he was doing to fight con-artists and bring enlightenment to his species. Here I was sticking probes into aliens' private parts. I then realized that I was on the wrong life path?”

That meeting changed both of their lives, said Dischum.

“Randi said he was going to stop drinking because it was giving strange dreams. I was inspired to become a skeptical activist!”

After the mission, Dischum became a magician, and sold the patent for what would eventually become the smartphone to the New World Order. He used the money to fund his billion dollar challenge.

Dischum invited this reporter to observe two challenges. At the start of the first challenge, Dischum approached a man secured in an examination chair.

“You say you have the power to fire energy beams from your eyes.” Said Dischum.
“Yes!” Said the man. “In fact, a CAT Scan showed a 0.01 anomaly in my head which suggests--”

“My sensors show nothing!” Dischum then held up a sheet of metal. “Fire your beam at this. It can detect any form of energy.”

“My beam cannot affect nor be detected by almost anything in the universe.”

“Then what is it good for?”

“I can put on a pair of goggles which are plugged into a computer. When I fire my beam and move my finger at the same time, the computer will beep. If you will bring my goggles--”

“Tell me how to build these goggles?”

“I don’t know how. The aliens from AlphaBeta 5 told me how--”

“They haven’t even discovered fire yet!”

“That’s what they want you to think--”

“You will fire a beam of energy into this sheet or Sagan, my invisible heatless fire-breathing dragon, will bite your head off!”

The second test started with a man standing against a wall of an empty room. Dischum is standing on the other side of the room.

“You practice applied kinesiology?”

“Um, yes.”

Are you holding your two HEO bracelets and are they working?”

“Yes.”

The floor between the two beings retracted except for small metal beam. Below is a several thousand foot drop to Earth.

“Walk across this beam and I will give you a billion dollars.” Commanded Dischum

The man lightened up. “I thought this was going to be hard.” He confidently started his trek across the beam. “I will use quantum mechanics to harness the balancing effect of dark energy and--”

The man slipped and screamed as he started his plunge.

Dischum shook his head. “This went almost as bad as the Sylvia Browne test did.” He continued to watch the man fall. When asked if he would rescue him, Dischum replied, “Later. I want to give him more time to reconsider his life path.”

Critics accuse Dischum of being too harsh on applicants and failing to take their special needs into account.

Said Carlos K. Hernandez, “I can’t help it if my telekinesis requires a metal object, a covered metal table, and proximity to an electrical outlet to work! He was unfair!”

When ask why he administers this challenge on humans, Dischum says he is answering a higher calling.

“The human DJ Grothie says that protecting people from scammers is a humanism. I agree and add that helping aliens overcome their woo overlords is an episolnism as well.”

When asked to comment, Grothie replied, “So you believe that there is an alien magician who is abducting people to test their supernatural claims? And he’ll pay them a billion dollars if they pass his tests?” He paused for several seconds. “There is no good reason to continue this conversation.”

Also in The Babbler:

Skepchick Elyse: My daughter is 100% natural
Valley View School Board loses “Best partying governing body” contest
Chicago Boobquake only breaks one glass
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/26/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Muhammad spotted in Lisle!

Some residents of Lisle claim to have seen ghostly apparitions of Muhammad ibn ‘Abdullāh, the founder of Islam.

Donna Z. Kaplan of Lisle, said she saw a water stain inside the Main Street underpass.

“It kind of looked like someone of Arab decent.” Said Kaplan. “So I assumed that it was Muhammad. Since I was getting disillusioned with the Catholic Church, I took it as a sign from God, I mean Allah.”

As she started to kneel and pray to the image. A man’s voice told her to stand up. She looked up and claims to have seen the translucent figure of Muhammad.

According to Kaplan, Muhammad said, “Don’t worship a water stain! Worship Allah, the all merciful and all powerful. It is from His mercy that we owe our existence. Besides, you don’t want my followers destroying this overpass. It looks OK for a morally decadent Western structure.”

Kaplan is in the process of converting to Islam, and is thankful for Muhammad’s guidance.

“To think that I almost converted to Islam because of a water stain. Thanks to the last prophet, I will convert to Islam because of the miracle of an illiterate man writing the holiest book of all!”

Another witness, who asked to be called Gabriel, said he saw Muhammad after recently converting to Islam.

“I wanted to join the Jihad against the cartoonist who draw unholy images of Muhammad.” Said Gabriel. “That is when the great prophet Muhammad appeared before me. He said that just as the children of the book should not impose their values on us, we not should force their values upon them. We should tax them instead. I never thought of it that way before.”

According to Gabriel, Allah has a plan for all sinners who refuse to submit to Him. When certain Muslims attack sinners, they are questioning His plan.

“I always said that Allah was merciful. I guess I didn’t know what that word meant until the last prophet explained it to me. Thanks Muhammad!”

Gabriel now insists that he will submit to local law as well as Islamic law.

Paula Q. Fly, a Lisle resident and photographer, said that Muhammad appeared before her and insisted that he take pictures.

“I was stunned. Then he explained that as long as the pictures were tasteful, and no one worshiped the photographs themselves, it would be fine.”

During the photo shoot, Fly interviewed Muhammad.

“I asked him why he required women to wear burkas. He replied that Allah only wanted to women to protect their modesty, and some of his followers take His request too far.”

Fly said that Muhammad seem like an “OK person” at first. When she asked about Aisha, whom he married when she was seven, her opinion soured.

“He said it was OK because she was his favorite wife. Then he said that it was OK back then, because times were different. He also said that at the time, Islam treated women well compared to other cultures at the time. I thought religious morals was supposed to be timeless. He said that wasn’t the case when it comes to women.”

When asked why Muhammad was appearing in Lisle, he replied that Allah was disappointed that DuPage County Zoning Board of Appeals rejected a planned Islamic center. Muhammad was hoping to educate residents about the real Islam.

“If more people decide to submit to Allah in the process, all the better.”

When asked to comment, Lisle Mayor Joe Broda made several unprintable comments before saying, “Don’t expect the village to guard your bureau office all the time. I can’t afford to hire more officers!”

The Downers Grove Islamic Advocacy Group released a statement saying that if The Babbler ran this article, they would gather all copies, add “Ali” after Muhammad’s name, and draw boxing gloves on any depictions of Muhammad.

Also in The Babbler:

‘Babies’ is the number one movie in the Milky Way
Chicago Skeptics honor Anti-psychic Kitty
Bolingbrook Animal Control officers get werecat training
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/20/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Web Exclusive: ‘Boston leprechauns are trying to frame us!’

An anonymous source within Bolingbrook Village Hall claims that Boston leprechauns have uploaded fake photographs of prominent Will County politicians.

According to the source, the problem started last October. DuPage Township Supervisor William Mayer, Romeoville Mayor John Noak, Valley View school board members Steve Quigley and Mike Evans, attended a National League of Cities conference in Boston.

“We had some time to kill before conference.” Said the source. “So we decided to catch the baseball game. On our way, we ran into the midget. He offered to sell us some shoes. We told him no.”

The man, said the source, started hopping up and down. He said that he would bring us down. Even if we found his pot of gold, he would still get his revenge.

“We thought he was crazy, and so we kept going.”

Seven months later, pictures of the delegation appeared on The Brook Report web site.

“We didn’t remember posing for those pictures.” Said the source. “So we think that little guy was a Leprechaun. He and his friends must have used their powers to impersonate us. Then they took those horrible images. They made us look like horny frat boys!”

Experts consulted by The Babbler agree it is possible for leprechauns to impersonate a human and photograph the illusion.

Elyse, a skeptical podcaster and blogger, disagreed.

“You said you were going to show me pictures of XXX leprechaun porn! These are small crappy pictures of middle aged dudes! I can’t even tell what that guy is holding. Is that a (expletive deleted)?”

When reached for comment over the phone, Mayor Noak said, “What should I do? The Babbler is calling me?  They've never bothered me before.”

A man who sounded like Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar replied, “Don’t worry about it. No one takes The Babbler seriously.” This man took the phone and said, “Don’t you have some Connecticut septic workers to pick on?”

None of the other delegates could be reached for comment.

Image by Jean-noël Lafargue

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

The $5 challenge goes to TAM!

Babbler columnist Dale Onofrey will be our representative to The Amazing Meeting.  He's also bringing our $5 to TAM, as he explains in this video.



Also in The Babbler:

Vancouver: Bigfoot is not on our hockey team!
Claar brings interstellar cosmetics jobs to Clow UFO Base
O'hare TSA to add 'male enhancement' filters to body scanners
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/13/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Commentary: Keep on Mumbling

Doug Fields here. It seems like a certain British reader still hates our partnership with The Greater Manchester Mumbler.

To the editor:

Britain is on the verge of political chaos, and The Mumber is treating the election like a joke. Just look at this lead paragraph!

With the Tories coming up short, Labour limping into second place, and The Lib Dems failing to perform, the world looks in horror at Britain’s well hung parliament.

This may be acceptable for a Rupert Murdoch publication, but not for a true British publication! We have spent centuries building up a reputation as the most educated empire in the world, and The Mumber is trying to ruin it!

Your partnership is only encouraging them. If you really want to help them, why don’t you give their reporters visas, so they can leave the United Kingdom and never come back!

Otherwise, you are only encouraging the disintegration of Britain. Please stop!

Jenny King
Manchester, UK

My first thought: No.

My second thought: Bloody hell no.

OK, that wasn’t my second thought.

We support The Manchester Mumbler in their fight against pub crawling skeptics, and the UK Interstellar Office. Manchester residents deserve to know the true stories that The Manchester Evening News won’t cover. When Manchester police fought off invisible dragons, only The Mumbler covered the story. When street gangs started recruiting wizards, only The Mumbler warned the public. When Manchester needs the truth, The Mumbler is there!

The world is getting smaller and flatter. Our mayor, Roger Claar, recognizes this when he travels around the world to bring business to Bolingbrook. What happens in your “empire” affects us too. So when we see our sister publication under attack, we will stand up for her! Because when you attack The Mumbler, you attack The Babbler! To quote a certain prime minister, we will never surrender!

As for your hung parliament, I’d be more concerned with the UK Independence Party efforts to resurrect Oliver Cromwell than The Mumbler’s writing style.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Miraculous images of Bonnie appear in Bolingbrook

Residents around Bolingbrook are seeing “miraculous” images of former mayoral candidate Bonnie Alicea.

“After the rain, I saw a puddle of water that looked just like Bonnie!” Said Donald Burge. “It was a sign that Bonnie is returning to deliver us from Roger’s evil budget!”

David Gilbert used to be an atheist until he looked at Twitter last Friday.

The Friendly Atheist said he had a swollen ankle. I looked at the picture, and I saw Bonnie’s face in his wounded ankle! I now believe in the divine power of Bonnie, and  I’m praying for her to forgive me for voting for Roger!”

Donna Z. Markos, claims she saw a vision of Alicea in a restaurant.

“I was eating breakfast, when I heard a voice say, ‘I don’t know, I really don’t know.’ I looked up and saw Bonnie! Sitting in a booth, just as real as you and me.”

Markos then got down on her knees and exclaimed, “Come back, and save us from the evil that is Roger Claar’s budget cuts!” Before Alicea could reply, Markos stood up, and “filled with the spirit of Bonnie,” ran outside.

Another resident, who asked to be called Bruce, claimed that Bonnie came to him in a dream. In the dream, a man with a laptop floated over his bed.

“He started reading from the laptop, ‘Behold! The glory that is--’ Then he clicked on his laptop a few times. Then he continued, ‘Bonnie!’”

Bonnie appeared in burst of light, according to Bruce.

“She said that she was going to pass judgment on Bolingbrook, and only those who begged for her return would be saved. As proof of her powers, she cured me of snoring. I didn’t know I snored!”

Sherry X. Muler, host of the skeptical podcast, “I’m Cute and You’re Stupid,” offered an alternative explanation.

“This is just a case of politically induced Pareidolia. Obviously many Bolingbrook residents have been through the trauma of budget cuts. So they’re looking for a savior, and are subconsciously turning random patterns into images of Bonnie. This will go away once people realize they can hire security guards to protect their homes, and don’t need police officers.”

Alicea moved to Florida last year after claiming she was defamed by Mayor Roger Claar and Trustee Michael Lawler. According to the minutes from July 28, 2009 Village Board meeting, Lawler commented about the death of Valley View School Board member Debbie Bielawski. Lawler said that their call for Bielawski’s resignation upset her, and may have contributed to her stroke and eventual death. Claar added, according to the minutes that Bielawski was never his “puppet” and, as paraphrased in the minutes, “the unwarranted personal attacks being leveled toward people by this group were pretty disgusting.”

Alicea responded on the CFBB web page that she had never commented on Bielawski’s situation, and was only a spokesperson for CFBB. 

In March of 2010, she filed a defamation lawsuit against the Village of Bolingbrook. In her lawsuit, Alicea says she was harassed and called a “loser killer” by some bar patrons.

When asked to comment, Claar replied, “I’d like to say that she could save the village money by ending her frivolous lawsuit, but my lawyer says I can’t comment. So no comment.”

According to The Brook Report, Alicea was in Bolingbrook this past weekend, though she was not seen by any Babbler staff members.

When e-mailed for a comment, a spokesperson replied, “During her current term as the mayor of Florida's Little Bolingbrook neighborhood, she has never raised taxes, never imposed a property tax, never built a elaborate golf club with public funds, and has never run a budget deficit. If she is appointed Mayor of Bolingbrook as part of a settlement, I’m sure she would be happy to solve Bolingbrook’s problems! She will also offer amnesty to those who renounce Roger!”

Also in The Babbler:

God curses The Friendly Atheist
Chicago feminist: Feminism a casualty of Boobquake!
Experts: ‘Mount Bolingbrook’ in no danger of exploding
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/13/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.