Thursday, September 2, 2010

Chicago Superheroes fight on Lake Michigan

The debut of Chicago’s first superhero was married by a fight with Chicago’s second superhero.

Captain Homeopathy made his first appearance on a Lake Michigan cruse sponsored by the Chicagoans Against Reductive Pharmaceuticals. The boat was filled with children whose parents object to having them vaccinated.

“We wanted to show children that you can think that vaccines cause autism, destroy cheerleading careers, are filled with toxins, and still be able to say that you are aren’t anti-vaccine.” Said Donna Z. Sanford, spokesperson for CARP.

Once the ship was several miles offshore, Captain Homeopathy, dressed in green spandex, a utility belt, and wearing a full mask, walked on to the deck. After greeting the children, the Captain introduced himself as “a defender of children against icky medicine.”

Minutes into his speech, the audience gasped as a human figure flew towards the cruise ship. As it got closer, it appeared to be a female shaped mechanized suit of armor with a jet pack. On it’s chest was a picture of a teddy bear with the words, “Hug Me!”

The figure landed on the boat and called herself Vaxena, “Defender of science, and fighter woo.” She then called Captain Homeopathy a super-villain who wants to make kids sick.

Captain Homeopathy replied by sending his “henchmen” to deal with Vaxena.

“It wasn’t like the old Batman show,” said Paula, who asked that we not use her last name. “She took each one down with one punch. When they were all defeated, she tossed them into the lake.”

Captain Homeopathy started running around the deck, lobbing vials of “solutions” at Vaxena. Vaxena tried to stun him with a taser. Both heros traded insults at each other.

“It was the most talkative fight I’d ever seen.” Said Don X. Bowie. “It was like watching a debate with the opponents trying to hit each other.”

After a minute or so, Captain Homeopathy pulled out a magnet and said, “Science doesn’t know how this works!” Vaxena staggered and her glowing eyes started to flicker.

“I will unmask you and your evil science!”

When Captain Homeopathy reached for Vaxena’s helmet, she suddenly grabbed him by the throat and lifted him up.

“Science does know how magnets work, you insane clown!”

She tossed him several feet overboard.

“I’m on a boat and you’re all wet!” Exclaimed Vaxena.

She then told the kids that she would give them the power to fight “Count Crud!” Even though she told kids it would sting, they exclaimed that they wanted a special power too.

After scanning the children, Vaxena fired a cloud of guided syringe rockets at the kids. They injected the children with vaccines, gave them a teddy bear bandage, then flew back to Vaxena.

She flew away as the children waved and cheered good bye.

“Bring on Count Crud!” Yelled one kid. “I’m vaccinated!”

The crew of the ship rescued Captain Homeopathy and his henchmen, then returned to port.

According to Paula, “The police told us not to talk to the media about what happened. Otherwise they would use ‘aggressive forgetting techniques’ on us.”

The president of CARP, Matt Michaels, denied that he was Captain Homeopathy. “Although it is tempting to use my inherited wealth to extract revenge on corrupt allopathic establishment for killing my parents, there’s no way I would become Captain Homeopathy! Though I have studied martial and homeopathic arts!”

Elyse Anders, president of The Women Thinking Free Foundation, denied knowing anything about Vaxena.

“You guys have some strange imaginations.” Said Anders. “The truth is we’re launching our 'Hug Me, I’m Vaccinated’ campaign at Dragon*con this week. We want the world to know that vaccines are mostly safe, and far safer than catching an illness. But we wouldn’t use a superhero to promote our message. That’s silly.”

In the background, a man said, “Matt dropped off some cold fusion reactors. Where do you want me to put them?”

“I’m on the phone with The Babbler!” Exclaimed Anders.

“Oh. I meant, where do you want me to put these cold fusion props for your Dragon*con costume?”

There was a long pause.

The man then said, “But you’re not going to Dragon*con because it’s not safe for our baby. So we’re going to have our own costume party here in honor of Dragon*con, right?”

“Right.” Replied Anders. “Put them over there.”


Anders then said, “I’m on a horse.”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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