Sunday, September 26, 2010

Alien overlord to run for village trustee

By Reporter X

Cytork the Awesome, ruler of the M13 cluster, now wants to add Bolingbrook Village Trustee to his collection of titles.

“There is no greater honor than to be recognized as a co-ruler of Bolingbrook!” Said Cytork.

Cytork says he is eligible to run because part of his brain is implanted in a Bolingbrook resident, and he’s owned a home in Bolingbrook for more than 30 days.

“I own a Bolingbrook residence. I control a Bolingbrook resident. Therefore, I am more than qualified to run for village trustee.”

If elected, Cytork says he will use his power as M13 ruler to assist Bolingbrook.

“I will increase trade to Clow UFO Base, and I will offer my best shock troops to defeat the marauding gangs that terrorize Bolingbrook! They fought the Martian Colonists to a draw. Bolingbrook’s gangs will be no match for them.”

Cytork say he has not asked for Mayor Roger Claar’s endorsement, but promises to work with the mayor.

“I will honor the tradition of publicly deferring to the mayor when he makes a decision. In return, I will only ask that he defers to me when he visits my empire.”

Critics say Cytork is a brutal dictator, and only wants to run for trustee as a stepping stone to becoming the mayor, should Claar not run for reelection in 2013. If he becomes mayor, his critics fear that he will suspend that municipal code, and make himself absolute ruler of Bolingbrook.

Cytork laughs at that fear.

“As long as I do not violate the laws of your country and state, absolute rule and the municipal code can coexist. Not that I am planning to run for mayor, but in case the residents feel compelled to support my mayoral candidacy, I want to keep my options open.”

Cytork claims to have several volunteers who are trying to collect signatures to get him on the ballot.

Charlie Parkerson, a ten year Bolingbrook resident, says he fully supports Cytork.

“We’re already in debt, and we’re cutting public safety officers. Can it really get any worse? Besides, he promises to give every Bolingbrook resident a trophy. I’ve never gotten a trophy before! Who cares if he’s an emperor?”

Off the record, Clow officials expect a legal challenge if Cytork gets enough signatures to get on the ballot.

“Your whole body has to be a resident of Bolingbrook.” Said one official. “A piece of your brain doesn’t count. Plus he wouldn’t be allowed outside of Clow because he’s a Class Five alien. Then we get into the question if the resident he possesses is him, or an illegal proxy. This could get very ugly.”

Added another official. “His candidacy is almost as dumb as someone from another time zone trying to run for trustee. No one would take that candidate seriously.”

The Babbler could not reach anyone from The Brook Report, but a person from the Draft Bonnie Kurowski-Alicea replied in an e-mail.

“Who cares about your silly alien stories? There is only one person who can save us, and her name is Bonnie! As long as she moves back to Bolingbrook 30 days before the election, she can run for trustee! Now you have a choice. You're either with us or against us! If you’re against us, you’re with Roger. If you’re with Roger, you support croneyism! If you support croneyism, that makes you evil!” The e-mail added, “If Jesus came down from Heaven to run for trustee, no one would question his residency!”

When asked to comment, Claar’s receptionist said he was in the middle of a conversation, and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “If you really have things under control, you would have made an announcement by now, and we wouldn’t be talking. I know when I hear desperation, Mr. DJ.”

Also in The Babbler:

PZ Myers growing Coexist zombies
Women Thinking Free Foundation goes hunting for aliens and Bigfoot
Time Traveler arrested for betting on Bears to win the Super Bowl
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/30/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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