Sunday, November 7, 2010

Richard Saunders crushed at Clow UFO Base

Richard Saunders photographed at Clow UFO Base
By Reporter X

Richard Saunders, co-host of The Skeptic Zone, was released from Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base after his failed attempt to lift a UFO crushed 99% of his bones.

“It was horrible!” Said DocRak, an eyewitness from the Andromeda Confederation. One moment he was bracing himself under a scout craft, and asking for the clamps to be released. The next the craft was on the ground, and I couldn’t see Richard!”

Rescue crews managed lift the UFO off of Saunders crushed body, and started emergency body reconstruction. After a few minutes, Saunders was able to reply, “Except for the fact that I can't feel anything, I think I'm doing OK.”

Saunders was then taken to Clow’s medical facility and released after a few hours. Sources told The Babbler that Saunders’s loves his new body, and asked when this medical technology would be made available to the rest of the world.

“He fully appreciated that under human medicine, he would be dead, and we would be mailing his remains in an envelope.” Said a source. “Here, we were able to fix him, and now he can go back to convincing Australians that UFOs aren’t real.”

Saunders was at Clow to explain to the ambassador of the Martian Colonies that Power Balance Bands don’t use illegally obtained Martian technology. Saunders’s explained that Earth’s holographic bands have no special powers and rely on the placebo effect. Though the Martians have advanced holographic technology, even their devices can’t duplicate the claims Earth manufacturers make.

As the skeptical ambassador watched, Saunders demonstrated the tricks used by some sellers of holographic bands and pendents.

“It was amazing.” Said QiDo, an observer. “It looked like he was giving his male friend extra balance, and super strength. Then he explained how it was done. Even we, who travel the stars, can be fooled.”

For the ultimate demonstration, Saunders asked if he could borrow the ambassador’s craft. Wearing a Power Balance Band, he was unable to push the craft and it’s mobile landing clamps. Saunders then asked that his assistant turn on a Higgs Boson inhibitor and point it at the craft. Higgs Boson inhibitors are used to reduce the mass of spacecrafts, thus allowing them to fly near the speed of light before activating their warp drives. Sources said that Saunders thought the device would reduce the weight of the craft, allowing him to lift the craft.

Instead, the craft’s weight was unchanged, and Saunders was crushed under several thousand tons of alien steel.

Investigators believe the inhibitor was sabotaged. Though they have no suspects, sources close to the investigation suspect someone from the Martian Colonies.

“Some colonists are looking for an excuse to start a war with Earth. They see these holographic bands as an excuse to start such a war. Richard’s demonstration could have derailed their plans. So it’s natural to assume that they tried to have him ‘accidentally’ killed.”

According to several eyewitnesses, after Saunders’s was released, he told Clow officials that he now fully understood the importance of his efforts to rid the world of holographic bands.

“I have to save the world!”

When finally reached for comment, Saunders laughed and denied ever visiting Bolingbrook.

“If you have evidence for your claims, then James Randi Educational Foundation and The Australian Skeptics have prizes for you.” Said Saunders. “Anyone can use the money, right?”

When asked if he would take The Babbler’s $5 Dollar Challenge, Saunders explained, “It’s almost impossible to prove a negative. That’s probably why The Skeptics Guide to The Universe won’t accept your challenge. You have to make a positive claim and then present evidence for that claim. I’m sorry but the burden of proof is on your tabloid. Wait! Who are you and why are you sitting next to my friend?”

A women in the background replied, “That’s my husband, and he’s been with me the entire time!”

“Wow!” Replied Saunders. “This is a real life example of the gorilla video!

Also in The Babbler:

Babbler starts Mayors of Bolingbrook series
Bolingbrook for Tea calls for end to Bolingbrook’s ‘socialized fire department’
Number Crunchers finally write about The Babbler
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/11/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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