Monday, August 30, 2010

‘Bad Universe’ show causes mass drunkenness in Chicagoland

Though no one died, dozens of people in the Chicagoland area had very high blood-alcohol levels following the premiere of "Bad Universe."

“It was that stupid drinking game!” Said Paula, a Chicago bartender. “One of my patrons brought copies of the rules and passed them out. It was good for business at first, but after 15 minutes, I had to cut people off.”

“Bad Universe” is a new Discovery Channel program hosted by Phil Plait, “The Bad Astronomer.” The mini-series discusses astroid collisions, black holes, and alien invasions.

Supporters of the show say it provide a humorous vehicle for Plait to promote astronomy. Critics say it suffers from too many explosions, and from Plait’s desperate attempt to come up with a catch phrase.

These flaws formed the basis of the “Bad Universe” drinking game. Participants have to drink whenever there’s an explosion, Plait asks to “press the button,” and every time he says his catch phrase.

Paula, a Bolingbrook resident, says the game ruined her “Bad Universe” party. According to her, things got out of hand 45 minutes into the party.

“Bobby started vomiting, and my soon to be ex-friends decided to see if they could deflect his ‘comets.’ I don’t want to tell you about the experiments! Ew!”

David, a Downers Grove resident, said his party came to an early end, thanks to the drinking game.

“I don’t drink, so I didn’t play.” Said David. “When I game out of the bathroom, my bud was passed out on the floor. I didn’t think much about it, so I drew an astroid on his forehead. After I noticed that everyone was passed out, I called 911. Good things my friends survived. Now we can laugh about this.

Area police departments wouldn’t publicly confirm a rise in alcohol related calls during and after the show. One Bolingbrook officer did concede that it was “unusual for a Sunday night.”

When The Babbler tried to call Plait’s cell phone, his wife answered. She urged all fans to drink responsibility when episode 2 debuts.

“Don’t drink like a dick.” She said. “I think that’s what Phil would say.”

She added that Plait was interviewing the President about science for a future episode of the show. Future episodes, she said, would be discuss serious issues while still being accessible to the public.

In the background, this reporter heard Plait exclaim, “Holy Haleakala! Can I push the button?” Several people yelled “No!”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Residents speakout against ‘Bolingbrook CFI indoctrination pub’

Will the ‘humanist’ organization Center for Inquiry open an ‘indoctrination pub’ two miles from Stacy Peterson’s home? Some residents say yes.

“That godless organization wants to build a godless pub next to the site of a godless act!” Tom E. Campbell, a former New York resident who recently moved to Bolingbrook. “They want to intimidate the God-loving residents of Bolingbrook. Well, I say we should intimidate them instead!”

According to their web site, CFI’s mission “is to foster a secular society based on science, reason, freedom of inquiry, and humanist values.” Its affiliate organizations include the Council for Secular Humanism and The Committee for Skeptical Inquiry. CFI has branches in 12 states and 10 countries.

Members of the new group, Bolingbrook Against CFI, claims that the group has secretly opened a branch in Bolingbrook.

“CFI has four branches in New York.” Said Campbell. “They admit to having a branch in Chicago. It was only a matter of time before they would try to expand in Illinois.”

Marla Riverton, cofounder of Bolingbrook against CFI, explains how they discovered the alleged Bolingbrook branch. “In September, the Wigg and Penn pub will open in Bolingbrook. Who calls a bar a pub? The British! That’s where they have skeptics in the pub! So obviously the Wigg and Penn name is a dog whistle to attract suburban skeptics! Oh, and we all know that skeptics are atheists!”

Members who claims to have investigated the Wigg and Penn claim that one of the owners once was in a Chicago bar that Christopher Hitchens once drank in.

“Clearly he has ties to anti-religious extremists!” Said Paula Z. Williamson.

BAC members say they aren’t opposed to the existence of CFI  branches, but feel that it shouldn’t be in Bolingbrook.

“Maybe they could put it on a floating platform in the Lake Michigan. That way innocent people won't get drunk and be tricked into renouncing God.” Said Campbell.

Charlie Ridell, co-owner of the Wigg and Penn, denies that the bar is a front group for CFI.

“All we want to do is bring a bit of British pub culture to Bolingbrook. You know, we want it to be a place where you hang out, have a few drinks, and then be in the proper state of mind to enjoy British food!”

Ridell conceded that “pubs” of skeptics might have meetings at the Wigg and Penn.

“People of all religions or no religions are welcome at the Wigg and Penn. It’s just a bit of a pub.”

Paula X. Marcus, who claims to be a member of CFI, refused to talk about alleged Bolingbrook branch.

“I’d rather talk about how CFI can simultaneously support a blasphemy rights contest, and then call for banning of new religious buildings near Ground Zero because it is ‘an affront to those who were killed and injured in those attacks.” It is an example of our sophisticated reasoning!”

The Babbler contacted Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar for his comment. Before this reporter could ask a questions, Claar said, “George Hrab will not be performing at Clow Airport. He will be performing at The Galway Arms in Chicago on September 11th. Oh, and if drives through Bolingbrook, the new noise ordinance does apply to him!” Claar then hung up.

Also in The Babbler:

Sources: James Randi Educational Foundation not moving to Lucent Headquarters
Chicago alligators fight Lake Michigan monster
Anti-vaccine activists plan obscene response to ‘hug me’ vaccination campaign
God to Smite Bolingbrook on 9/2/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Atheist and theist aliens protest award ceremony for astronomer Pamela Gay

Pandemonium broke out at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO base when the Interstellar Alliance for the Advancement of Science tried give an award to astronomer Pamela Gay.

Moments before Gay was to take the stage.  Two aliens rushed the podium.  One, Hemlack, claimed to be a representative from the Secular Interstellar Alliance, and the other, Orro was from Space Catholic Defense League.  The two said their organizations had their disagreements.

“We think Pamela is not a skeptic because she believes in a divine bearded creature.”  Said Hemlack.

“We think Pamela dealings with scientists doesn’t make her a Christian, and she’s sending of millions of human souls to Hell.”  Said Orro.  “But we do agree on one thing.”

Both said, “Pamela Gay doesn’t deserve an award!”

Friday, August 20, 2010

Web Exclusive: Rabid bats spreading Islam in Bolingbrook!

Rabid bats are infecting animals and residents with Islamic beliefs says a Bolingbrook resident.

“Bolingbrook is under terrorist attack, and (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) won’t do anything about it!” Said Ronald Anderson, president of the Will County Tea-Bagging Party.

According Anderson, after a bat bit his vaccinated dog, his behavior still changed. His dog, Demon, barked during Islamic prayer times. He stopped looking out of his favorite window, now spends time in the window facing Mecca. Whenever Demon looks in the mirror, Anderson says Demon cries.

Will County Animal Control lied!” Yelled Anderson. “That bat didn’t have rabies! It injects a microchip into its victim. My dog is being infected with Nazi socialistic Islamic ideas! Now he hates himself!”

Janice Parker of Bolingbrook, suspects that her high school daughter was bitten by a bat.

“We were watching the news, and she just flat out said she though the Ground Zero Mosque wasn’t offensive. I tried to check her for bite marks, but she stormed off to her room. I told her she was grounded until she apologized to all the God fearing Americans who are defending our freedom of religion by banning mosques."

She later added that might have been too harsh on her.

“She’s under the remote control of some guy in a robe! I want my daughter back! Why won’t the Mayor of Bolingbrook kill all the bats?”

A source at Will County Animal Control, who asked not to be identified, laughed at the story.

“Belief in Islam is not one of symptoms of rabies. The truth is we’ve found six rabid bats. Only one was found in Bolingbrook. No one has been infected. There is no danger, but any contact with a bat in Will County should reported to us at 815-462-5633. Make sure your pets are vaccinated too. There’s no risk of them getting autism.”

A local Muslim, who asked to be called Mo, said that bats are not part of the plan to take over America.

“Biting is a terrible way to spread anything. Our plan is to use Fox News to spread traditional values to US citizens. Once Fox’s supporters deport the moderate and violent Muslims, we’ll adjust their coverage to suggest that there’s more to God’s plan then what’s in the Bible. Before you know it, Sarah Palin will be sworn in on a ‘sequel to the Bible,' and the public won’t bat an eye. I’m surprised that more tea party members haven’t noticed that a Saudi prince owns seven percent of News Corp.”

When asked to comment, Claar replied, “I know what your question is. No, Pakistan is not annexing Bolingbrook, and we’re not annexing Pakistan!

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Anti-psychic Kitty speaks: Listen to Dr Gorski, eat, drink and help vaccinate Klingons!

Note: As part of our legal settlement with the James Randi Education Foundation, we’re required to give column space to Anti-psychic kitty, the most skeptical creature on Earth. The views expressed in the column are not those of The Babbler, and may not reflect those of the JREF.
For the past month, I’ve had a toothache and a bump on my chin. I needed professional care. Instead, my caretakers at The Babbler decided to wave their hands over me, and pour water into my water. Every time I didn’t meow in pain or slept, they’d say their treatments were working. Obviously a cat can’t know about the placebo affect.  Of course not.  I just covered up my pain.

Finally, DJ Grothe ordered me to be sent to a real vet. Thanks to the Abbeywood Cat Clinic, my bad tooth is gone, and they removed the bump. Thanks to science-based veterinary medicine, I am healthy again. The Skeptvet would be proud.

But not all humans are as lucky as I am. Their big brains are fooled by Big Placebo into taking treatments that don’t work. Then they’re convinced that if they turn to conventional instead of "natural" treatments, they’re going against nature. As a member of nature, I say take what is proven to work.

You might say, “You’re a cat, what do you know about humans?”

My rational arguments transcend species! If I can’t convince you with my rational arguments, then you should listen to Dr. David Gorski. He’ll be speaking at the Black Rock on Saturday, August 21 at 12:30 PM sponsored by Chicago Skeptics. Gorski is the managing editor of the Science Based Medicine blog. I respect him for his strong support of human vaccinations, and for critically examining the claims of alternative medicine. He’s so effective, that Big Placebo spends so much time and energy trying to destroy him. I’m skeptical of their chances. Hee! Hee! Hee!

Why spend just an afternoon listening to Dr. Gorski when you can have drinks and food with him? There will be a reception that evening for a mere $35. What’s more, the money will go towards The Women Thinking Free Foundation’s vaccine clinic at DragonCon. They’ll offer free vaccines to restore herd immunity in geek community!

It’s a good cause. If I have to get my shots, then humans should get their shots too. More importantly, the more people that are vaccinated, the less the likely hood of diseases finding hosts. Not does that protect people who can’t be immunized, but eventually it can lead to the elimination of disease. Just ask the smallpox virus. Oh, you can’t. It’s locked up in a laboratory!

Oh, I tried to tell Dr. Gorski how I felt about him. Here’s how the interview went:

Gorski: So that’s how you get a bartender’s attention. Hello?

Me: Dr Gorski! It’s an honor to speak with you!

Gorski: Hello?

Me: I try to read your blog every time a reporter leaves their computer.  Well, after finish Respectful Insolence, of course.  Do you read that blog?

Gorski: Is this a joke? All I hear is meowing. I’m hanging up.

Me: Don’t pet my aunt Sidney!

Maybe the JREF or The Babbler can get me a better vocal translator. Until that day, I’ll just be content to walk on the keyboard until I produce a column.

So go see Dr. Gorski. Question everything he says, question everything his critics say, and then look at the facts. And remember that there is only one thing that’s certain: IMSOCUTE!!!

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Women, vampire, and alien agree: Nothing happened with Mayor Claar

Several women have contacted The Babbler claiming to be the woman that sat next to Bolingbrook Roger Claar during the 8/12/10 White Sox game.

The first, who asked to be identified as Jan, said it was just a coincidental meeting.

“Oh my dad knew some friends who rented a Diamond Suite, and they needed a couple more people to fill it up.” She said. “I picked a seat that was next to an older dude. When we saw that we were on TV, we all got excited, and that was it. Then I found out that he was the mayor of Bolingbrook, and some lame web page said that I was his date. Ew!”

Jan said they never talked during the game.

Donna, who claims to work for the White Sox, said she was the woman, and the shot was staged.

“The White Sox want to encourage more older men to buy Diamond Suites.” She said. “So they hire women like me to go into a suite just before we broadcast a suite on live TV. I’ll stand or sit next to an older man, and give the impression that a Diamond Suite can make anyone look sexy.”

According to Donna, she was asked to go into the suite Claar was in. A seat just happened to be available next to Claar.

“I just popped in, pretended to get excited when we were on the air, and then left. I didn’t know who he was, and I’m sorry if we cause any problems for him.”

Dust, an energy vampire, said that Claar was in the suite at the invitation of the Chicago Alliance of Energy Absorbing Entities.

“Energy absorbing entities are always receiving negative coverage in the New Age media. We’re inviting the suburban mayors to White Sox games to show them that we’re not bad. We just need to take a little bit of everyone’s energy to survive.”

Dust, who is 300 years old, said nothing inappropriate happened between Claar and her.

“He’s not my type.” She said. “I don’t date a guy until he’s at least 200 years old.”

Elgo, an alien ambassador from the Andromeda Confederation, said he was there at the invitation of Roger Claar.

“Because I am an important diplomatic figure, Claar rented out a Diamond Suite and invited me to attend a baseball game.” Said Elgo. He later added, “I decided to wear a human female suit because I thought it might be pleasing to your mayor. Let me assure you, we only discussed how to we could help renew Clow’s intergalactic spaceport certification. My suit does not, as you might put it, have all the correct parts necessary for a human mating ritual.”

When asked to comment, a spokesperson for Claar replied, “We will neither confirm nor deny that Mayor Claar was at a White Sox game this week. Any other questions are inappropriate and any articles you write may be reviewed by our legal team. If there is an issue of concern, it should remain within the Claar family. If there is to be a public statement, Mayor Roger Claar, and only Mayor Roger Claar will make the statement.”

In the background, a man, who sounded like Mayor Claar, tried to pronounce the word “Hagalund.”

“How do you expect me to build it if I can’t even pronounce it?” Yelled the man.

Also in The Babbler:

Mayor Claar to unveil new emergency management house boat
Upcoming UIC speaker, Universe is only 10 seconds old
Dr. Gorski: I will not be meeting aliens at the Black Rock on 8/21/10.
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/20/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Vampires servants accused of ‘herding’ Veggie Fest attendees

Sources within the Naperville police department say three vampires’ mortal servants were arrested at Veggie Fest.

According to the sources, the servants were handing out invites to “The Green and Red Rave” where “you can give others a taste of the healthy vegetarian/vegan lifestyle.”

When approached by security, the two men and two women said they were promoting a new nightclub. During the conversation, an undercover officer noticed markings on them.

“I noticed large scratches on their arms. That’s how vampires usually mark their servants. They used to do tattoos, but then we caught on to their meanings.”

The officer, who is a member of Naperville’s Pink Division, asked if could shine an ultraviolet light on them. When the suspected servants refused, he attempted to arrested them. When the other three fled, they were later captured by Lisle and Naperville police officers.

The suspects were brought to the Naperville police station. Under threat of “full debriefing,” they confessed to being servants of the suburban vampire “cliques.” According to the servants, the vampires were organizing a “drinking party,” and they wanted the blood of vegetarians, and vegans.

“Apparently, most Chicago area residents have very greasy blood.” Said an officer who asked not to be identified. “Vegetarian blood is a considered a delicacy. Like caviar is to us.”

The servants didn’t know where the party was, but they were certain that it wasn’t in Naperville.

“That’s good.” Said the officer. “Because we’re Naperville. We have a reputation to uphold. Vampire clubs don’t fit into that image.”

The servants were released before sunset, because technically, they hadn’t committed a crime. Other sources added that the police department was concerned that the vampires would attempt to rescue the servants. Because the department is not equipped to fend off vampires, and out concern for the safety of the staff, it was deemed in the best interest of Naperville to release the servants.

“I used to play role-playing games.” Said Officer Donna L Casein. “I know what happens when supernatural characters go into a police station. They kill all the officers, and before you know it, they're taking on tanks and fighter jets. No thank you. I want to live!”

Naperville officials, who asked not to be quoted, say they searching possible Naperville sites for the vampire’s party. They have also informed the DuPage County Sheriffs office and Department of Health. The officials say a vampire can only legally drink blood in the DuPage County if they are registered, and submit to an HIV test after each feeding. No vampire has ever registered with the county.

Veggie Fest officials would not comment on the record, but say they will work with Deepak Chopra to find natural and quantum enhanced products to ward off those “who are under the influence of vampiric energy.”

The same officials also denied that they have had to fight off energy vampires in the past.

Also in The Babbler:

Clow overcrowded as aliens return from GenCon
Mayor Claar: We are not stockpiling icebergs
Rising global temperatures attract visitors from Venus.
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/12/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Letters to the Editor 8/1/10

Reader’s Editor Doug Fields here. After the hostile reception we received at TAM 8, I’m pleased to announce that our webmaster will be speaking at GenCon on Saturday, August 7in Indianapolis. The Skeptical Gamers have scheduled two events at the same time in counter-protest. Don’t let them win! Go to the GenCon site and look up our event under code SEM1012376. You can also use the GenCon site to find the skeptical events and report on them for us.

Now to respond to a challenge:

To the Babbler:

Why haven’t you replied to Dr. Paranormal’s questions about The James Randi Educational Foundation? Are you guys really stooges for this evil anti-paranormal organization? If so, then you should admit it right now! Until then, I will follow the great Doc Paranormal and do my best to fight James Randi and his anti-psychic powers.

Xi Young
Pahrump, NV

Stooges for the JREF? That is a new one. Apparently Dr. Paranormal asked us some questions on the Internet. Since we were too busy to answer, Young has jumped to conclusions.

So here you go Dr. Paranormal and Mr. Young:

What percentage of contributions to the James Randi Educational Foundation goes to “education?” What percentage goes to administration, including staff salaries?

As the JREF is a nonprofit organization, this is publicly available information, and has already been covered by the mainstream media. While we have looked at this information, we think it would be of more benefit to your Poe Community College students to have them look it up themselves. We will continue to focus on the JREF’s efforts to eradicate ghosts in Chicago, and their more disturbing “skeptical” activities.

Look at the JREF Join The Foundation page. Why do the increasingly expensive membership options include a $25,000 “Champion” step featuring a personal sit-down with the Great Man? Is JREF concerned that this appears similar to the graduated fee structure of Scientology? Or that it reeks of “personality cult?”

Many groups use differently named membership options, and the JREF is no different. I suppose you could say any religion is like Scientology because they both have holy books and elaborate rituals.

We can also say that you don’t need to pay that amount of money to get a reply from Randi. He’s replied to our unsolicited e-mails, and there is a good chance he will respond to your e-mail.

This doesn’t absolve the JREF. They are working to exterminate the paranormal and impose a scientific gay-friendly libertarian dictatorship, and we will oppose them. We will just oppose them for what they are.

Besides, if someone donated $25,000 to your college, wouldn’t you want to meet them in person?

Does James Randi donate his services to JREF? If not, what is he paid?

This is available on Wikipedia. Even the most amateur, brainwashed skeptic knows how to read Wikipedia.

Would JREF be willing to open its books to your reporters?

Their books are already public record.

Before 2009, the JREF maintained a library, sent speakers around the world, sponsored The Skeptics Guide to the Universe, maintained an Internet forum, and organized the largest skeptical conference in the world, The Amazing Meeting. Then James Randi turned over the leadership of his group. Under the leadership of Phil Plait, and DJ Grothe, there are now three Amazing Meetings around the world, and fourth to be added next year. This year, Grothe allied the JREF with Committee for Skeptical Inquiry and The Skeptics Society to put on TAM 8. He also promised more such alliances in the future. The JREF is now testing regional workshops as part of an effort to help out local skeptical organizations.

What may or may not have started off as a fan club for James Randi, is morphing in an organization trying to spread skepticism while taunting psychics with their million dollar prize. If we’re not careful, people will accept their “rational” alternatives to the paranormal, and people like us will go the way of the priests of Athena. We cannot let this stand!

Is it possible for intelligent people to be treated as marks?

Before our reporter passed out at the last Chicago Drinking Skeptically event, he heard Jeff Wagg of the JREF say that it is easier to trick smart people than to trick dumb people. In the immortal words of Mayor Roger Claar, make of it what you will.

Finally, we’ll end with this upbeat letter.

To the Editor:

The reporters at the Brook Report like to trash Adventist Hospital in Bolingbrook. But I got some great service today!

Last night, some aliens put anal probes in me. I asked my doctor to remove them, but he said he couldn’t see them. So I went to the Adventist emergency room. Sure reception did a double take when I explained my problem. When I told her I had insurance, she lightened and said the doctor would see me.

The doctor was so nice to me. He asked me if I was an avid Babbler reader. I said I was. He looked around and whispered that he wasn’t supposed to remove probes, but he would make an exception in my case.

So a few minutes later, the probes were removed. He wouldn’t let me see them, because they were putting up a fight, and he needed to dispose of them right away.

So if they can handle my probe problem, they can handle anything. Thanks Adventist!

Oh, I think some men wearing blue clothes want to see me. I’ll have to e-mail you later!

(Name Withheld)
Bolingbrook, IL

Also in The Babbler

Skeptical dowsers find booze in Chicago
Real robots trash Michigan Avenue
Will County Tea Party denies membership to space alien
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/9/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.