Sunday, June 20, 2010

Sources: Claar plans to use comet to create new Bolingbrook lake

Sources are telling The Babbler that Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar wants to create a new lake with comet ice.

One source, Steve, said that Claar explained the plan to him.

“He said, ‘Steve, we need an alternate plan in case we can’t take over Illinois American’s water pipeline. Since we don’t have enough well water, we’ll have to get the water from somewhere else. That somewhere is outer space!”

Another source, name Pete, is a former Bolingbrook resident who now works for NASA. According to him, Claar want’s to use Pete’s long discredited comet capture plan. The plan involves attaching retrorockets and parachutes to a comet. As the comet approaches Earth, NASA would use the rockets to slow the comet. By the time it reaches the atmosphere, the comet will be moving slowly enough to deploy the parachutes. It will them make a controlled, harmless landing.

According to Steve, “Roger said, ‘It’s simple! The comet lands on the vacant lots at Americana Estates. As it melts it forms a lake. Then we sell the water to our neighboring suburbs. If we start running low on water, we just deflect another comet from the Oort Cloud.’ Then he went on to say, ‘It also has added benefits. We can add a dock and presto. The Golf Club becomes a golf and yacht club. The residents of Americana Estates will see their property values increase because they now have lakefront property. Higher property values means higher tax revenues! Just add a lake access fee, and before long we’ll be swimming in money again!’”

Pete says that Claar has already talked to NASA about his plan.

“Roger told them he has some pull with the Tea Party. He suggested that if NASA approved his plan, he might be able to persuade them to not give NASA the ‘ACORN Treatment.’ Let’s just say that got their attention.”

When asked about the feasibility of the plan, Bad Astronomer blogger Phil Plait laughed. “Don’t you guys know how fast comets travel? Some are traveling at over 90 thousand miles an hours, and you want to bring one to a dead stop? The retrorocket fuel costs alone would bankrupt your village.” Plait then added. “You know, since I made my musical debut with George Hrab, I’m thinking about starting a solo music career. What do you think of these lyrics? ‘You don’t want land on Jupiter/You don’t want to land on Jupiter/Cause it’s just ball of gas and if we do the math we’ll see that the pressure per square inch would be--’ OK it still needs some work.”

When reached by The Babbler by phone, Claar immediately answered, “I won’t pass a cat hair disposal fee, I’m not going to TAM 8, and we’re not hosting a Jonathan Coulton concert. Oh, Ikea has nothing to do with that last statement!”

Claar then spoke to someone in the room. “You may have attended all the required events, but you still embarrassed us. You’re not in college any more. If you ever want to see a dime from my campaign fund again, you will take that public etiquette class and don’t even think about asking the taxpayers to reimburse you!”

An unidentified man cried, “But it was a bucket of booze!”

Also in The Babbler:

No violence reported as CFI Chicago supporters clash with Paul Kurtz supporters
Real life wizard Mystopher wows Chicago Skeptics
Lisle mayor denies plans to turn Lucent campus into pro-business reeducation camp
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/25/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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