Saturday, July 3, 2010

Web Exclusive: Surly Amy goes to Hell!

Psychics around the Chicago and Minneapolis area report visions of Skepchick Surly Amy in Hell.

Jean, a Minneapolis psychic, said she was on Twitter when she sensed a horrible smell.

“It was horrible. I sensed that it has something to do with Surly Amy. So I opened my mind some more, and realized that it was something she was smelling. She didn't smell. The place she was in smelled.  That terrible place must be Hell!”

Don “The Party” Padre, said he sensed a similar sensation while on Twitter.

“It was a bus filled with unhappy people. There was one soul who was especially unhappy. I knew it was Amy! She was going to some place horrible in a horrible bus. That place had to be Hell!” Padre cried. “Amy’s in Hell! God is punishing her for making those awful Surly Ramics!”

Anastasia Zwada, from Roseville, MN, said claims she had a clearer vision of the Amy’s current fate.

“She’s in hell!” Cried Zwada! “Hell starts with a long line. The sky is on fire and the air is humid! The line moves slowly to maximize your suffering. Then you get to the end, and it’s a TSA security checkpoint! That’s just the beginning.” She sobbed some more. “This is where the path of Surly Ramics leads to! God will inflict a terrible punishment on those who mock my beliefs!”

Upon hearing the news, Reverend Brian Nowell posted on his blog, “Get out of Hell,” what he called “firm and fair advice” for Amy and her friends on how to get her out of Hell. The reaction from his commenters was quick and harsh.

“‘Boo Hoo! I mocked our lord and savor and now I’m burning in Hell!’ Don’t say we didn’t warn you!”

“I’m so sick of skeptical souls complaining about Hell. If you had loved God in the first place, he wouldn’t have to punish you!”

“I guess now she’ll spend the rest of her existence being turned into surlies!”

Nowell scolded his readers.

“Sure it’s easy to mock Surly Amy! Keep in mind, that you may die someday and realize that you followed the wrong denomination of Christianity. Then you too will be screaming out for salvation. Would you want to be mocked, or would you want people like me to raise the money and prayers necessary to save your soul?”

When asked to comment, Skepchick Founder Rebecca Watson, who is at Convergence in Minneapolis, denied that Amy is in Hell.

“It sounds like some of your readers took Amy’s Twitter feed and twisted her airport horror story.” Said Watson.

She added, “This raises an interesting question about Hell. Usually when you punish someone, you either want them to stop the behavior immediately, or you want to remove them from the general population to prevent them from harming others. If God really sends people to Hell, then why is he waiting a lifetime before punishing someone for their act? That just gives them more time to screw up. It also gives them a lifetime to harm or endanger others. Even then, why punish them for eternity? After a while, it just becomes sadistic on God’s part. Would it be better for an all knowing God to simply never create people he knows will end up in Hell?”

In the background, a door opened, followed by a dull thud.

“Oh Rebecca,” Came a woman’s voice, “you won’t believe the Hell I went through to bring you these Surlies!”

Also at Convergence:

‘Buzzed’ skeptic ruins ghost hunting speech

A source tells The Babbler that a skeptic ruined a speech about ghost hunting.

“I listened to Dave Schrader give a great speech about how to hunt for ghosts.” Said Don Katlin. “I loved the scary recordings he played. Then some skeptic stood up and said that we were tricked into hearing voices in the recordings. Here’s the scary part. When he said that ghost hunters don't have a definition of a ghost, and don’t agree on which equipment to use to detect a ghost's physical presence, Schrader said the skeptic was right!”

Sources within the skeptical community say the skeptic might have been under the influence of a “Buzzed Aldrin” which some say is a drug that enhances a skeptic’s anti-psychic energy.

“All I know is that this skeptic ruined his speech and made me question my beliefs.”

When confronted by The Babbler, the skeptic said the reporter should read his blog post about the speech. Then he talked on his cell phone.

“Elyse, I’m sorry I forgot to get the T-shirts.” He paused, winced and replied, “Can I wear the dress here? I won’t stand out if I do it here. He paused again. “Not at TAM!” He then wondered off.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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