Sunday, December 5, 2010

Valley View rejects teaching 'Reptoid Theory' of Santa Claus

Is Santa an alien?
Valley View 365U will not be the first school district in the world to teach an alternative theory of Santa Claus.

"It's bad enough that we have to deal with Rhonda and her site!" Said School Board President Steven Quigley, according to sources. "I will not let anyone turn our schools into a laughing stock!"

According to various sources, the board met in secret with the president of the Bolingbrook Alien Education Society, Paul X. Ferguson. Ferguson, said the sources, asked the board to give "equal" time to alternative theories of Santa Claus. When Mike Evans asked this meant teaching students about Hanukkah, he shook his head.

"We're teaching students a fairy tale about Santa Claus when there is perfectly rational explanation." Said Ferguson. As the board members jaws dropped, Ferguson unveiled his "scientific theory."

"Every December, The Reptoids give thanks to the human race by sending a fleet of space ships, disguised as flying sleighs, to deliver gifts to the families of the 'developed nations.' They then teleport into each home, and shape shift to look like Santa Claus. This is how they thank us for not drilling into the center of the Earth."

Ferguson said his theory resolves many problems of that the current "theory" of Santa Claus has. His theory explains why Santa in be in several homes simultaneously. It also explains how he is able to transport the millions of pounds of toys. The theory also doesn't require reindeer to fly at supersonic speed.

After explaining the theory, the board sat in stunned silence. Finally, Mrs. Liz Campbell asked why he was inspired to come up with this theory.

"Richard Dawkins said that we shouldn't teach our children fairy tales, but science fiction instead. Now, I don't consider my theory science fiction, but it does give our district the chance to offer an alternative to parents who want their kids to only be exposed to science."

Campbell, according to the sources, paused, and then said, "That settles if for me. I'm voting no!"

Quigley asked if the theory had been peer reviewed. When Ferguson said no, Quigley explained, "We may have our issues, but we always try to teach peer reviewed scientific theories. The traditional theory of Santa Claus has been reviewed by millions of parents. I see no need to go against centuries of tradition at this time. If Nature accepts your paper, let us know."

The board then voted unanimously against teaching Ferguson's theory.

When reached for comment, Ferguson denied meeting with the school board, but says his theory has been peer-reviewed.

"My friends like the theory, and they're my peers." Said Ferguson. "I hope to get it published by MUFON. After all, Hollow Earth Theory makes more sense than an immortal old man living in hut at the North Pole!"

When asked to comment Quigley said, "There is a Hell. It's Rhonda asking questions in my left ear, and an issue of The Babbler stapled to my eyes!"

Also in The Babbler:

Anti-vax parent: I'd rather have a dead kid than an autistic one!
Aliens testing cloaked ballons over Lisle
Snow snakes responsible for Bolingbrook blackout
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/10/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

For those of you that don’t think that there is no such thing as aliens, you need to wake up. There have been reptilians living amongst us for thousands of years, and there’s countless evidence to prove it. This video does a pretty good job of giving you a rough idea of what the Draconians are and how long they’ve been here. Their disguises utilize technology that is much more advanced than the technology that is available to the general public (which is usually 50 to 100 years behind what the human elite organizations such as DARPA have), but it is still not infallible. There have been many instances caught on tape when the moving features of their face (mouth and eyes) have a slight lag time to recalibrate to the sudden change in movement. Hence the appearances of reptilian eyes or tongues for split seconds. One of my buddies who also (happens to be quite adept in regards to the reptilians and what they’re all about) was filming a city council meeting for ventura county when he caught something like this. He posted some of the pictures at his website (they’re at http://anxiety.org if you want to check them out) although the quality isn’t as good as the one shot by the news network.