Sunday, November 28, 2010

Skeptoid to take on The Bolingbrook Babbler

Brian Dunning
The almost popular skeptical podcast, Skeptoid, will be taking on The Bolingbrook Babbler.

According a leaked script, host Brian Dunning will be taking a “skeptical” look at our stories.

“UFO Bases in Chicago? A swamp monster in the suburbs? Men in Blue? These are the so-called unbelievable truths uncovered by The Bolingbrook Babbler. But are they true? Let’s take a closer look.”

In the script, Dunning attacks almost every major story uncovered by The Babbler. He takes special aim at Clow UFO base.

“Bolingbrook is supposed to be the home of the world’s largest urban UFO base. You would expect to see an above average number of UFO sightings in the area, yet a brief survey of the UFO literature shows very few references to Bolingbrook. Now which is more likely? That UFO groups, like MUFON, are involved in the cover up, or Clow UFO Base is so unbelievable, that’s it's just not true?”

Dawn X Weagle, who claims to work for MUFON, denies that the group is involved in a cover up.

“If you guys would take the time to fill out the online form, we would be happy to put your sightings on file.”

Later in the script, Dunning lists stories that he says The Babbler should be focusing on.

“The Babbler should be focusing on more important issues like Bolingbrook’s 11.75 percent sales tax rate, the drive by shooting by their high school, politicians who use taxpayer dollars to get drunk, illegal public nuisance laws, a public luxury golf club, and the combined effort of Mayor Roger Claar,, and the mob to drive a simple housewife with a PhD ABD out of town!”

The source who leaked this script to The Babbler confessed that mainly used The Brook Report as his primary source for information about Bolingbrook.

“Brian was on a tight deadline, and we had podcasts to produce.” Said the source. “So I mainly used Junk Science for my DDT script, and The Brook Report for The Babbler podcast. Hey, we also needed to get ready for our debate with Rebecca Watson. Did I say debate? I meant joint appearance!”

When pressed, the source confessed that it might have been better to use more sources for his scripts. “Brian has really taken a hit on the DDT podcast. Bug Girl, Deltoid, and even Orac are slamming him hard. Brian is kind of embarrassed by the whole thing. He shouldn’t be. We’re humans. We heard something we liked, and we made the mistake of not looking at it closer. I think he should just come clean.”

Instead, the source admitted that he may no longer be working with Dunning, and doesn’t know when or if The Babbler podcast will run.

When The Babbler reached Dunning, who was in Australia for TAM OZ, he hung up the phone three times. On the fourth call, Dunning denied knowing the source, or planning a podcast about The Babbler. He also defended his DDT podcast.

“You can challenge my facts, but you can’t challenge my opinion!” Exclaimed Dunning. “We should be using DDT in Africa!”

“You shouldn’t be giving interviews when you’re suffering from jet lag.” Came a woman’s voice.

Dunning ignored the woman.

When asked if the reason Bug Girl opposes DDT usage because she’s really an insect hybrid, Dunning replied, “Tell Bug Girl, I’m not some pheromone susceptible male that she can simply lure into her web and devour. I’m Brian Dunning, the host of Skeptoid!”

Bug Girl could not be reached for comment.

Also in The Babbler:

Anti-vax forces plan assault on aspirin
Weredogs to protest McNabb visit
Bonnie denies plans to nail self to cross
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/3/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Web Exclusive: Former mayor tries to adopt elephant ghost

Romeo's ghost haunts Lake Lawn in Wisconsin.
Former mayor Ed Rosenthal tried to adopt an elephant ghost while visiting Delavan, WI.

“I was staying at Lake Lawn Resort when noticed this giant translucent elephant outside.” Said Rosenthal. “The poor thing looked so said, and probably needed a home since Lake Lawn is closing.”

According to local sources, Rosenthal saw the ghost of Romeo, a killer elephant that used to live in Delavan. Romeo, a circus elephant, lived in the 1800s, and stayed in Delavan during the winter. During his career, he killed five people, but was never put down because, according to one source, he was sad over the death of his mate, Juliet.

“I didn’t care about his life.” Said Rosenthal. “He’s a ghost now. He can’t harm anyone. I’d like to have him around to keep my dog company, and scare off any burglars. It’s not like he needs lots of space.”

A source connect to the Delavan tourism department said Rosenthal’s request was denied.

“Our statue of Romeo is a popular tourist attraction.” Said the source. “One of the reasons its so popular is because Romeo will appear at night. Sure he usually looks like a blob in a digital photo, but still, people want to see his blob!”

When informed of Rosenthal’s interest in adopting Romeo, a spokesperson for the Bonnie Alicea Kurowski for Trustee campaign responded by saying, “Bonnie will make an exception to my, er her, promise not to pass public nuisance laws if it means protecting Bolingbrook from killer ghosts!”

Wisconsin officials urge caution to anyone attempting to adopt a ghost, and to consult paranormal experts before trying to move one across state lines.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving from The Bolingbrook Babbler

Happy Thanksgiving and thank you for supporting The Babbler!

Dale Onofrey, our "Web Sites to Avoid" columnist, delivers our Thanksgiving YouTube message and asks some very interesting questions.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Skeptic Jeff Wagg seeks asylum at Clow UFO Base

By Reporter X

Skeptical activist Jeff Wagg sought asylum at Clow UFO Base after writing a blog post critical of Skepticon 3.

According to a security guard, “I was just eating my lunch when this bearded man ran up to the gate. He screamed, ‘The Treaty of Bolingbrook specifically states that any current or former employee of the James Randi Educational Foundation can seek asylum at this UFO base.’ He showed me his JREF Fellow card, and I pointed him to the hidden door.”

Another employee, who asked not to be identified, said that the Men In Blue escorted Wagg into highly secured area.

“He kept asking them if the base could withstand a siege from Talking Minnesota Land Squids. They didn’t say anything, but if we can hold off a Martian attack for 30 seconds, we can deal with those squids.”

Sources believe Wagg sought asylum at Clow following a strong negative reaction to a post on Indie Skeptics titled “Are Atheists Delusional? Thoughts on Skepticon3.” Wagg, the organizer of the first eight Amazing Meetings in Las Vegas, posted that he felt Skepticon was a mislabeled atheist convention, and disagreed with organizer JT’s assertion that, “skepticism leads directly to some brand of atheism/metaphysical naturalism.”

“Skepticism is about drawing conclusions that are proportioned to the available evidence. That’s it. And I think keeping the two things separate if vitally important.” Wrote Wagg.

Experts who spoke to The Babbler were stunned by swiftness of the backlash. Within hours, blogs such as The Friendly Atheist, Pharyngula, and Blag Hag attacked Wagg.

“This is concerns us.” Said GilGack, an overseer for the Interstellar Alliance for the Advancement of Science. “Skepticism is a method of thinking, not a set of beliefs. We will not let Earth into the greater interstellar community until skepticism is embraced by the majority of Earth’s population. This controversy could derail our efforts.”

GilGack would not say what would happen if humanity failed to embrace skepticism, but ruled out destroying the entire Earth.

“There is no need to destroy a perfectly good planet when you can just rearrange the surface.”

GilGack hopes that a blog counteroffensive, lead by Barbara Drescher and Kylie Sturgess will calm the skeptical movement down.

When asked to comment, a spokesperson for Kylie Sturgess replied, “Kylie cannot conduct an interview at this time because she is writing an e-mail to Jennifer McCreight explaining the flaws in her argument that kittens are cute.  True they are cute, but Jennifer's argument is still lacking!”

When reached at Skepticon, PZ Myers, told this reporter, “Who cares about Jeff? I just beat Rebecca Watson in a drinking contest!”

When this reporter called Wagg’s home, a woman replied, “Let me get him. Jeff! Why are you covering yourself in newspapers?”

“Urban camouflage!” Replied Jeff.

Also in The Babbler:

New World Order shuts down South Elgin UFO base
Ghosts can’t stop Wrigley Field football game
Source: Bonnie wants to shut down Clow UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/26/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, November 15, 2010

The Mayors of Bolingbrook: Roger Claar (1986)

In 1986, two years after President Ronald Reagan visited Clow UFO Base, Bolingbrook was in crisis. The New World Order forced Mayor Bob Bailey to resign. Old Chicago, once a source of pride for Bolingbrook, is finally torn down. Hair Metal bands are poisoning the minds of our children’s minds. Some fear that Clow could be closed and moved to Chicago.

In this crisis, The NWO appoints former village trustee Roger C. Claar as mayor.  In 1979, he was appointed trustee, and brought peace to a divided village board.  After an unsuccessful campaign for mayor, he was appointed administrator of The Men in Blue.  The NWO felt that Claar could restore order in Bolingbrook.

Claar did more than restore order of Bolingbrook. He became the longest serving mayor in Bolingbrook’s history, and it’s most controversial. Supporters say he spurred Bolingbrook’s commercial and industrial growth, and is responsible for the village growing to over 70,000 residents. Critics say he runs Bolingbrook like a political machine, and uses his campaign fund to live a lavish lifestyle.

When The Babbler first interviewed Mayor Roger Claar, he had recently been appointed mayor. Unlike the other mayors, he seemed to welcome the opportunity to talk to our reporter.

Mayor Roger Claar reveals his crazy vision for Bolingbrook!

Reporter:  Thank you for your time.  We usually have to wait months before a mayor will grant us an interview.

Claar:  Don't get too big a head.  I agreed to this interview because I know that not all of your readers are insane.  I'm using you to reach out to The Babbler's sane readers.

Reporter:  OK, I guess.  So, first question.  How does it feel to be the mayor?

Claar:  Right now it's kind of hectic, but it feels good.  It's like my whole life has been building up to this moment where I can take chaos, and create order.   No, I have a better example.  It's like I have a new baby, and I can once again forge her path.  (Phone rings)  Excuse me.  Hello?  Yes, it will be a lot of work.  Oh, thank you for your generous offer, but I can't talk about campaign donations now.  I'm in my office.  I'm sure my campaign manager will organize a fundraiser soon.

Reporter:  People are donating to your campaign fund already?

Claar:  Sure.  I've been getting a lot of donations lately.

Reporter:  Are they trying-

Claar:  They aren't trying anything!  You see, a donation to my campaign is the voters' way of saying that I'm doing a good job during the off years.  The better the job I do, the more my campaign fund will grow.  Now I have quite a challenge before me, but I know the voters have confidence in me.  In fact, I could have several thousand dollars in my campaign fund by the end of the year.

Reporter:  Thousands of dollars?  Why do you need thousands of dollars to campaign in Bolingbrook?

Claar:  Would you turn down a million dollar campaign fund?

Reporter:  No.

Claar:  That's settled.  Next question.

Reporter:  Um.  Some people say that we should reduce the population of Bolingbrook because of the risk to Clow UFO base's cover.  How do you respond?

Claar: (chuckles)  I'll play along.  The previous mayors have secretly tried to limit development around Clow.  I think that's the wrong approach.  First, alien cloaking technology is more advanced today than it was back in the 1960s.  Second, I say that the more people Bolingbrook has, the easier it will be to hide the UFO base.  In fact, I support commercial development around Clow.

Reporter:  Businesses next to a UFO base?  Are you crazy?

Claar: (Smiles)  Coming from The Babbler, that's a compliment.  No, it won't happen right away, but think about all the supplies that a UFO base needs.  Now try to justify delivering all of those supplies to a small, rural suburb.  Like a tanker truck for example.  Before, you had to ask why a tanker is in the middle of nowhere.  With more development, we can say, "Oh that truck is here to fuel the new gas stations."

Reporter:  I see.

Claar:  Or think about all the people required to staff a UFO base.  Why would all those people be in Bolingbrook.  Once I get my way, we can say, "Oh, they're here to shop."  "They live here."  "They work in the brand new factories."  Do you understand?

Reporter:  I see.

Claar:  In fact, I'm going to go up to developers and say, "See this previous development?  This is the most expensive home.  I want you to development a subdivision, and that's the starting price."

Reporter:  Why?

Claar:  So people can move up in status and still live in Bolingbrook!  In fact, I want people to do more than live in Bolingbrook, I want them to shop in Bolingbrook.  Chicago and Naperville have been taking too many of our sale tax dollars. We need to keep those dollars in Bolingbrook.

Reporter: How?

Claar: I going to support the building of malls. We’ll start with strip malls, and then someday, I imagine that Bolingbrook will be the home of a large outdoor mall. It will be so magnificent that people from Naperville will want to shop there.

Reporter: Wait a minute! Bolingbrook couldn’t support an indoor mall. How could we support an outdoor mall. Especially one without an amusement park.

Claar: Because it will have anchor stores that people will actually want to shop at! (Phone rings) Excuse me. Hello? Yes! I’m doing fine. What’s that? Sorry, I can’t talk about donations. I’m working, and you do business with the Village. What? Hmm. I guess it would mean I’d have to be tougher on you, and thus you would do a better job for the village. That’s an interesting argument. I’ll have to discuss it with my lawyers. But not right now.

Reporter: Did I hear--

Claar: Everything I do will be double check by lawyers and then double checked again! I won’t do anything illegal!

Reporter: But how will that look to the residents of Bolingbrook.

Claar: Would you want to talk to lawyers every time someone gave you a gift?

Reporter: No.

Claar: Well that’s what I’m going to do!

Reporter: But that sounds c--

Claar: Don’t say that C word!

(Knock on the door. Claar answers the door.)

Man holding briefcase: Hello your honor! (Opens the briefcase) Alexander Hamilton and I want to talk to you about building a luxury housing development and a first class golf club in Bolingbrook.

(Claar turns red)

Claar: Aaron Burr and I want you to get the (expletive deleted) out of my office!

(Man runs away with the money. Claar walks into the bathroom and then comes out several minutes later.)

Claar: Ed sure has good taste in wallpaper.

Reporter: And missile defense systems.

Claar (chuckles): You know, a luxury housing development anchored by a golf club is a good idea. Maybe something to do several years from now. But I won’t use that developer. He’s dishonest. You know. If its such a good idea, maybe the village could do the project instead.

Reporter: You want the village to get into the real estate business?

Claar: Why not? Land is always a good investment. The village would collect tax dollars and money from the sale of the homes. How could we lose?

Reporter: What if the market has a downturn.

Claar: Then we’ll wait for the up turn.

Reporter: Government in the real estate business? That’s crazy! I’m sorry.

Claar: If The Babbler thinks it’s crazy, then it must be a good idea. But don’t worry. I think I’ll build two skateparks before I build the golf course.

Reporter: Skateparks! Have you seen skateboarders? They’re crazy! They must be on drugs.

Claar: If skateboarding isn’t a crime, then law abiding citizens will be skateboarders.

(Reporter stares at Claar)

Claar: Oh by the time I get to that, Skateboarding will be cool and the crazy people will try to figure out how to jump off high buildings without getting killed.

Reporter: I don’t know what to say. All of your ideas are so radical, and I’m not just saying that lightly.

Claar: Oh those ideas are pretty simple compared to my ultimate dream.

Reporter: Ultimate dream?

Claar: Sure. Everyone needs an ultimate dream. A vision to work towards, even if you don’t succeed, you’ll go father than you expected to go.

Reporter: I’m afraid to ask.

Claar: You talk to aliens, yet you’re afraid of my ultimate goal?

Reporter: I’m not Reporter X.

Claar: Ah. Well if I’m successful as mayor, then not only will more people want to move to Bolingbrook, but more communities will want to be a part of Bolingbrook.

Reporter: As in copying your policies.

Claar: No. As in they will ask to be annexed by Bolingbrook. First Romeoville, and then Woodridge. As Bolingbrook grows, more suburbanites will demand to be annexed by Bolingbrook. Before long, all of Chicago’s suburbs will merge to become Greater Bolingbrook, and Chicago will be a suburb of Bolingbrook!

Reporter: Um, if you want to run a major city, why not move to Chicago and run for mayor?

Claar: Do you want to be the mayor of Chicago?

Reporter: Good point.

Claar: Once that happens, then I can retire knowing that helped Bolingbrook reach its golden age.

Reporter: You know. Somehow, that idea doesn’t sound crazy.

Claar: Good. I think.  Well I have to get back to work. I hope you print most of the truth.

Reporter: I am sworn to tell reveal the truth, no matter how unbelievable it may be.

Claar: Some things never change. You know---

(A basketball flies in through the open window. Claar grabs the ball and throws it out the window. Then he runs up to the window.)

Claar: Hey! Watch where you throw your ball!

Girl: You’re a meanie and I’m going to get you someday!

(Girl runs away.)

Claar: (Shakes his head.) I have a feeling that girl is going to grow up to be nothing but trouble.

After publishing the interview, Claar announced at the next board meeting that the only truthful part of the story was letting the reporter into his office. The rest was “a bunch of nonsense.”

While Claar has never given another extensive interview with The Babbler, he will still talk to our reporters. Though sometimes our reporters have use some very aggressive tactics to get a few comments from him.

Despite our psychics best efforts, we don’t know when the next mayor of Bolingbrook will be elected. When that happens, we will interview him or her, and we will print the truth, no matter how unbelievable it may be.

As this series has shown, The Babbler has always been a part of Bolingbrook’s history. We’re confident that as long as there’s a Bolingbrook, there will be a Bolingbrook Babbler. It just wouldn’t be “The Brook” without us.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

The Mayors of Bolingbrook: Edward Rosenthal (1981)

In 1980, America rejected The Carter administration and embraced the pro-American, pro-responsibility polices of Ronald Reagan. It really was morning in America. In 1981, Bolingbrook decided to elect liberal Ed Rosenthal to be the mayor of Bolingbrook. 

The residents of Bolingbrook supported his efforts to create transparency in village hall. They were willing to buck the national trend to put the Pride Party and him in office.

Rosenthal's election angered Babbler publisher John Olson so much, that he would use The Babbler to try to get Rosenthal recalled before his inauguration. He said that Bolingbrook needed to be saved from that “peacenik hippy commie teacher!” The Babbler, under protest from the editor, ran articles about Rosenthal’s “numorous visitors with alien bankers” and attacked his family. When The Babbler questioned his wife’s administration of The Fountaindale Library and it’s “collection of cursed books,” Rosenthal wrote a letter to the editor. When The Babbler claimed that his oldest daughter had a collection of voodoo dolls, he submitted a guest opinion.

When The Babbler wrote about his youngest daughter, Rosenthal marched into The Babbler’s new Barber’s Corner office and barged into Olson’s office. The two then had the loudest argument in the history of Bolingbrook. The argument was heard as far away as Downers Grove, and as far underground as Hell. They only calmed down when lawyers for both sides entered the room.

After the meeting, Olson announced that he was stepping down as the publisher of The Babbler. He added that The Babbler would retract it’s article about Rosenthal’s youngest daughter. To date, this is the only retraction in The Babbler’s history.

Rosenthal agreed to his first interview with The Babbler as mayor, but stated that he be allowed to “conclude our settlement there.” Our reporter had no idea what he was getting into.

Mayor Rosie speaks to The Babbler!

Reporter: Hello your honor.

Rosenthal: Oh come in. You can call me Mayor. We’ll worry about calling me Ed or Rosie later once you’ve earned it.

Reporter: Um OK.

Rosenthal: You must be the bravest reporter at The Babbler.

Reporter: I drew the short straw.

Rosenthal: Ah. Well have a seat. This won’t hurt much.

Reporter: OK. Um, you seem calmer now compared to the last time I saw you.

Rosenthal: Oh I’m quite calm now. In fact, I’ve never been happier. I heard that you have a new publisher now.

Reporter: Yes. Chris Olson took over today. He says that he’s going to keep the editorial and business departments separate at The Babbler.

Rosenthal: I think that’s good. All I have to say to your staff is this. You can accuse me of visiting alien bankers, though I only go to the bank to cash a check. You can say my wife is hoarding spell books, though she’s really supports science. You can talk about Rachel because she thinks it cool to have voodoo dolls. But when you go after my youngest daughter, that makes me mad. She’s too young for your silliness.

Reporter: I’m here to assure you that my report won’t be silly.

Rosenthal: If you say so. Now, what’s your first question? And it better not be about cabals or secret business groups or any other innuendo.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

The Mayors of Bolingbrook: Bob Bailey (1978)

Few can argue with Bob Bailey’s dedication to Bolingbrook. He served on the Board of Trustees since Bolingbrook’s founding in 1965. To date, he is the only resident to serve two nonconsecutive terms as mayor. While critics called his expansion of Remington Blvd a “Road to nowhere,” it helped spur industrial development in Southern Bolingbrook. The current Bolingbrook Town Center is named in his honor. Some say that if you listen very carefully, you can hear his ghostly footsteps as he wonders the hallways.

In the late 1970s, Bailey had a love-hate relationship with The Babbler throughout his career. He would call Babbler reporters, “a bunch of liars” at board meetings, yet most of what we now know about Clow UFO base came from his leaks to The Babbler. Sources say he summoned the ghosts of journalists to create The Phantom Press.  Bailey wanted a publication to compete with The Babbler, he allegedly told his supporters. Yet, when those supporters urged him to have The Babbler removed from Old Chicago, he refused. Circulation of The Babbler at Old Chicago saved The Babbler from almost certain bankruptcy.

Though Bailey gave many insightful interviews with The Babbler, his first interview as mayor was marred by the disco fever epidemic of 1978.

Mayor Bob Bailey goes disco!

By Reporter Quepasa

The phone rang at an ungodly hour.

“Why are you calling me at 1 PM. That’s wicked!”

“Keep cool, man. I’ve got a really hot tip, you know. So I had to wake you up, you know.”

“It had better good, and not bogus.”

“There’s a VIP disco tonight at Old Chicago! Everyone who’s anyone in Bolingbrook is going to be there. They’ve set aside a special joint for the occasion!”

“Like no way!”

“Like way! It’s not open to the public, but I got tickets for you. If you wear your best threads they’ll let you in. Catch my drift?”

“I can dig it!”

After spending most of the afternoon enjoying the buzz from my primo coffee, I cleaned up and put on my best threads. I hopped into my car and pointed my car towards the dome.

Friday, November 12, 2010

The mayors of Bolingbrook: Nora Wipfler (1975)

In 1975, Bolingbrook celebrated its 10th birthday. Now it was officially the second largest municipality in Will County, and some predicted that Bolingbrook would soon reach 100,000 residents by 1985. If you were young, and starting a family, Bolingbrook was the happening Chicago suburb. Old Chicago would open later that year, along with the Fountaindale Library. The future seemed bright.

The Babbler’s future, at the time seemed uncertain. Following the loss of paper of record status, publisher John Olson was forced to make cuts. The page count was cut in half, and the number of enhanced photos per issues were reduced. Many believers feared that Chicagoland’s voice of truth could be silenced.

Though The Babbler was down, it was certainly wasn’t out. As our first interview with newly elected mayor Nora Wipfler clearly showed.

Mayor Wipfler speaks: Romeoville won’t eat us!

After avoiding The Babbler during the campaign, new Village President Nora Wipfler finally agreed to an interview! While obviously the powers that be prevented her from telling the whole truth about her plans for Bolingbrook, we found her relative openness to be quite refreshing.

Reporter: Thank you for the interview, madam president.

Wipfler: You can call me mayor. Everyone else does.

Reporter: OK. Well Mayor Wipfler, thank you for this interview.

Wipfler: Oh don’t thank me. I just want to be able to go to sleep and not worry about about a three AM call from your reporters.

Reporter: Fair enough.

Wipfler: But don’t think that means I’ll put up with any sexist questions.

Reporter: (Tears several pages out of his notebook.) In that case, my first question is, how do you enjoy being the most important mayor in the galaxy?

Wipfler: Galaxy? Oh that’s right. It feels just like being the mayor of a large village in Illinois. I enjoy it.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

The Mayors of Bolingbrook: James Johnston (1974)

The second half of 1974 saw the opening of Bolingbrook High School. The first class of students also included 10 alien “observers.” Thus making Valley View the first school district in the free world to openly admit human and extraterrestrial students.

James Johnston also became mayor in 1974, and would not run for reelection in 1975. Though he didn’t have the shortest term in the history of Bolingbrook, he does have the honor of having the shortest published interview in The Babbler.

Village President call Romeoville’s annexation threat ‘nonsense’

Tensions between Bolingbrook and Romeoville escalated after Village President James Johnston abruptly end an interview with The Babbler.

The complete transcript of the Interview is below:

Johnston: Sorry for the delay. I had to finish writing a letter to a young man who’s trying to tell me how to run the village. He says I need to fix the divided village board.

Reporter: No problem.

Johnston: So let’s get this over with. I guess it’s a rite of passage for the village president to be interviewed by The Babbler.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

The mayors of Bolingbrook: Patricia McDowell (1974)

In the early 1970s, the second wave of the feminist movement was in full swing. Many of the protections and rights women now take for granted were won during this time. Ideas once considered radical, like women should have equal opportunities, finally gained acceptance during this period.

During the middle of this time of transformation, the Bolingbrook trustees elected Patricia McDowell as the first female village president. Though to date her’s was the shortest tenure of all of Bolingbrook’s mayors, history will always remember her as a pioneer for all of Bolingbrook’s female political leaders.

Unfortunately, The Babbler at the time, didn’t share the country’s growing acceptance of feminism. Publisher John Olson lead the charge to have McDowell removed. His campaign reached a low point with The Babbler’s first and last interview with her.

Did Village President McDowell punish The Babbler because it was that time of the month?

By John Olson

After weeks of openly calling for her resignation, village president Patricia McDowell invited me to her office. I graciously accepted the opportunity to explain to Mrs. McDowell why she was a bad example for the young ladies of Bolingbrook. She, like Betty Ford, is no lady, but I hoped to persuade her to reconsider her reckless fantasy that men would actually take orders from her.

As stepped into her Spartan office, I longed to see a women’s touch. She seemed out of place in room once occupied by such manly men as Robert Schanks. Instead, there stood, this petite thing. She motioned for me to sit. I refused to sit until she sat. She sighed and then sat down.

McDowell: Let’s get this over with. I don’t appreciate going to Jewel and seeing my face on the cover of your tabloid. I really don’t like it when you insinuate that I’m cheating on my husband with an alien.

Olson: I have sources!

McDowell: What have I ever done to you? Why do you hate me?

Olson: I should be asking the questions. I’m the man in the room.

McDowell: And I’m the one in charge of the police department. Which by the way, I’ve noticed that our officers have been very forgiving whenever they see one of your reporters poking around Clow.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

The Mayors of Bolingbrook: Thomas Groseth (1973)

From 1968 to 1973, Bolingbrook was on its way to becoming the second largest municipality in Will County. The first restaurant, Mr. Quick, opened in 1969. The park district was founded in 1970. That year also saw Valley View become the most evil school district in the country with its year-round calendar. Indian Oaks, Winston Woods, Ivanhoe, Cherrywood, and Cinnamon Creek subdivisions started in 1971. The first shopping center opened in 1972. Jewel opened in 1973, thus giving The Babbler two distribution locations, and allowing The Babbler to end free home delivery to every resident in Bolingbrook.

The Babbler also experienced growing pains. With the founding of the Bolingbrook park district, The Babbler was no longer Bolingbrook’s number one tourist attraction. Other weekly publications tried to compete with The Babbler with their “hard news.” That meant that The Babbler’s reporters had to fight even harder to get to truth to Bolingbrook.

In 1973, newly elected Village President Thomas Groseth tried to ignore The Babbler. Even going as far as to write a column for The Bolingbrook Beacon and claiming it was the Bolingbrook’s first newspaper. (Someday we’ll tell the real story about The Beacon.)Though the persistence of one reporter, we finally got our interview.

Village President Groseth: Nixon supports me!

It took several phone calls, two visits from the Bolingbrook Police department, and two trips with The Men in Blue, but this reporter finally got an interview with Village President Thomas Groseth!

Groseth: Do you know what time it is?

Reporter: It’s time for your interview with The Babbler!

Groseth: You just won’t give up, won’t you.

Reporter: Absolutely not! Mr. Olson won’t pay me until I get a story. You how inflation is, man.

Groseth: (sighs) OK. Let’s get this over with.

Reporter: What is your favorite thing about being the village president?

Groseth: That’s the first question? OK, um, I really like getting letters from a young man who wants to move to Bolingbrook once he gets his PhD. So every time I hear someone complain at a board meeting, I just think about this young man, and smile. Because someone out there is inspired by our village.

Monday, November 8, 2010

The Mayors of Bolingbrook: Robert Schanks (1968)

The year was 1968, the summer of love. Residents were falling in love with their new homes. Visitors flocked to Bolingbrook to read the “far out” stories in The Babbler. Publisher John Olson loved his expanding staff, and The Babbler’s new office across from Totura’s foods.

Nineteen-sixty-eight was also the year of violence and chaos. Inside Bolingbrook, space hippies tired to corrupt the minds of our children. Outside, unsavory elements, edged on by communist mind control satellites, rioted in the streets of Chicago. Young people turned to crime, rock music, and drugs.

Bolingbrook residents demanded order. Bolingbrook’s politicians delivered. They founded the first police department in 1968. Trustee Robert Schanks then led a rebellion against Village President Jack Leonard to buy a new police car.

Then later in the year, Schanks unleashed Bolingbrook’s ultimate tool for law and order. He introduced it during his first and only in depth interview with The Babbler.

Village President Schanks unveils the Men in Blue!

A Bolingbrook Babbler exclusive!

We were warned to expect something unusual when Village President Robert Schanks summed us for an exclusive. So we hid one reporter in his office while another reporter conducted the interview. As you will see, our hidden reporter came out with the story Schanks doesn’t want you to read!

Schanks: Thank you for coming here on short notice.

Reporter: No problem. I’ve always wanted to interview you, but you never returned my calls!

Schanks: Are you the one who calls around midnight.

Reporter: You bet. Because you never take my calls at work, before work, during dinner, after dinner--

Schanks: I get the picture.

Reporter: So, is it true that the Bolingbrook police will be given special training to deal with the local space hippie commune?

Schanks (chuckles): No. I have something better.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

The Mayors of Bolingbrook: Jack Leonard (1965)

For our Mayors of Bolingbrook special report, we’re starting with Jack Leonard, Bolingbrook’s first village president, as mayors were called back then. Leonard was instrumental in persuading the Trilateral Commission to found Bolingbrook as a cover for Clow UFO Base. Not only was he the first police chief, he also was the first temporal monitor, weredeer control officer, and alien greeter. Historians to this day do not know how he managed to get any sleep.

This interview occurred on the evening of Bolingbrook’s founding in 1965. Which was also the day the first issue of The Babbler came out. It is was conducted by John Olson, our first publisher.

Village President denies being a Soviet patsy!

Publisher escapes arrest and certain brainwashing!

Publisher John Olson crashed the village trustee’s celebration of Colonial Estates’ loss of freedom under the newly formed “village” of Bolingbrook. We have the exclusive transcript!

Olson: I have a question Village President Jack.

Leonard: Who are you?

Olson: I am the publisher of The Bolingbrook Babbler, which my junior reporter his handing out.

Trustee: How can we have a second newspaper? The voters only just approved incorporation.

Olson: Whenever an oppressive liberal government forms, the press rises up to oppose it.

Leonard: We haven’t even had a meeting yet.

Trustee: And what kind of name is The Babbler anyway?

Olson: As in a babbling brook! What kind of name is Bolingbrook anyway?

Richard Saunders crushed at Clow UFO Base

Richard Saunders photographed at Clow UFO Base
By Reporter X

Richard Saunders, co-host of The Skeptic Zone, was released from Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base after his failed attempt to lift a UFO crushed 99% of his bones.

“It was horrible!” Said DocRak, an eyewitness from the Andromeda Confederation. One moment he was bracing himself under a scout craft, and asking for the clamps to be released. The next the craft was on the ground, and I couldn’t see Richard!”

Rescue crews managed lift the UFO off of Saunders crushed body, and started emergency body reconstruction. After a few minutes, Saunders was able to reply, “Except for the fact that I can't feel anything, I think I'm doing OK.”

Saunders was then taken to Clow’s medical facility and released after a few hours. Sources told The Babbler that Saunders’s loves his new body, and asked when this medical technology would be made available to the rest of the world.

“He fully appreciated that under human medicine, he would be dead, and we would be mailing his remains in an envelope.” Said a source. “Here, we were able to fix him, and now he can go back to convincing Australians that UFOs aren’t real.”

Saunders was at Clow to explain to the ambassador of the Martian Colonies that Power Balance Bands don’t use illegally obtained Martian technology. Saunders’s explained that Earth’s holographic bands have no special powers and rely on the placebo effect. Though the Martians have advanced holographic technology, even their devices can’t duplicate the claims Earth manufacturers make.

As the skeptical ambassador watched, Saunders demonstrated the tricks used by some sellers of holographic bands and pendents.

“It was amazing.” Said QiDo, an observer. “It looked like he was giving his male friend extra balance, and super strength. Then he explained how it was done. Even we, who travel the stars, can be fooled.”

For the ultimate demonstration, Saunders asked if he could borrow the ambassador’s craft. Wearing a Power Balance Band, he was unable to push the craft and it’s mobile landing clamps. Saunders then asked that his assistant turn on a Higgs Boson inhibitor and point it at the craft. Higgs Boson inhibitors are used to reduce the mass of spacecrafts, thus allowing them to fly near the speed of light before activating their warp drives. Sources said that Saunders thought the device would reduce the weight of the craft, allowing him to lift the craft.

Instead, the craft’s weight was unchanged, and Saunders was crushed under several thousand tons of alien steel.

Investigators believe the inhibitor was sabotaged. Though they have no suspects, sources close to the investigation suspect someone from the Martian Colonies.

“Some colonists are looking for an excuse to start a war with Earth. They see these holographic bands as an excuse to start such a war. Richard’s demonstration could have derailed their plans. So it’s natural to assume that they tried to have him ‘accidentally’ killed.”

According to several eyewitnesses, after Saunders’s was released, he told Clow officials that he now fully understood the importance of his efforts to rid the world of holographic bands.

“I have to save the world!”

When finally reached for comment, Saunders laughed and denied ever visiting Bolingbrook.

“If you have evidence for your claims, then James Randi Educational Foundation and The Australian Skeptics have prizes for you.” Said Saunders. “Anyone can use the money, right?”

When asked if he would take The Babbler’s $5 Dollar Challenge, Saunders explained, “It’s almost impossible to prove a negative. That’s probably why The Skeptics Guide to The Universe won’t accept your challenge. You have to make a positive claim and then present evidence for that claim. I’m sorry but the burden of proof is on your tabloid. Wait! Who are you and why are you sitting next to my friend?”

A women in the background replied, “That’s my husband, and he’s been with me the entire time!”

“Wow!” Replied Saunders. “This is a real life example of the gorilla video!

Also in The Babbler:

Babbler starts Mayors of Bolingbrook series
Bolingbrook for Tea calls for end to Bolingbrook’s ‘socialized fire department’
Number Crunchers finally write about The Babbler
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/11/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Bolingbrook officials celebrate defeat of Denver Ordinance 300

This image wasn't enough to convince Denver to build their own UFO Base
By Reporter X

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar not only celebrated the Republican's landslide victory yesterday, he also celebrated the defeat of Denver's UFO ordinance.

"Everyone knows you don't fund a UFO base with public funds!" Exclaimed Claar at the Extraterrestrial Republican Association victory party, held at Clow. "You use covert funds, and you damn well don't tell the entire city about your plans!"

The ordinance, if passed, would have created a commission specifically tasked with gathering evidence for alien visitations, and to decide if Denver should try to initiate contact with them. Supporters claim that the US government is covering up evidence of extraterrestrial visits and felt that the commission could expose the truth.

Jeff Peckman, the man behind the initiative, is quoted in Opposing Views as saying that Denver needed a plan to deal with alien visitations.

"Up until now, it was just: Let's send John Elway out to meet 'em." He was quoted in Opposing Views.

He has cited a video of alien peeping tom and the celebrity UFO sightings as proof of alien visitation. Some have suggested that a skeptic group's reenactment of his alien video is proof of a cover-up.

"There's a reason aliens don't want to be revealed to the public." Said Don X. Caulfield of The Bolingbrook Office of Extraterrestrial Affairs. "Until the human race fully embraces science and discards irrationalism, they want their presence here to be a secret. Not only does this project waste thousands of dollars of legitimate taxpayer dollars, it endangers lives of all Denver residents. Good thing it was voted down."

Claar also denied that he opposed Ordinance 300 because it could have resulted in the construction of a UFO base larger than Clow.

"We have a quality facility in Bolingbrook, which not only has the most space of all Urban UFO bases, but offers the best amenities of any base in the world. Clow is the Bolingbrook Golf Club of UFO bases and it will take more than size to top our quality service. Besides, we can always add on to it if someone tries to build a bigger base."

Caulfield says that the big winner in the Initiative campaign is skeptic Karen Stollznow. He credits her Naked Skeptic column for singlehandedly turning Denver residents against the proposal.

"She's made the move from columnist, Linguistics PhD holder, host of two podcasts, monster investigator, and Skepchick to political pundit! If she keeps up the good work, the powers that be could turn her into the next Dr. Rachel Maddow or the next Dr. Laura!"

When this reporter left a message for Stollznow, she called back at 2 AM and replied, "Let see how you like being called afterhours! Why do the purveyor of woo think it is OK to call me at any time of the night?"

Peckman couldn't be reached for comment, though a person at the election party said, "If people can be convinced that Obama is a godless socialist Muslim, we can eventually convince Denver of the importance of being ready for alien visitations!"

Also in The Babbler's Election Edition:

Alien corporations want 'return on investment' from Republicans
Sources: Democrats flood suicide hotlines
Tea Party to Babbler: Don't make fun of are spelling!
Oberweis: I should have run for something!

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, November 1, 2010

The Babbler to celebrate 12th anniversary of the first online story

By Publisher Chris Olson

Twelve years ago this month, The Bolingbrook Babbler posted its first article on the Internet. Granted it was part of a staff member’s personal web page, and we wouldn’t start regular posting of articles until 1999. Still, it was milestone in our long history, and, more importantly, we were bringing the truth about Bolingbrook to a worldwide audience.

To celebrate, we’re reprint our first interviews with each of Bolingbrook’s mayors? Why? Because some skeptics, amazingly, don’t believe that we are as old as Bolingbrook. They want proof! Well, we’re going to give them proof over nine days.

This is most ambitious web project to date. It’s been made more difficult with ghosts of The Phantom Press harassing our staff member. Despite their efforts, we are finished with the coding, and we will launch our series this Sunday. And to ghosts out there, remember this. We have Anti-psych kitty, and we’re not afraid to use him!

For the rest of you, we hope you will enjoy this look into Bolingbrook’s past as much as we have. I think you will see that the truth has always been unbelievable, and we’ve been there to cover it.

Also in The Babbler:

Randy Moss spotted at Clow UFO Base
Bonnie: I won’t get signatures from zombies!
Sources: Claar lobbying to be UN Ambassador to extraterrestrials
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/5/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.