Sunday, August 8, 2010

Vampires servants accused of ‘herding’ Veggie Fest attendees

Sources within the Naperville police department say three vampires’ mortal servants were arrested at Veggie Fest.

According to the sources, the servants were handing out invites to “The Green and Red Rave” where “you can give others a taste of the healthy vegetarian/vegan lifestyle.”

When approached by security, the two men and two women said they were promoting a new nightclub. During the conversation, an undercover officer noticed markings on them.

“I noticed large scratches on their arms. That’s how vampires usually mark their servants. They used to do tattoos, but then we caught on to their meanings.”

The officer, who is a member of Naperville’s Pink Division, asked if could shine an ultraviolet light on them. When the suspected servants refused, he attempted to arrested them. When the other three fled, they were later captured by Lisle and Naperville police officers.

The suspects were brought to the Naperville police station. Under threat of “full debriefing,” they confessed to being servants of the suburban vampire “cliques.” According to the servants, the vampires were organizing a “drinking party,” and they wanted the blood of vegetarians, and vegans.

“Apparently, most Chicago area residents have very greasy blood.” Said an officer who asked not to be identified. “Vegetarian blood is a considered a delicacy. Like caviar is to us.”

The servants didn’t know where the party was, but they were certain that it wasn’t in Naperville.

“That’s good.” Said the officer. “Because we’re Naperville. We have a reputation to uphold. Vampire clubs don’t fit into that image.”

The servants were released before sunset, because technically, they hadn’t committed a crime. Other sources added that the police department was concerned that the vampires would attempt to rescue the servants. Because the department is not equipped to fend off vampires, and out concern for the safety of the staff, it was deemed in the best interest of Naperville to release the servants.

“I used to play role-playing games.” Said Officer Donna L Casein. “I know what happens when supernatural characters go into a police station. They kill all the officers, and before you know it, they're taking on tanks and fighter jets. No thank you. I want to live!”

Naperville officials, who asked not to be quoted, say they searching possible Naperville sites for the vampire’s party. They have also informed the DuPage County Sheriffs office and Department of Health. The officials say a vampire can only legally drink blood in the DuPage County if they are registered, and submit to an HIV test after each feeding. No vampire has ever registered with the county.

Veggie Fest officials would not comment on the record, but say they will work with Deepak Chopra to find natural and quantum enhanced products to ward off those “who are under the influence of vampiric energy.”

The same officials also denied that they have had to fight off energy vampires in the past.

Also in The Babbler:

Clow overcrowded as aliens return from GenCon
Mayor Claar: We are not stockpiling icebergs
Rising global temperatures attract visitors from Venus.
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/12/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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