Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Bolingbrook officials celebrate defeat of Denver Ordinance 300

This image wasn't enough to convince Denver to build their own UFO Base
By Reporter X

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar not only celebrated the Republican's landslide victory yesterday, he also celebrated the defeat of Denver's UFO ordinance.

"Everyone knows you don't fund a UFO base with public funds!" Exclaimed Claar at the Extraterrestrial Republican Association victory party, held at Clow. "You use covert funds, and you damn well don't tell the entire city about your plans!"

The ordinance, if passed, would have created a commission specifically tasked with gathering evidence for alien visitations, and to decide if Denver should try to initiate contact with them. Supporters claim that the US government is covering up evidence of extraterrestrial visits and felt that the commission could expose the truth.

Jeff Peckman, the man behind the initiative, is quoted in Opposing Views as saying that Denver needed a plan to deal with alien visitations.

"Up until now, it was just: Let's send John Elway out to meet 'em." He was quoted in Opposing Views.

He has cited a video of alien peeping tom and the celebrity UFO sightings as proof of alien visitation. Some have suggested that a skeptic group's reenactment of his alien video is proof of a cover-up.

"There's a reason aliens don't want to be revealed to the public." Said Don X. Caulfield of The Bolingbrook Office of Extraterrestrial Affairs. "Until the human race fully embraces science and discards irrationalism, they want their presence here to be a secret. Not only does this project waste thousands of dollars of legitimate taxpayer dollars, it endangers lives of all Denver residents. Good thing it was voted down."

Claar also denied that he opposed Ordinance 300 because it could have resulted in the construction of a UFO base larger than Clow.

"We have a quality facility in Bolingbrook, which not only has the most space of all Urban UFO bases, but offers the best amenities of any base in the world. Clow is the Bolingbrook Golf Club of UFO bases and it will take more than size to top our quality service. Besides, we can always add on to it if someone tries to build a bigger base."

Caulfield says that the big winner in the Initiative campaign is skeptic Karen Stollznow. He credits her Naked Skeptic column for singlehandedly turning Denver residents against the proposal.

"She's made the move from columnist, Linguistics PhD holder, host of two podcasts, monster investigator, and Skepchick to political pundit! If she keeps up the good work, the powers that be could turn her into the next Dr. Rachel Maddow or the next Dr. Laura!"

When this reporter left a message for Stollznow, she called back at 2 AM and replied, "Let see how you like being called afterhours! Why do the purveyor of woo think it is OK to call me at any time of the night?"

Peckman couldn't be reached for comment, though a person at the election party said, "If people can be convinced that Obama is a godless socialist Muslim, we can eventually convince Denver of the importance of being ready for alien visitations!"

Also in The Babbler's Election Edition:

Alien corporations want 'return on investment' from Republicans
Sources: Democrats flood suicide hotlines
Tea Party to Babbler: Don't make fun of are spelling!
Oberweis: I should have run for something!

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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