“That godless organization wants to build a godless pub next to the site of a godless act!” Tom E. Campbell, a former New York resident who recently moved to Bolingbrook. “They want to intimidate the God-loving residents of Bolingbrook. Well, I say we should intimidate them instead!”
According to their web site, CFI’s mission “is to foster a secular society based on science, reason, freedom of inquiry, and humanist values.” Its affiliate organizations include the Council for Secular Humanism and The Committee for Skeptical Inquiry. CFI has branches in 12 states and 10 countries.
Members of the new group, Bolingbrook Against CFI, claims that the group has secretly opened a branch in Bolingbrook.
“CFI has four branches in New York.” Said Campbell. “They admit to having a branch in Chicago. It was only a matter of time before they would try to expand in Illinois.”
Marla Riverton, cofounder of Bolingbrook against CFI, explains how they discovered the alleged Bolingbrook branch. “In September, the Wigg and Penn pub will open in Bolingbrook. Who calls a bar a pub? The British! That’s where they have skeptics in the pub! So obviously the Wigg and Penn name is a dog whistle to attract suburban skeptics! Oh, and we all know that skeptics are atheists!”
Members who claims to have investigated the Wigg and Penn claim that one of the owners once was in a Chicago bar that Christopher Hitchens once drank in.
“Clearly he has ties to anti-religious extremists!” Said Paula Z. Williamson.
BAC members say they aren’t opposed to the existence of CFI branches, but feel that it shouldn’t be in Bolingbrook.
“Maybe they could put it on a floating platform in the Lake Michigan. That way innocent people won't get drunk and be tricked into renouncing God.” Said Campbell.
Charlie Ridell, co-owner of the Wigg and Penn, denies that the bar is a front group for CFI.
“All we want to do is bring a bit of British pub culture to Bolingbrook. You know, we want it to be a place where you hang out, have a few drinks, and then be in the proper state of mind to enjoy British food!”
Ridell conceded that “pubs” of skeptics might have meetings at the Wigg and Penn.
“People of all religions or no religions are welcome at the Wigg and Penn. It’s just a bit of a pub.”
Paula X. Marcus, who claims to be a member of CFI, refused to talk about alleged Bolingbrook branch.
“I’d rather talk about how CFI can simultaneously support a blasphemy rights contest, and then call for banning of new religious buildings near Ground Zero because it is ‘an affront to those who were killed and injured in those attacks.” It is an example of our sophisticated reasoning!”
The Babbler contacted Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar for his comment. Before this reporter could ask a questions, Claar said, “George Hrab will not be performing at Clow Airport. He will be performing at The Galway Arms in Chicago on September 11th. Oh, and if drives through Bolingbrook, the new noise ordinance does apply to him!” Claar then hung up.
Also in The Babbler:
Sources: James Randi Educational Foundation not moving to Lucent Headquarters
Chicago alligators fight Lake Michigan monster
Anti-vaccine activists plan obscene response to ‘hug me’ vaccination campaign
God to Smite Bolingbrook on 9/2/10
Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.