Thursday, December 30, 2010

The Bolingbrook Babbler’s shocking predictions for 2011

Will Greenland fall into the sea in 2011?
Every December, The Bolingbrook Babbler convenes a panel of psychics to report on their visions for the New Year. Last year, we predicted Lisle’s approval of Navistar moving into the old Lucent headquarters and the Republicans taking the House of Representatives.

Some so-called skeptics will claim that we missed several predictions. We respond that predicting the future is not an exact science, and it may take a year to fully understand a psychic’s vision. True, a Dr. Juanita Nogales didn’t debate Jenny McCarthy on cable TV, but area skeptics did form The Women Thinking Free Foundation, and fought with anti-vaccine activists over public service announcements. So we’ll count this as a correct prediction. While Mayor Roger Claar didn’t file a lawsuit against Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook, the former spokesperson did file a lawsuit against the Village of Bolingbrook. That seems like another success.

While The Chicago Skeptics try to rationalize our 2010 predictions, here are our predictions for 2011!



After an unprecedented number of election board and court rulings, all of Bolingbrook’s and Valley View’s candidates are declared ineligible for the April 2011 election. Residents panic over a possible government crisis.

The crisis is resolved when Claar invokes the Bolingbrook Anarchy and Terrorism Ordinance. Under the ordinance, the mayor is empowered to appoint public officials when an election is disrupted due to “acts by any individual or group whose actions are designed to terrorize, intimidate, or create feelings of unease among those charged with the public trust.”

“Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook, The Brook Report, Watch Dogs of Bolingbrook, or whatever the hell they’re calling themselves!” Claar will say. “They have certainly created unease among my colleagues. Plus their command of the English language is downright terrifying!”

Four people from The Brook Report will protest outside Village Hall, “On behalf of the residents.”

The rock band, The Residents will release a statement thanking The Brook Report for their support.

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Rev. James Meeks will jump back into the Chicago mayoral race as a write-in candidate. To everyone’s surprise, he wins the election.

His first act will be to declare New Salem Baptist Church the official church of Chicago. His second act will to order the Chicago police to shoot atheists Rob Sherman and Hemant Mehta on sight.

Despite the federal court house being under constant police surveillance, Sherman’s daughter manages to sneak inside and file an injunction against Mayor Meeks.

“If I have to choose between going to Meek’s church and leaving the Chicago area, I’ll leave Chicago.” Said his daughter. “That means losing educational and employment opportunities due to Meek’s unconstitutional rules.”

Chicago then bears down for a long legal fight.

----

Jaws around the country drop as the House of Representatives announces a plan to vaccinate all children. Some faint when the Republican caucus adds that the plan mandates that all children be vaccinated.

“Liberals are trying to kill our children!” Cries Speaker of the House John Boehner. “First they try to abort them, then they try to make them sick! Then these innocent sick children infect the children of hard working honest Americans! I say hell no you can’t do that!”

Sources will say that the trillion dollar plan is really an excuse to make liberals look bad and drive up the national debt. Still, the plan will be popular, but will die because Senate Republicans want to wait until a Republican is elected President before running up the debt.

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Blogger Jennifer McCreight announces that she will not organize a Boobquake 2011.

“Boobquake was fun, and opened a lot opportunities for me.” McCreight will say. “Now I would like to focus on higher goal: Winning a Nobel Prize in science. Then I can be an inspiration for women around the world. I want to show the world that you can be a feminist and a scientist.

“Plus I want to be able to call Podblack and say, ‘Hey, Kylie, how does feel to be teaching your students about my discoveries?’ I can’t wait!”

Others decide to organize Manboobquake, baldquake, and brainquake instead.  None will be as popular as the original event.

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YouTube singing sensations Pomplamoose will find themselves in the middle of a lip-syncing scandal. After an anonymous poster says the sounds on their “videosongs” are not live on tape, thousands of videos will appear, analyzing every one of their videos.

Instead of destroying their careers, Pomplamoose will become even more popular.

“Sure I hated have my videos questioned by people with no lives.” Jack Conte will say. “But I got over it. Now if you’ll excuse us, we have to perform before a sold out crowd at The United Center.”

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In order to prevent a National Government shutdown, President Obama appoints Mitt Romney as his new Vice-president. Obama promises a new era of bipartisanship.

The Republicans thank Obama by declaring him unable to discharge the power and duties of his office and have him temporarily removed from power.

“Being a Democrat is a mental illness.” A source will say. “Besides, it was the only way to give Mitt a decent chance to be the Republican nominee for president. If we left it up to rabble, they would elect Huckabee or Palin. We can’t have that!”

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Lisle will reject its first green business application.

“Sure we not that strict.” Mayor Joe Broda will say, “But there’s no way we can give this designation to BP!”

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Dr. Oz will tape a very special of his show on Michigan Avenue. During the show, he will reaffirm his heterosexuality, and confirm that he really is married to a woman.

“When I touch other women, I’m just being friendly.” Oz will say, holding back his tears. “I’m sorry if some of you thought I was pretending to be a gay friend. I hope you will forgive me.  My producers said it would help my ratings!"

In the middle of his confession, Orac will jump on stage, wearing a trench coat, and his face wrapped in bandages. Orac will point at Oz and accuse him of being a member of quackademia.

The audience, angered at the interruption of an emotional confession will charge Orac. This leads to a 1960s movie style chase down Michigan Avenue. During the chase, Orac will try hiding behind boxes, behind newspapers, and in various changing rooms.

After losing Orac for the 12th time, Dr. David Gorski will approach the mob, wearing a jogging suit.

“He went that way.” He’ll say.

The mob runs in the direction he points, then starts chasing a cab. After a mile, the mob finally settles down.

In the aftermath, the skeptical community will replace the phrase, “Don’t be a dick,” with the phrase, “Don’t pull an Orac.”

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Scientists will be shocked as the Greenland ice sheets abruptly breaks up and falls into the sea.

In the US, all costal cities will be flooded. Millions of coastal residents will be forced to move into the Midwest and South. Traditional Red States turn purple as cross wearing Christians are forced to live next to Surly wearing atheists. Riots will break out around the country.

Admits the chaos, few will notice that flood waters washed away leadership of the James Randi Educational Foundation, who just happened to be meeting in Florida at the time of the disaster.

“This is a tragic day for skepticism.” JREF fellow Jeff Wagg will say. Wagg will say that he is assuming control of the JREF.

“Before Randi drifted out of cell phone range, he said that he wanted me to lead the JREF into a new age. I reluctantly accepted his charge.”

Wagg, then announces that he will not accept a salary from The JREF because he’s now rich.

“I just happened to be on a cruse and I wanted to test some cameras. I just happened to turn on the cameras at the right moment and now I’m the most famous photographer in history! Every media outlet is paying me for my pictures of falling ice!”

Wagg will then announce that the first priority of the JREF will be to debunk rumors that the disaster was caused by simultaneous destination of 127 hydrogen bombs.


Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

2 comments:

Podblack said...

...considering I'll be published in two journals this year before Ms McCreight, I won't be worried. But all the best to every woman who contributes towards the further progress of science. :)

The Bolingbrook Babbler said...

"But all the best to every woman who contributes towards the further progress of science. :)"

I couldn't agree more.