Sunday, December 26, 2010

Mayor Claar gives up mining rights to Rebecca Watson’s asteroid

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Mayor Roger Claar gave head Skepchick Rebecca Watson a very special Christmas present.

Before an interstellar press conference, which The Babbler was able to intercept the video feed, Claar announced that he was giving up the mining rights to an asteroid named after Watson.

“I always said someday that asteroid will turn a profit.” Said Claar. “But after hearing about the great work Rebecca has been doing for humanity, I realized that I couldn’t destroy that asteroid. There are other ways for it to make a profit.

Claar bought the mining rights to 153289 Rebeccawatson in 1997 from the Barnard’s Star Consumption Consortium. Claar hoped to use the profits from mining the asteroid to end the village’s property tax. Instead, the sale triggered an investigation by The New World Order. Though they cleared Claar of any wrong doing, the sale was held for ten years by the New World Order because they questioned whether the BSCC legally owned the asteroid.

During the delay, the asteroid was discovered by David H. Healy in 2001, and later named after Watson in honor of her efforts to promote science and “rational thinking.” After the mining rights were turned over to Claar, The Interstellar Alliance for the Advancement of Science ordered Claar not to mine the asteroid, explaining that the astroid was a symbol of their attempt to raise humanity’s scientific understanding and critical thinking skills.

“I was very critical of their decision to deny me access to my private property!” Said Claar.

Until the agreement, the asteroid was a source of contention between Bolingbrook and the skeptical community. Tensions were so high that in 2009, the JREF closed their embassy at Clow UFO Base. Though they denied it, sources says it was a show of solidarity with Watson.

Claar explained that Watson and he reached an agreement a few days ago. Claar agreed not to mine the asteroid, and Watson agreed to let him build a resort on the nearly three mile long asteroid. Waston would also get to use the resort, rent free, once a year.

“I’m so glad we can put this behind us.” Said Watson. “I also want to add that this agreement did not involve Skepchicks Maria or Tracy donating money to the mayor’s campaign fund. No Skepchick funds were given to the mayor.”

Claar added that he realized that he has a lot in common with Watson.

“We both like a good drink. We both like Boston. Well she probably likes it more than I do, and probably about as much as some of my colleagues did during their trip. Which by the way, they did not spend any tax dollars on their booze!”

Claar also said that he learned to appreciate Watson skepticism.

“When it was easy to believe in woo woo, she was skeptical. When my advisors told me not to build Americana Estates, I was skeptical too. Now she has a career in the skeptical movement, and someday, the village will make a profit thanks to my advanced planning!”

When asked by the alien press corps what she planned to do with the resort, Watson replied, “Thanks to the generosity of Mayor Claar, we now have a site that can house the TAM Skepchick Party! Plus if some guy is being a creep, we can threaten to throw him out the airlock.”

Watson went on to state that at the 2011 Skepchick Party, one person would get a very special Surlyramic.

“Last year we gave out the Ninja Surly to someone for infiltrating an anti-vax rally. In 2011, whoever is the most awesome skeptic at the time will get a Surly that will contain part of the asteroid in the clay. She, or he, will have the first out of this world Surly!”

Skepchick Jen, who was there with several other skepchicks, added that for the first time, this party would have a child friendly event.

“While the adults party, I’m going to take the children on a field trip about 70 light years from Earth. We’re going to watch the first television programs, and then I’ll talk to the older children about what the programs tell aliens about us.”

Skepchick Chelsea added, “I’ve made sure that the alien crew will not experiment on the children, and that they’ll be home in time for bed without any nasty time dilation effects.”

Skepchick Evelyn added, “For the non-drinking adults, I’ll be give a lecture on the geography of the asteroid. It has some of the oldest rocks in the solar system!”

After the press conference, when The Babbler finally reached Watson in her US residence, she replied, “You know, I should be mad that you’re waking me up before 1 in the afternoon. But since I’m in a festive mood, I’ll just wish all of you a happy Boxing Day. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to ask Sid what I’m supposed to put in the box. Or am I supposed to box someone?”

Also in The Babbler:

Merry Christmas from The Babbler
Rob Sherman declares victory in War against Christmas
Boise, ID neighborhood asks to join Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/28/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

No comments: