Thursday, December 30, 2010

The Bolingbrook Babbler’s shocking predictions for 2011

Will Greenland fall into the sea in 2011?
Every December, The Bolingbrook Babbler convenes a panel of psychics to report on their visions for the New Year. Last year, we predicted Lisle’s approval of Navistar moving into the old Lucent headquarters and the Republicans taking the House of Representatives.

Some so-called skeptics will claim that we missed several predictions. We respond that predicting the future is not an exact science, and it may take a year to fully understand a psychic’s vision. True, a Dr. Juanita Nogales didn’t debate Jenny McCarthy on cable TV, but area skeptics did form The Women Thinking Free Foundation, and fought with anti-vaccine activists over public service announcements. So we’ll count this as a correct prediction. While Mayor Roger Claar didn’t file a lawsuit against Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook, the former spokesperson did file a lawsuit against the Village of Bolingbrook. That seems like another success.

While The Chicago Skeptics try to rationalize our 2010 predictions, here are our predictions for 2011!

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Mayor Claar gives up mining rights to Rebecca Watson’s asteroid

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Mayor Roger Claar gave head Skepchick Rebecca Watson a very special Christmas present.

Before an interstellar press conference, which The Babbler was able to intercept the video feed, Claar announced that he was giving up the mining rights to an asteroid named after Watson.

“I always said someday that asteroid will turn a profit.” Said Claar. “But after hearing about the great work Rebecca has been doing for humanity, I realized that I couldn’t destroy that asteroid. There are other ways for it to make a profit.

Claar bought the mining rights to 153289 Rebeccawatson in 1997 from the Barnard’s Star Consumption Consortium. Claar hoped to use the profits from mining the asteroid to end the village’s property tax. Instead, the sale triggered an investigation by The New World Order. Though they cleared Claar of any wrong doing, the sale was held for ten years by the New World Order because they questioned whether the BSCC legally owned the asteroid.

During the delay, the asteroid was discovered by David H. Healy in 2001, and later named after Watson in honor of her efforts to promote science and “rational thinking.” After the mining rights were turned over to Claar, The Interstellar Alliance for the Advancement of Science ordered Claar not to mine the asteroid, explaining that the astroid was a symbol of their attempt to raise humanity’s scientific understanding and critical thinking skills.

“I was very critical of their decision to deny me access to my private property!” Said Claar.

Until the agreement, the asteroid was a source of contention between Bolingbrook and the skeptical community. Tensions were so high that in 2009, the JREF closed their embassy at Clow UFO Base. Though they denied it, sources says it was a show of solidarity with Watson.

Claar explained that Watson and he reached an agreement a few days ago. Claar agreed not to mine the asteroid, and Watson agreed to let him build a resort on the nearly three mile long asteroid. Waston would also get to use the resort, rent free, once a year.

“I’m so glad we can put this behind us.” Said Watson. “I also want to add that this agreement did not involve Skepchicks Maria or Tracy donating money to the mayor’s campaign fund. No Skepchick funds were given to the mayor.”

Claar added that he realized that he has a lot in common with Watson.

“We both like a good drink. We both like Boston. Well she probably likes it more than I do, and probably about as much as some of my colleagues did during their trip. Which by the way, they did not spend any tax dollars on their booze!”

Claar also said that he learned to appreciate Watson skepticism.

“When it was easy to believe in woo woo, she was skeptical. When my advisors told me not to build Americana Estates, I was skeptical too. Now she has a career in the skeptical movement, and someday, the village will make a profit thanks to my advanced planning!”

When asked by the alien press corps what she planned to do with the resort, Watson replied, “Thanks to the generosity of Mayor Claar, we now have a site that can house the TAM Skepchick Party! Plus if some guy is being a creep, we can threaten to throw him out the airlock.”

Watson went on to state that at the 2011 Skepchick Party, one person would get a very special Surlyramic.

“Last year we gave out the Ninja Surly to someone for infiltrating an anti-vax rally. In 2011, whoever is the most awesome skeptic at the time will get a Surly that will contain part of the asteroid in the clay. She, or he, will have the first out of this world Surly!”

Skepchick Jen, who was there with several other skepchicks, added that for the first time, this party would have a child friendly event.

“While the adults party, I’m going to take the children on a field trip about 70 light years from Earth. We’re going to watch the first television programs, and then I’ll talk to the older children about what the programs tell aliens about us.”

Skepchick Chelsea added, “I’ve made sure that the alien crew will not experiment on the children, and that they’ll be home in time for bed without any nasty time dilation effects.”

Skepchick Evelyn added, “For the non-drinking adults, I’ll be give a lecture on the geography of the asteroid. It has some of the oldest rocks in the solar system!”

After the press conference, when The Babbler finally reached Watson in her US residence, she replied, “You know, I should be mad that you’re waking me up before 1 in the afternoon. But since I’m in a festive mood, I’ll just wish all of you a happy Boxing Day. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to ask Sid what I’m supposed to put in the box. Or am I supposed to box someone?”

Also in The Babbler:

Merry Christmas from The Babbler
Rob Sherman declares victory in War against Christmas
Boise, ID neighborhood asks to join Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/28/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Web Exclusive: Bolingbrook residents report owning genetically engineered Christmas trees

Have Frankintrees infiltrated Bolingbrook? Many readers believe so.

Donna, who asked that we not use her last name, says her cat tipped her off to her monstrous tree.

“Ms. Kitty used to play with every Christmas tree we ever bought.” She said. “Now she’s afraid of our current tree. I think its because it contains dog genes so cats will think it is a giant dog. The sales person denies it, but I feel its true.”

Doug, who also asked that we not use his name, claims that his tree is odd.

“I walking by my tree in the dark, because I didn’t want to wake up my wife. As I was going up the stairs, I noticed that my tree was glowing! I walked down the stairs and it stopped glowing. Like it knew I was watching it.”

Doug said that his wife claims he really saw a car’s lights reflecting off the tree decorations.

“She’s such a skeptic! I’m starting to think she’s in on it. Come to think of it, she insisted that I pick this tree.”

Paul Rackner, owner of Rackner’s Trees and Flowers, denies that anyone in Bolingbrook is using genetically modified trees.

“I certainly didn’t buy any trees from Denmark that were crossbred with jellyfish or wolfhounds! I knew you were going to ask me that!”

When asked to comment, DrJen, from Chicago Skeptics, replied, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. While you’re on the phone, I do want to mention that we will be hosting a special meetup about genetically modified food. It’ll be on December 28th at the Black Rock. It’ll start at 7:00 PM. It’s an interesting coincidence that The Babbler is also writing about genetically modified plants.”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Wikileaks to target Bolingbrook

Various sources say that Wikileaks will be releasing several thousand documents pertaining to Bolingbrook.

According to one of the sources within Wikileaks, the documents offer an unprecedented insight into Bolingbrook’s political scene.

“Sure we usually tackle national governments.” Said the source. “But this stuff is too good not to leak! It’ll be a good warm up to our Chicago release!”

Sources say the documents include thousands of e-mails, letters, and memos, all of which have never been publicly released. Most of the advanced documents given to The Babbler are about mundane items, like repairing the monitors in the board room. There were a few items of interests.

In an alleged e-mail between Mayor Roger Claar and official at Orange Crush LLC, Claar asks, “Why does Bolingbrook need a contract to serve your soda? If you’re just trying to be the official soda of my bar, well, then I should let you know that Coca-Cola currently leads the bidding!” A later e-mail explains that Orange Crush LLC is an asphalt company, and not related to the soda.

The leaks also included an e-mail between staff members of The Brook Report.

The first staffer wrote, “George Smith didn’t donate $10,000 to Bonnie’s campaign. We need to make a correction.”

The second staff member replied, “Your wrong! I’ve seen $10 written as $10,000 somewhere. The Residents won’t care. Their not interested in what the Topix person have to say.”

The documents also detail contacts between Bolingbrook officials and atheist groups. One of the documents includes an alleged letter between DuPage Township Supervisor Bill Mayer and an unnamed atheist.

“We will be happy to accept your food donations.” Wrote Mayer. “However, we cannot distribute Atheist Barbie with each donation of your food item. Once we receive your donations, they are mixed with our common stocks. So we cannot track your donations after that point. I would suggest donating your dolls to a local toy drive. If you do that, FOR GOD’S SAKE, GIVE HER SOME PANTS!”

Another alleged letter claims to be between Claar and an official from Polaris Financial Planning.

“While I appreciate your $400 million offer,” wrote Claar, “I will not change our water towers to include the slogan: “Village of Bolingbrook: We’re bowling over god!”

When asked for an official comment, Wikileaks said they required a cash donation in unmarked bills to pay for their e-mail expenses.

Phil Ferguson, head of Polaris and blogger at Skeptic Money, replied, “How much do I have to pay you to shut down your rag?”

When The Babbler tried to reach Claar, his receptionist said he could not be disturbed. In the background, a man who sounded like Claar yelled, “OK, you want to negotiate, we’ll negotiate! If you use your top commandos to bring Julian Assange to me, and you let me first prosecute him under the Bolingbrook Embarrassing Documents Ordinance, I will consider passing a Barack Obama Hour proclamation, and maybe I’ll shave off a couple dollars when I donate to your Republican opponent!”

Also in The Babbler:

Aluminum pole shortage blamed on Festivus
Claar grant Santa permission to enter Bolingbrook homes
Rev. Meeks: I will not ban white cats!
God to Smite Bolingbrook on 12/23/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Web Exclusive: Men in Blue pull @healthyaddict video from YouTube

Is this a UFO following Ashley Paramore?
By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Men in Blue pulled a video by YouTube producer @healthyaddict about Clow UFO Base, fifteen minutes after she posted it.

Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs said that @healthyaddict, also know as Ashely Paramore, a director at the Secular Student Alliance, tried to video tape aliens at Clow UFO Base.

“We know she meant no harm.” Said spokesperson Robert L. Amerberson. “But that doesn’t excuse the fact that she uploaded the video. Now if she had released the video through The Babbler, we would have let it slide. No one believes The Babbler. But her YouTube channel is very credible and has more followers than The Babbler’s. Which says a lot about an atheist channel. Anyway, we couldn’t take the chance.”

Based on eyewitness accounts of the video, and expert analysis of her previous videos, this reporter was able reconstruct her Clow video.

The video starts off with Paramore driving in her car and wearing earphones. She says she’s in Bolingbrook and on her way to Clow Airport.

“They say that the airport is really a UFO base” Said Paramore. “What makes it unusual is that skeptics are allowed to visit the base. I guess we’re part of the ‘coverup’ of UFOs. So, YouTube, let’s see if they’ll let me film the aliens!”

The video then jumps to her arrival at Clow. Which is then followed by various shots of her trying to find aliens at Clow.

“There are no aliens by the flag polls.”

“There’s no secret door to the base behind this snow bank.”

“I’m not allowed to cross this line. I wonder if there are aliens in there.”

“That doesn’t look like a UFO to me.”

“That guy is giving me funny looks. I wonder if he’s an alien. He doesn’t look like one.”

“Is that an airplane, or is it an airplane filled with aliens?”

Finally, a scene starts inside Illinois Aviation Museum. After focusing on an airplane for a few seconds, Paramore raises her head into the shot and smiles.

“Nope. No aliens here either.”

Some people who saw the video claim that she actually did film aliens and alien space craft.

“If you look carefully at a couple frames at the beginning of her video, you see what appears to be a black speck.” Said YouTuber Bolingbrookalien. “I’m sure it’s really a Martian warship that de-cloaked for 1/16th of a second.”

Professor Monica K. Ward AB PhD, thinks Paramore filmed a couple Reptoids. “To the unaided eye, the anomalies look like unfocused pixellated people in the distance, but I know they’re really Reptoids trying to maintain their form. She should be more observant.”

Later in the video, Paramore approaches a guard and tries to say the password to get her into the base.

“I’m feeling very skeptical about this place.”

“Do you ever feel Randi working around here?”

“I want to Grothe my view of aviation?”

“Do I have to Wagg something to get into the special section?”

After a few more attempts, she tells the guard to wait. The video then cuts to her walking back to the guard.

“I’m trying to find the--” She holds up a fist full of necklaces. “Surly room! I think one of these is the key to the room. Can you help me?”

The video then cuts back to her driving in her car.

“Well I didn’t see any aliens, and the guard told me to leave or he was going to turn me over to the TSA. I wanted to see the aliens, but I guess I’m not important enough to be let in. YouTube, maybe Jeff Wagg is right. Maybe there is more to being skeptical than simply not believing in God.”

The final scene is her pulled by the side of the road. Flashing lights can be seen from her rear window.

“I just got pulled over and a man in a blue suit is approaching me.” Said Paramore. “I think I’m going to upload my video before its too late.” The video ends seconds later.

Amberson denied that Paramore was harmed or had her memory altered.

“We simply explained that not everyone who claims to be a skeptic will be allowed into Clow. You have to be sponsored by a major Skeptic group, like The James Randi Educational Foundation or CSI.”

When asked if this was unfair towards younger skeptics, Amberson disagreed.

“We’ve been trying to get Jennifer McCreight to speak here for years. She wants us to pay for her graduate education. Maybe after people have forgotten about Boobquake, we can talk down her speaker fee.”

Amberson said that his department explained to Paramore that she could help skepticism by promoting a certain Bolingbrook institution.

“A strong Bolingbrook will lead to a strong skeptical movement!”

This reporter finally located Paramore, who was hanging out in a bridal suite at The Bolingbrook Golf Club.

“Hey YouTube! Here’s the reporter from The Babbler I was telling you about.” Said Paramore as she greeted the reporter and filmed with her iPhone.

She added that it was good to talk to “a real person,” because some people were writing mean comments on her channel.

Paramore denied trying to find aliens at Clow, and insisted that she was in Bolingbrook only to visit the Golf Club.

“Someone mailed me a VIP coupon and told me to ‘do my thing.’ So I figured that I would stop by here on my break and invite Hemant and his friends.” She added, “This place is so big and so empty. We’re going to have the sports bar and the hot tub all to ourselves. It’s going to be awesome!”

After being asked several questions about UFOs and religion, Paramore then looked into her iPhone and said, “This is a weird interview, YouTube. Do you want to see more?” She pointed to the ground. “Leave a comment down here, or send me a video!”

Paramore then praised the club’s staff.

“They’re so cool. Whenever I flash my coupon, they'll do almost anything for me. They make me feel like a high roller. Just now I asked them to retrieve my luggage, which is stuck in Minneapolis. They said no problem.”

A few seconds later, several staff members entered the suite with a large crate.

“Mayor Roger Claar wants you to know that the Illinois Air National Guard will have your here in about two hours.” Said a staff member. “We’re sorry we could not get your luggage to you sooner, and we hope this will help you pass the time.”

The staff then opened the crate, revealing an arcade machine. As they plugged it in, Paramore gasped and walked toward the machine.

“Oh YouTube!” She exclaimed. “It’s a vintage Dance Dance Revolution arcade machine.” She moved closer to the game. “And it has unlimited credits!”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Web Exclusive: The $5 challenge gets animated.

By Dale Onofrey

The SGU still hasn't responded to our $5 Challenge to them.  So now we're forced to use the power of Xtranormal to make our point! 

If you don't want to see any more of these videos, ask the SGU to debunk any of our stories!  It's that's simple.  Oh, and Anti-psychic Kitty can't stop us with his logic lesson!

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

The Readers Speak Out: 12/12/10

Reader’s Editor Doug Fields here. It’s been awhile, but we have a few letters worthy of being published.

The first one is a surprise letter from a trustee candidate:

To The Babbler:

I wanted to say thank you for publicizing Bolingbrook.  It is hard work to run a web site for so long.  I appreciate your articles and my husband and I chuckle all the time about it.  My favorite was the girl with the basketball! :)

Bonnie Alicea
Bolingbrook, IL

Thank you Bonnie, but this doesn’t mean we’ll stop keeping an eye on Mayor Roger Claar, you and every politician in Bolingbrook.

Which bring up this string of letters we received this week. This first one starts out like this:

To The Babbler:

I was minding my business when a man in a black suit walked up to me. He told me not to vote for Bonnie. I think he was working for the mob. So I’m voting for Bonnie.

Name withheld
Bolingbrook, IL

Then there’s this letter:

To The Babbler:

I read your letter in last week’s Babbler about a man in suit telling people not to vote for Bonnie. I’m going to vote for Bonnie too.!

Name withheld
Bolingbrook, IL

Then there's this letter:

To The Babbler:

I live in Missouri, but after reading the last two letters you published, I am mad. I am going to move to Bolingbrook just to vote for Bonnie.

Name withheld
Arnold, MO

You almost had us, except for the fact that all three letters were sent in the same package with a Bolingbrook postmark. Plus it doesn’t help that all three people have the same signature. It is much harder to pull off a sock puppet in real life than it is on the Internet.

Mr. Sock Puppet, you aren’t helping Bonnie, and you aren’t promoting good public discourse either. If you must use sock puppets, go post on Topix.

Finally, we get this warning from a local reader:

To The Babbler:



Paul X. Stagner
Bolingbrook, IL

Um, I could celebrate and use more Google products?

Also in The Babbler:

Lisle issues new snow snake warnings
Bolingbrook braces for Minnesota snow refugees
Brookfield Zoo asks for Yeti.
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/17/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Anti-psychic Kitty speaks: Animated Straw Men

Note: Due to a legal settlement with the James Randi Educational Foundation, we are required to give occasional column space to Anti-psychic Kitty, the most skeptical creature on Earth. The views expressed in this column do not reflect the views of The Babbler.

Most of you know my human caretaker, Babbler columnist Dale Onofrey, from his YouTube videos. Recently, he’s been obsessed with The Babbler’s $5 Challenge to The Skeptics Guide to the Universe. Now Dale is working on an animated video using Xtranormal.

I’ll let the SGU handle this specific video. I want to talk about these types of videos. Thanks to Xtranormal, you don’t have to film your opponent making an argument. You can just write the script, and have an animated character represent your opponent. As this video shows.

In this video, the producer gave the meat eater the weaker arguments. Implying that there is no rational response to the anti-Thanksgiving arguments. This type of argument is called a straw man argument. Its like creating a dummy stuffed with straw, setting it on fire, and pretending that you defeated your opponent.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Bolingbrook group blames Mayor Claar for Comcast outage

Did Mayor Roger Claar cause Comcast customers to lose internet access for several hours? The group, The Residents for Bolingbrook, says yes.

In a press release sent to The Babbler, the group claims that it is no coincidence that Comcast went down this weekend.

“Roger knew that The Brook Report receives thousands of hits a day!” Said the release. “The Brook Report says that’s more than any other paper in Bolingbrook. Since The Brook Report is reporting the truth, we know Roger doesn’t like that. He can’t intimidate The Brook Report, so we think it’s likely that he used his influence to shutdown Comcast! At a time when we desperately need to spread the truth about Roger Claar, Comcast failed us!”

A source at Comcast claims that Sunday’s connection problems were due to issues with their DNS server. While technically customers were connected to the Internet, they couldn’t go to any sites or pages. Customers either waited for Comcast to restore service, or used an alternative DNS server.

“It got so bad that we just had to turn off the phones and use a recorded message.” Said the Comcast source. “Personally, I think we should just stick with recorded messages. It will greatly improve our reputation for customer service.”

When asked to comment, Claar replied, “I didn’t even know the internet was down yesterday! I rarely use the Internet at home. Even then it’s for legitimate purposes! Why don’t you blame the space aliens for this?”

A source at Clow UFO base said they are conducting an investigation, but doubt that aliens were involved.

When asked to comment, someone at The Brook Report apparently said they were conducting their own investigation, and suspected Mafia involvement, “In this and other crimes against Bonnie.” The source said they were working with the FBI, CIA, and “Inter Poll” to uncover “Roger’s international corruption!”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Valley View rejects teaching 'Reptoid Theory' of Santa Claus

Is Santa an alien?
Valley View 365U will not be the first school district in the world to teach an alternative theory of Santa Claus.

"It's bad enough that we have to deal with Rhonda and her site!" Said School Board President Steven Quigley, according to sources. "I will not let anyone turn our schools into a laughing stock!"

According to various sources, the board met in secret with the president of the Bolingbrook Alien Education Society, Paul X. Ferguson. Ferguson, said the sources, asked the board to give "equal" time to alternative theories of Santa Claus. When Mike Evans asked this meant teaching students about Hanukkah, he shook his head.

"We're teaching students a fairy tale about Santa Claus when there is perfectly rational explanation." Said Ferguson. As the board members jaws dropped, Ferguson unveiled his "scientific theory."

"Every December, The Reptoids give thanks to the human race by sending a fleet of space ships, disguised as flying sleighs, to deliver gifts to the families of the 'developed nations.' They then teleport into each home, and shape shift to look like Santa Claus. This is how they thank us for not drilling into the center of the Earth."

Ferguson said his theory resolves many problems of that the current "theory" of Santa Claus has. His theory explains why Santa in be in several homes simultaneously. It also explains how he is able to transport the millions of pounds of toys. The theory also doesn't require reindeer to fly at supersonic speed.

After explaining the theory, the board sat in stunned silence. Finally, Mrs. Liz Campbell asked why he was inspired to come up with this theory.

"Richard Dawkins said that we shouldn't teach our children fairy tales, but science fiction instead. Now, I don't consider my theory science fiction, but it does give our district the chance to offer an alternative to parents who want their kids to only be exposed to science."

Campbell, according to the sources, paused, and then said, "That settles if for me. I'm voting no!"

Quigley asked if the theory had been peer reviewed. When Ferguson said no, Quigley explained, "We may have our issues, but we always try to teach peer reviewed scientific theories. The traditional theory of Santa Claus has been reviewed by millions of parents. I see no need to go against centuries of tradition at this time. If Nature accepts your paper, let us know."

The board then voted unanimously against teaching Ferguson's theory.

When reached for comment, Ferguson denied meeting with the school board, but says his theory has been peer-reviewed.

"My friends like the theory, and they're my peers." Said Ferguson. "I hope to get it published by MUFON. After all, Hollow Earth Theory makes more sense than an immortal old man living in hut at the North Pole!"

When asked to comment Quigley said, "There is a Hell. It's Rhonda asking questions in my left ear, and an issue of The Babbler stapled to my eyes!"

Also in The Babbler:

Anti-vax parent: I'd rather have a dead kid than an autistic one!
Aliens testing cloaked ballons over Lisle
Snow snakes responsible for Bolingbrook blackout
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/10/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.