Sunday, September 19, 2010

Valley View School District: We’re not hosting a (expletive deleted) flat Earth Convention

Valley View officials insist Bolingbrook High School will not host a flat Earth convention this year.

Said a school board member, who asked not to be named, “We may not have the best scores in the state, but (expletive deleted) it, we haven’t sunk so low that we think the Earth is flat! In all the (expletive deleted) years I have served the board, and all the stupid questions I’ve been asked, this is the dumbest question I’ve ever heard! I’d rather sit through another meeting with Rhonda Reed-Slaughter! (Expletive deleted)!”

The Bolingbrook Flat Earth Club, however, still insists that they have rented out Bolingbrook High School and will hold their convention in December.

“The board members are afraid of a backlash from the New World Order.” Said Ted Parkerson. “I have the contracts, and all of four, I mean 40, I mean 400 of us will be there!”

Parkerson says his group is trying to build off the momentum of the Geocentric conference to be held in November.

“Once you accept that there’s an atheistic conspiracy to cover up the fact that the Earth is the center of the universe, it’s not much of a stretch to realize that they’ve also covered up the fact that our Earth is flat.”

Another board member called Parkerson a liar.

“He’s full of (expletive deleted)!” Said the second board member who asked not to be identified. “We’ve known since the 6th century BC that the Earth was round. Only the ancestors of The  Bolingbrook Report staff thought the Earth was flat! You, know, between your stupid questions, the Brook Report, and The Number Crunchers, I say we should eliminate voting and just put Mayor Roger Claar in charge of everything! It would make the meetings go much faster.”

Parkerson concedes that spherical Earth theory has been around since the 6th century.

“Who cares what a bunch of white Europeans thought?” Asked Parkerson. “This is the 21st Century. We’re turning our backs towards science and embracing ancient wisdom! The Bible refers to the four corners of the Earth in Revelations 7-1. Einstein said that all points of reference are valid, therefor the flat Earth prospective is valid!”

Parkerson also answered some “common objections” to “the reality of flat Earth.” When asked why ship’s masts seem to sink over the horizon, he replied, “It’s a problem with our eyes.” When asked how mathematicians were able to determine the size and shape of the Earth in ancient times, he replied, “They used Trigonometry. Do you understand Trigonometry? How do we know they were telling the truth when they explained their calculations?” When asked why no one has been to the edge of the Earth, he replied, “It’s surrounded by a wall of ice. Just like the UN’s logo clearly shows.” When asked why the other planets are spheres, he replied, “The Earth is not a planet.” When asked about the pictures of the Earth from space, he replied, “All faked!”

The convention, according to Parkerson, will be held over the Christmas holiday, and, once the web site is up, will cost $60 to register.

Leroy Brown, head of security for Valley View, said no one has registered for a convention, and anyone trying to “attend” the convention could be arrested.

When asked to comment, the receptionist for Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar said he was in the middle of an important phone conference.

In the background, a man sounding like Claar said, “Sure we’re not Vegas, but I think The Promenade would be an amazing place to hold a convention. Schaumburg may have the convention facilities, but we have the better Ikea store.”  He paused, then said, "Don't even think of playing hardball with me, Mr. DJ!"

Also in The Babbler:

Skeptic attacked by Lake Michigan monster
Lisle trees approve Navistar relocation
Scientist: Flu shot will change your gender!
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/20/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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