Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Web Exclusive: Placebo Consortium spins poorly attended Chicago Andrew Wakefield rally

While between 50 to 100 people attended an anti-vaccination rally and Andrew Wakefield speech in Chicago, one sponsor wasn’t disappointed.

The CEO of the Placebo Consortium, who identified himself Mr. Green, said he was moved to tears.

“Just the sight of so many people willing to risk their children’s lives because they don’t want their children to be autistic. It just makes me want to cry with tears of joy.  Our new slogan should be 'better sick than autistic!'”

The Placebo Consortium, according to various sources, is a secret organization dedicated to promoting complementary and alternative medicine. Supporters say that they just want to secure profits for CAM businesses. Critics say the group wants to endanger the health of humanity to enrich themselves.

Green claims he used to work for the pharmaceutical companies, before he saw the light.

“In my old job, we’d have to spend millions of dollars to create medicines that would do something. That really cuts into the profit margin. Now, I can create products that don’t do anything.”

According to Green, he found his real calling in the consortium.

“All we do is mention an ailment. Mention our product. Throw in a disclaimer that we’re not claiming to cure or treat anything. The early adaptors buy up the products. The product usually doesn’t do anything. Heck, some of this stuff is just distilled water. Since some people will normally get better on their own, they’ll assume the product helped them. We get their testimonials for ads. Then we get the late adapters. Profits go through the roof. If someones get sicker, we’ll just say he wasn’t thinking enough good thoughts. They’ll believe it. They’ll believe anything we say as long as we bad mouth pharmaceuticals companies.”

Green says that vaccines do work, but they’re bad for business.

“They never made sense to me in my previous job. They make even less sense in my current job. We don’t make money preventing disease. We make money when people are sick, or afraid of getting sick. So it is in our interest to persuade people not to take them.”

He added that thanks to Wakefield and Jenny McCarthy, the Placebo Consortium expects to generate record profits for years.

“Sure Andrew isn’t having a good week. Losing your medical license can ruin anyone’s week. Yeah, we would have liked more people here, but It’s not about rallies. It’s potential clients. Thanks to Andy and Jenny’s efforts, preventable illness are on the rise, and trust in medicine is declining. I say we’re coming out of the dark ages, and moving into the golden age of illness! Hey, maybe we can say that it’s not healthy to be disease free! I know the public will buy it! Ah. It will be just like South Africa before they stopped denying HIV.”

The group Women Thinking Free staged a counter-protest.  No arrests were made, but one member said she felt sick after Wakefield touched her.

Men Asserting Their Thoughts sent out press releases protesting the event.

“Saying that you want to protect your children and then not vaccinating them is dumb. That’s like a pregnant woman saying she wants to carry her baby to term, and then entering a MMA tournament.”

Green said he wasn’t worried about the protesters. 

“We have Jenny on our side. She’s a mother, and she says what people want to hear.”

Green then walked over to a woman wearing a wig, sunglasses and an overcoat. He handed a check to her.

“This is for you.”

The woman pulled a finger out of her nose.

“How did you know?”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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