Sunday, August 15, 2010

Women, vampire, and alien agree: Nothing happened with Mayor Claar

Several women have contacted The Babbler claiming to be the woman that sat next to Bolingbrook Roger Claar during the 8/12/10 White Sox game.

The first, who asked to be identified as Jan, said it was just a coincidental meeting.

“Oh my dad knew some friends who rented a Diamond Suite, and they needed a couple more people to fill it up.” She said. “I picked a seat that was next to an older dude. When we saw that we were on TV, we all got excited, and that was it. Then I found out that he was the mayor of Bolingbrook, and some lame web page said that I was his date. Ew!”

Jan said they never talked during the game.

Donna, who claims to work for the White Sox, said she was the woman, and the shot was staged.

“The White Sox want to encourage more older men to buy Diamond Suites.” She said. “So they hire women like me to go into a suite just before we broadcast a suite on live TV. I’ll stand or sit next to an older man, and give the impression that a Diamond Suite can make anyone look sexy.”

According to Donna, she was asked to go into the suite Claar was in. A seat just happened to be available next to Claar.

“I just popped in, pretended to get excited when we were on the air, and then left. I didn’t know who he was, and I’m sorry if we cause any problems for him.”

Dust, an energy vampire, said that Claar was in the suite at the invitation of the Chicago Alliance of Energy Absorbing Entities.

“Energy absorbing entities are always receiving negative coverage in the New Age media. We’re inviting the suburban mayors to White Sox games to show them that we’re not bad. We just need to take a little bit of everyone’s energy to survive.”

Dust, who is 300 years old, said nothing inappropriate happened between Claar and her.

“He’s not my type.” She said. “I don’t date a guy until he’s at least 200 years old.”

Elgo, an alien ambassador from the Andromeda Confederation, said he was there at the invitation of Roger Claar.

“Because I am an important diplomatic figure, Claar rented out a Diamond Suite and invited me to attend a baseball game.” Said Elgo. He later added, “I decided to wear a human female suit because I thought it might be pleasing to your mayor. Let me assure you, we only discussed how to we could help renew Clow’s intergalactic spaceport certification. My suit does not, as you might put it, have all the correct parts necessary for a human mating ritual.”

When asked to comment, a spokesperson for Claar replied, “We will neither confirm nor deny that Mayor Claar was at a White Sox game this week. Any other questions are inappropriate and any articles you write may be reviewed by our legal team. If there is an issue of concern, it should remain within the Claar family. If there is to be a public statement, Mayor Roger Claar, and only Mayor Roger Claar will make the statement.”

In the background, a man, who sounded like Mayor Claar, tried to pronounce the word “Hagalund.”

“How do you expect me to build it if I can’t even pronounce it?” Yelled the man.

Also in The Babbler:

Mayor Claar to unveil new emergency management house boat
Upcoming UIC speaker, Universe is only 10 seconds old
Dr. Gorski: I will not be meeting aliens at the Black Rock on 8/21/10.
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/20/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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