Sunday, December 19, 2010

Wikileaks to target Bolingbrook

Various sources say that Wikileaks will be releasing several thousand documents pertaining to Bolingbrook.

According to one of the sources within Wikileaks, the documents offer an unprecedented insight into Bolingbrook’s political scene.

“Sure we usually tackle national governments.” Said the source. “But this stuff is too good not to leak! It’ll be a good warm up to our Chicago release!”

Sources say the documents include thousands of e-mails, letters, and memos, all of which have never been publicly released. Most of the advanced documents given to The Babbler are about mundane items, like repairing the monitors in the board room. There were a few items of interests.

In an alleged e-mail between Mayor Roger Claar and official at Orange Crush LLC, Claar asks, “Why does Bolingbrook need a contract to serve your soda? If you’re just trying to be the official soda of my bar, well, then I should let you know that Coca-Cola currently leads the bidding!” A later e-mail explains that Orange Crush LLC is an asphalt company, and not related to the soda.

The leaks also included an e-mail between staff members of The Brook Report.

The first staffer wrote, “George Smith didn’t donate $10,000 to Bonnie’s campaign. We need to make a correction.”

The second staff member replied, “Your wrong! I’ve seen $10 written as $10,000 somewhere. The Residents won’t care. Their not interested in what the Topix person have to say.”

The documents also detail contacts between Bolingbrook officials and atheist groups. One of the documents includes an alleged letter between DuPage Township Supervisor Bill Mayer and an unnamed atheist.

“We will be happy to accept your food donations.” Wrote Mayer. “However, we cannot distribute Atheist Barbie with each donation of your food item. Once we receive your donations, they are mixed with our common stocks. So we cannot track your donations after that point. I would suggest donating your dolls to a local toy drive. If you do that, FOR GOD’S SAKE, GIVE HER SOME PANTS!”

Another alleged letter claims to be between Claar and an official from Polaris Financial Planning.

“While I appreciate your $400 million offer,” wrote Claar, “I will not change our water towers to include the slogan: “Village of Bolingbrook: We’re bowling over god!”

When asked for an official comment, Wikileaks said they required a cash donation in unmarked bills to pay for their e-mail expenses.

Phil Ferguson, head of Polaris and blogger at Skeptic Money, replied, “How much do I have to pay you to shut down your rag?”

When The Babbler tried to reach Claar, his receptionist said he could not be disturbed. In the background, a man who sounded like Claar yelled, “OK, you want to negotiate, we’ll negotiate! If you use your top commandos to bring Julian Assange to me, and you let me first prosecute him under the Bolingbrook Embarrassing Documents Ordinance, I will consider passing a Barack Obama Hour proclamation, and maybe I’ll shave off a couple dollars when I donate to your Republican opponent!”

Also in The Babbler:

Aluminum pole shortage blamed on Festivus
Claar grant Santa permission to enter Bolingbrook homes
Rev. Meeks: I will not ban white cats!
God to Smite Bolingbrook on 12/23/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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