Sunday, October 24, 2010

Alien cruise ship responsible for Bolingbrook blackouts

By Reporter X

Sources at Clow UFO Base say a new pleasure cruise spaceship is causing blackouts at the intersection of Boughton RD and Sunshine DR.

“When it kicks in its secondary anti-gravity drive, the magnetic field knocks out the power.” Said a source who asked not to be named. “We have to use the same flight path to minimize the damage to the Bolingbrook power grid.”

All the sources say they feel sorry for the residents who live by the intersection, and they’re trying to resolve the problem. The craft has departed from Clow four times since August, and each time it has caused a blackout that has lasted at least 10 hours.

Some residents say apologies aren’t enough.

“What about my spoiled ice cream and fruit?” Said a resident who asked to be identified as Bob. “I had to cancel a hot date, I mean a hot meal because of a power outage. When I asked to speak with the Department of Interstellar Affairs, the receptionist laughed and hung up.”

A woman who asked to be called Joan, said she was harassed following her complaint.

“ComEd told me to call back at 2 AM. When I called at 2 AM, the customer service representative said no one calls at that hour, and I was interrupting his World of Warcraft game! That man had some nerve!”

Joan said she started yelling at the man, when she heard a knock at the door. According to Joan, she looked outside and saw two Men In Blue standing on her porch. She didn’t open door, but she heard them say that if she complained to anyone else, they would give her the memory altering kiss.

“So I’m telling you guys, because I heard that the Men In Blue don’t bother people who speak to The Babbler.”

Other sources at Clow say the ship, the JeWago, is being used by skeptical travel agency, SkepTours, to take human skeptics to Gliese 581g.

“The residents of Gliese don’t like humans looking at their solar system.” Said a source. “So these cruises are a way of introducing ourselves, and helping their tourism industry. Personally, I think the planet is a tourist trap. I prefer planets that have night and day on all sides.”

When asked to comment, Mayor Roger Claar assured this reporter that the power outages would be taken care of.

“I’ve spoken to the cruise line and explained that if they don’t fix their ship, they’ll have to pay to fix our electrical grid.” Said Claar. “I consider this a very serious issue! If this isn’t resolved, those residents could decide to vote for Bonnie, and that would be a disaster for the village!”

When this reporter attempted to contact SkepTours, a receptionist replied, “If any Bolingbrook residents believe that their power outages were caused by an alien spacecraft, they should contact the James Randi Educational Foundation. They can apply for their million dollar prize, and that should be more than enough to compensate for any damages this alleged UFO caused.”

Also in The Babbler:

Cutler: I thought I was playing for the Redskins!
Lisle trees feud with Downers Grove trees over who has the best leaves!
Bolingbrook: No zombie uprising this Halloween!
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/30/10.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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