Sunday, November 7, 2010

The Mayors of Bolingbrook: Jack Leonard (1965)

For our Mayors of Bolingbrook special report, we’re starting with Jack Leonard, Bolingbrook’s first village president, as mayors were called back then. Leonard was instrumental in persuading the Trilateral Commission to found Bolingbrook as a cover for Clow UFO Base. Not only was he the first police chief, he also was the first temporal monitor, weredeer control officer, and alien greeter. Historians to this day do not know how he managed to get any sleep.


This interview occurred on the evening of Bolingbrook’s founding in 1965. Which was also the day the first issue of The Babbler came out. It is was conducted by John Olson, our first publisher.

Village President denies being a Soviet patsy!

Publisher escapes arrest and certain brainwashing!

Publisher John Olson crashed the village trustee’s celebration of Colonial Estates’ loss of freedom under the newly formed “village” of Bolingbrook. We have the exclusive transcript!

Olson: I have a question Village President Jack.

Leonard: Who are you?

Olson: I am the publisher of The Bolingbrook Babbler, which my junior reporter his handing out.

Trustee: How can we have a second newspaper? The voters only just approved incorporation.

Olson: Whenever an oppressive liberal government forms, the press rises up to oppose it.

Leonard: We haven’t even had a meeting yet.

Trustee: And what kind of name is The Babbler anyway?

Olson: As in a babbling brook! What kind of name is Bolingbrook anyway?



Trustee: It comes from Shakespeare--

Leonard: Now you said you had a question. What is it?

Olson: Knowing that on any given night, up to three communist satellites, and given that their are Beatniks and other unsavory elements just outside of our newly imposed border, and given that forcing the residents into a collective village is almost the same as collectivism which is practiced by--

Leonard: Do you have a question?

Olson: Are you going petition Will County to invalidate this election because of interference from Soviet mind control satellites?

Trustee: Wait a minute! According to this article, God is going to smite Bolingbrook this week. Why are you working on next week’s issue?

Olson: We think that enough residents will say the prayer in the article and save Bolingbrook.

Leonard: I think you need to get more fresh air. The mold in your basement is affecting your brain.

Olson: Very funny. So I will ask another question.

Leonard: This should be good.

Olson: When will you tell the truth about Clow?

Leonard: The truth?

Olson: The truth that Bolingbrook is really a cover for the largest urban UFO base in the World!

(Silence)

Olson: And we’re going to keep covering Clow and all the other supernatural events in Bolingbrook!

Leonard: Honey, get the jail ready!

Wife: It’s full!

Leonard: Already?

Wife: People are getting drunk celebrating the new village.

Leonard: Mister, if it were up to me, I would lock you up tonight. But tonight, in the spirit of unity, I’m just going to ask you to leave. Instead of attacking the village, you should be following the example of a young man from out of town. He said that he wanted to be pioneer, and start a new life in Bolingbrook. I said, ‘Young man, if you really want to help Bolingbrook we’ll need leaders. Leaders need PhDs! If you want to get away from your family, go to an out of state university.  Take your time. Because Bolingbrook will be waiting for you.’ Someday, he will be a great asset for Bolingbrook. You should work to be a great asset to this village right now.

Olson: Oh don’t worry! You may be part of an alien/communist plot, but we will be working together!

Leonard: Why’s that?

Olson: Because I run the only newspaper in Bolingbrook. That means I own the paper of record!

Trustee: What about The Beacon?

Olson: The Beacon? The Beacon is just Joe Kovach’s oversized newsletter and it cover other communities. The Babbler, on the other hand, exclusively covers Bolingbrook, and it looks better than The Beacon! We are the first true tabloid in Bolingbrook. You have to make us the paper of record

Trustee:He has a point!

Leonard: GET OUT!

Thus, John Olson became the first Bolingbrook resident to disrupt a Board of Trustee meeting.

Tomorrow: Robert Schanks unleashes the ultimate weapon in the fight to maintain law and order in Bolingbrook!

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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