Sunday, June 13, 2010

Weredeer Liberation Front to ‘hunt’ Will County residents

The Weredeer Liberation Front announced the start of “hunting season” in Will County.

“The Will County human population is unsustainable.” Read the statement. “Just look at the deplorable conditions in Joliet! Will County residents are not practicing responsible family planning. They spread disease and pollute the environment with their artificial habitats. Now their uncontrolled growth threatens our primitive children.”

The statement goes to condemn Will County Forest Preserve efforts to “cull” the deer population.

“We appreciate that the Will County Board will not let Bubba slaughter our children. Instead they are thinking of using expert assassins to do the job. This is still not acceptable.”

Jill Beckham, an expert on the local weredeer population, says that the WLF is a radical terrorist group, and do not represent the average weredeer. She explains that the group split over a disagreement about mating with humans verses deer.

“Unlike most animals, weredeer cannot mate with their own kind.” Said Beckham. “They have to mate with either a human or a deer. Until about ten years ago, the local weredeer used to seduce single human women, get them pregnant, then abandon them to impregnate another women. They did that because only 1 offspring in 20 will grow up to become a weredeer.”

Ten years ago, the Bolingbrook Jaycees persuaded Will County’s weredeer to pursue “traditional” relationships with humans or just mate with deer.

“The WLF decided they’d had enough of humans, and went native, so to speak.”

As a result, the deer population exploded, forcing Will County to considers ways of culling the population.”

“You asked us not to mate with your women, and we agreed.” Read the statement, “You thank us by debating how to slaughter our children.”

Carl, a Romeoville resident, who asked that we not use his last name, survived a weredeer attack.

“I was meeting some friends from Chicago so we could trade baseball cards. They were rare cards so we met out at Conservation Park after dark. You know, so no one could steal our cards. Anyway, this deer walked up to us. We thought it was cute, so we ignored it. Then it got up on its hind legs and grew claws and fangs. My local buddy screamed, but I pulled out my gun. Hey, they’re expensive cards! Anyway, we kept firing on the thing. It tanked most of the shots. Then his buddies appeared, and they had machine pistols. I don’t know how we got out of there, but we did. Now my friends won’t come back here. Now how am I going to get my co-- er Koufax cards up here?”

Officer Joe Reed of Bolingbrook’s Paranormal Affairs Division, says the village is ready to deal with any Weredeer hunters.

“(Mayor Roger Claar) is many things, but he isn’t stupid. He’s fully staffed our department, and we’re stocked with plenty of anti-weredeer ammo. If this WLF is reading this, don’t even think of trying to ‘cull’ Bolingbrook.”

When asked to comment, County Board Chairman Jim Moustis replied, “Weredeer? I don’t think you know me well enough to call me ‘dear.’”

Also in The Babbler:

Stanley Cup visits Clow UFO Base
Source: Aliens are on the 16th floor of FermiLab!
Bolingbrook on alert for sinkhole monsters
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/15/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.


Oak Brook Dentist said...

Haha, good one. The picture makes much more sense after reading the article.

Andrea Fox said...

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cheap orthodontics said...

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Stew said...

Did I get that right? They have to mate with either a human or deer? Oh my God I will have to check that out with a list of ron receveur scams to see if that is just something meant otherwise. Eitherway, it's quite hysterical.