Friday, August 20, 2010
Web Exclusive: Rabid bats spreading Islam in Bolingbrook!
“Bolingbrook is under terrorist attack, and (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) won’t do anything about it!” Said Ronald Anderson, president of the Will County Tea-Bagging Party.
According Anderson, after a bat bit his vaccinated dog, his behavior still changed. His dog, Demon, barked during Islamic prayer times. He stopped looking out of his favorite window, now spends time in the window facing Mecca. Whenever Demon looks in the mirror, Anderson says Demon cries.
“Will County Animal Control lied!” Yelled Anderson. “That bat didn’t have rabies! It injects a microchip into its victim. My dog is being infected with Nazi socialistic Islamic ideas! Now he hates himself!”
Janice Parker of Bolingbrook, suspects that her high school daughter was bitten by a bat.
“We were watching the news, and she just flat out said she though the Ground Zero Mosque wasn’t offensive. I tried to check her for bite marks, but she stormed off to her room. I told her she was grounded until she apologized to all the God fearing Americans who are defending our freedom of religion by banning mosques."
She later added that might have been too harsh on her.
“She’s under the remote control of some guy in a robe! I want my daughter back! Why won’t the Mayor of Bolingbrook kill all the bats?”
A source at Will County Animal Control, who asked not to be identified, laughed at the story.
“Belief in Islam is not one of symptoms of rabies. The truth is we’ve found six rabid bats. Only one was found in Bolingbrook. No one has been infected. There is no danger, but any contact with a bat in Will County should reported to us at 815-462-5633. Make sure your pets are vaccinated too. There’s no risk of them getting autism.”
A local Muslim, who asked to be called Mo, said that bats are not part of the plan to take over America.
“Biting is a terrible way to spread anything. Our plan is to use Fox News to spread traditional values to US citizens. Once Fox’s supporters deport the moderate and violent Muslims, we’ll adjust their coverage to suggest that there’s more to God’s plan then what’s in the Bible. Before you know it, Sarah Palin will be sworn in on a ‘sequel to the Bible,' and the public won’t bat an eye. I’m surprised that more tea party members haven’t noticed that a Saudi prince owns seven percent of News Corp.”
When asked to comment, Claar replied, “I know what your question is. No, Pakistan is not annexing Bolingbrook, and we’re not annexing Pakistan!”
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