Sunday, July 25, 2010

Men in Black investigate illegal UFO base in South Elgin

By Reporter X

South Elgin officials promised to fully corporate with the Men in Black as they investigate an alleged illegal UFO base.

Sources within the New World Order tell The Babbler that they were tipped off to the alleged base when a South Elgin resident posted a YouTube video about it.

“Normally YouTube is a pain in the (expletive deleted) to deal with.” Said a source who asked to be identified as Comptroller Watts. “In this case, it was a big help. Who would have though that they’d try to hide a UFO Base by a bridge construction site?”

The sources would not say if they found the base, but one source, Economist Golff, said he has found evidence of extraterrestrial activity in South Elgin.

“The South Elgin Special Affairs Division of the Sanitation Department has bags of moldy food in their refrigerator. On some worlds, Earth mold is a delicacy. Could it be that this division is growing mold and selling it to the interstellar black market?”

Field Agent K, who asked that we not use his last letter, says the New World Order is examining both YouTube videos very carefully.

“The second video shows a black dot in the sky. It could be debris, or it could be a VK700000 landing to pick up illegal Earth mold? The possibilities are staggering!”

Donald Zawder, a spokesperson for Special Affairs Division of the Sanitation Department, said South Elgin says the New World Order has complete access to municipal files.

“We have nothing to hide.” Said Zawder. “It just so happens, that we don’t always eat our lunches before they turn bad. We also don’t like civilians to be closer than a mile from our construction projects. Sure there’s a temporary storage site by the bridge. Everyone can use a little more storage!”

A source with the Kane County Forest Preserve, who asked to be called Kathy, said she is not aware of any unauthorized UFO bases in South Elgin.

“I assure you, the Fox Valley River is not being used as cooling station for interstellar cheese mold smugglers! We also don’t have an illegal space alien population, and we aren’t worried about violence between interstellar syndicates erupting in our forests.”

When asked to comment, South Elgin Village President Jim Hansen denied the entire story.

“I assure you we do not have a UFO base in South Elgin, legal or illegal. Believers, however, are welcome to visit and see for themselves. We have plenty of motels, restaurants, and stores that would be happy to have your business. Just don’t break any laws while you’re looking at our wonderful skies.”

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar, who administers the largest urban UFO base in the world, was asked to comment about the alleged base in South Elgin. He mumbled something about “amateurs” and then hung up.

YouTube user, SFVA Films, did not return our e-mail before the deadline.

Also in The Babbler

Plait to pant-like parasite consuming James Randi: Don’t be a dick!
God changes mind about flooding the Chicago area
Brook Report Editor: I’m right and the state is wrong about Bolingbrook’s sales tax rate
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/30/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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