Sunday, August 22, 2010

Atheist and theist aliens protest award ceremony for astronomer Pamela Gay

Pandemonium broke out at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO base when the Interstellar Alliance for the Advancement of Science tried give an award to astronomer Pamela Gay.

Moments before Gay was to take the stage.  Two aliens rushed the podium.  One, Hemlack, claimed to be a representative from the Secular Interstellar Alliance, and the other, Orro was from Space Catholic Defense League.  The two said their organizations had their disagreements.

“We think Pamela is not a skeptic because she believes in a divine bearded creature.”  Said Hemlack.

“We think Pamela dealings with scientists doesn’t make her a Christian, and she’s sending of millions of human souls to Hell.”  Said Orro.  “But we do agree on one thing.”

Both said, “Pamela Gay doesn’t deserve an award!”

When the Men in Blue tried to subdue the two spokespersons, protesters in the crowd pulled out signs and started chanting anti-Pamela slogans.

"Your god is gay!"  Went one of the chants.

Seconds later, fights broke out between Pamela’s supporters and protesters.

“We weren’t prepared!”  Said Jeff Z. Harmon of the Bolingbrook Department of Interstellar Affairs.  “Usually IAAS meetings are boring.  Sure she’s controversial, but we thought it was limited to the skeptical community.  The worst we expected was for a few aliens to give her creepy looks.  We didn’t expect a riot.”

After several violent seconds, The Men in Blue sprayed riot foam on the crowd.  The ceremony was delayed for an hour as authorities reviewed video tapes and made arrests.  During the delay, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar addressed the crowd.  He said they should be ashamed that such advanced creatures descended in violence.

Claar added that he is a proud Christian, and does not consider himself a skeptic.  He added that he has embraced skeptical ideas on occasion.

“I was skeptical when people told me the village shouldn’t build a high class golf club.  I was skeptical when people told me that the village shouldn’t get into the housing developing market.  And I was skeptical when people told me I had no chance of defeating Bonnie!  As it turns out, the Bolingbrook Golf Club and Americana Estates are great additions to our village that will someday turn a profit!  As you can see, I’m still the mayor of Bolingbrook!  That’s the power of skepticism and everyone, atheist or Christian, can benefit from it!”

After the delay, the organizers announced that Gay still wanted to deliver her acceptance speech.  Gay walked on stage to standing ovation, and some boos.  She cleared debris from the podium and thanked the IAAS for the award, and for their efforts to introduce alien technology and science to humanity.

“By combining the skeptical movement’s candles with your flamethrowers of knowledge, we will banish the darkness Carl Sagan warned us about.”

After the speech, IAAS officials tried to escort her off stage, but she insisted on answering questions from the audience.

A member of the Altar Center of the Study of Christian Intelligent Creationism, asked how she could call herself a Christian while practicing Satanism?

“I am a skeptic, not a Satanist!   The two are nothing alike!”

Another alien added, “What’s the difference between Satan and God?  One is a con-artist, and the other is an extortionist!” 

An atheist alien then asked her how she could call herself a skeptic and yet believe in an unknowable God.

Being a skeptic simply means that that there are things that I know are scientifically true and based on evidence.  There are also things that, in the absence of data, I may choose to believe in or not.

Gay then cited examples of skeptics she says have beliefs that some may consider irrational.

“DJ Grothe has an irrational love for comic books.  Penn and Teller have an irrational love for Libertarianism.  Michael Shermer irrationally believes he’s skepticism’s gift to women.”

Gay then stressed why skeptics, both religious and non-religious should work together.

“Imagine that there is a singularity of stupidity approaching your planet.  As it gets closer, scientific ideas are distorted by pseudoscience.  Science, the foundation of civilization, is in danger of being sucked past the event horizon.  Your planet faces a dark age that it may never escape from.  Are you going to argue over who should be called a pure skeptic?  Or are you going to work together to move your planet into a safer orbit where science and reason are safe?  That is the question facing human skeptics today.”

The day after the ceremony, The Babbler caught up with Gay at the Bolingbrook Golf Club.  Accompanied by her husband, she denied getting an award, or having ever met an alien.

“I’m in Bolingbrook because someone gave a coupon for ‘The Roger Treatment’ at this Golf Club.  Let me tell you, it’s been great!  We played a round of golf, relaxed in the sauna, and we both got a great massage.”

Gay then pointed to the bows and arrows they were carrying.

“I asked where the Bolingbrook Archery range was.  The staff laughed at me.  After I flashed the coupon, they apologized and said they would set it up just for us and give us free lessons.  I want to thank whoever gave this coupon to me.”

During the interview, two men walked by.

“I read this great article on Conservapedia saying the Theory of Relativity is a liberal myth.”

“Excuse me.”  Gay replied.  “The GPS in your golf cart works because it is based on the Theory of Relativity.  I know this because I’m an astronomer.”

The men looked at each other.

“My son says scientists don’t even know how magnets work.”

“Good point.” Said the other men.

After the men walked away, Gay looked up to the sky and shook her fist.

“Why do you test my faith in humanity, oh Lord?”

Also in The Babbler:

Record number of space aliens attend Jubilee
Chicago area teacher prevented from eating toddler
Women Thinking Free denies sending mind control teddy bears to DragonCon
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/30/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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