|Is this a UFO following Ashley Paramore?|
Bolingbrook’s Men in Blue pulled a video by YouTube producer @healthyaddict about Clow UFO Base, fifteen minutes after she posted it.
Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs said that @healthyaddict, also know as Ashely Paramore, a director at the Secular Student Alliance, tried to video tape aliens at Clow UFO Base.
“We know she meant no harm.” Said spokesperson Robert L. Amerberson. “But that doesn’t excuse the fact that she uploaded the video. Now if she had released the video through The Babbler, we would have let it slide. No one believes The Babbler. But her YouTube channel is very credible and has more followers than The Babbler’s. Which says a lot about an atheist channel. Anyway, we couldn’t take the chance.”
Based on eyewitness accounts of the video, and expert analysis of her previous videos, this reporter was able reconstruct her Clow video.
The video starts off with Paramore driving in her car and wearing earphones. She says she’s in Bolingbrook and on her way to Clow Airport.
“They say that the airport is really a UFO base” Said Paramore. “What makes it unusual is that skeptics are allowed to visit the base. I guess we’re part of the ‘coverup’ of UFOs. So, YouTube, let’s see if they’ll let me film the aliens!”
The video then jumps to her arrival at Clow. Which is then followed by various shots of her trying to find aliens at Clow.
“There are no aliens by the flag polls.”
“There’s no secret door to the base behind this snow bank.”
“I’m not allowed to cross this line. I wonder if there are aliens in there.”
“That doesn’t look like a UFO to me.”
“That guy is giving me funny looks. I wonder if he’s an alien. He doesn’t look like one.”
“Is that an airplane, or is it an airplane filled with aliens?”
Finally, a scene starts inside Illinois Aviation Museum. After focusing on an airplane for a few seconds, Paramore raises her head into the shot and smiles.
“Nope. No aliens here either.”
Some people who saw the video claim that she actually did film aliens and alien space craft.
“If you look carefully at a couple frames at the beginning of her video, you see what appears to be a black speck.” Said YouTuber Bolingbrookalien. “I’m sure it’s really a Martian warship that de-cloaked for 1/16th of a second.”
Professor Monica K. Ward AB PhD, thinks Paramore filmed a couple Reptoids. “To the unaided eye, the anomalies look like unfocused pixellated people in the distance, but I know they’re really Reptoids trying to maintain their form. She should be more observant.”
Later in the video, Paramore approaches a guard and tries to say the password to get her into the base.
“I’m feeling very skeptical about this place.”
“Do you ever feel Randi working around here?”
“I want to Grothe my view of aviation?”
“Do I have to Wagg something to get into the special section?”
After a few more attempts, she tells the guard to wait. The video then cuts to her walking back to the guard.
“I’m trying to find the--” She holds up a fist full of necklaces. “Surly room! I think one of these is the key to the room. Can you help me?”
The video then cuts back to her driving in her car.
“Well I didn’t see any aliens, and the guard told me to leave or he was going to turn me over to the TSA. I wanted to see the aliens, but I guess I’m not important enough to be let in. YouTube, maybe Jeff Wagg is right. Maybe there is more to being skeptical than simply not believing in God.”
The final scene is her pulled by the side of the road. Flashing lights can be seen from her rear window.
“I just got pulled over and a man in a blue suit is approaching me.” Said Paramore. “I think I’m going to upload my video before its too late.” The video ends seconds later.
Amberson denied that Paramore was harmed or had her memory altered.
“We simply explained that not everyone who claims to be a skeptic will be allowed into Clow. You have to be sponsored by a major Skeptic group, like The James Randi Educational Foundation or CSI.”
When asked if this was unfair towards younger skeptics, Amberson disagreed.
“We’ve been trying to get Jennifer McCreight to speak here for years. She wants us to pay for her graduate education. Maybe after people have forgotten about Boobquake, we can talk down her speaker fee.”
Amberson said that his department explained to Paramore that she could help skepticism by promoting a certain Bolingbrook institution.
“A strong Bolingbrook will lead to a strong skeptical movement!”
This reporter finally located Paramore, who was hanging out in a bridal suite at The Bolingbrook Golf Club.
“Hey YouTube! Here’s the reporter from The Babbler I was telling you about.” Said Paramore as she greeted the reporter and filmed with her iPhone.
She added that it was good to talk to “a real person,” because some people were writing mean comments on her channel.
Paramore denied trying to find aliens at Clow, and insisted that she was in Bolingbrook only to visit the Golf Club.
“Someone mailed me a VIP coupon and told me to ‘do my thing.’ So I figured that I would stop by here on my break and invite Hemant and his friends.” She added, “This place is so big and so empty. We’re going to have the sports bar and the hot tub all to ourselves. It’s going to be awesome!”
After being asked several questions about UFOs and religion, Paramore then looked into her iPhone and said, “This is a weird interview, YouTube. Do you want to see more?” She pointed to the ground. “Leave a comment down here, or send me a video!”
Paramore then praised the club’s staff.
“They’re so cool. Whenever I flash my coupon, they'll do almost anything for me. They make me feel like a high roller. Just now I asked them to retrieve my luggage, which is stuck in Minneapolis. They said no problem.”
A few seconds later, several staff members entered the suite with a large crate.
“Mayor Roger Claar wants you to know that the Illinois Air National Guard will have your here in about two hours.” Said a staff member. “We’re sorry we could not get your luggage to you sooner, and we hope this will help you pass the time.”
The staff then opened the crate, revealing an arcade machine. As they plugged it in, Paramore gasped and walked toward the machine.
“Oh YouTube!” She exclaimed. “It’s a vintage Dance Dance Revolution arcade machine.” She moved closer to the game. “And it has unlimited credits!”
Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.