Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Web exclusive: Lisle trees veto Navistar relocation

Lisle’s trees rejected Navistar’s relocation plan after a meeting ended violently.

According to eyewitnesses, Navistar Dan Ustian and his legal team were meeting with the tree council in The Morton Arboretum. While the trees were questioning him about their revised plans to relocation to the former Lucent campus, Ustian interrupted. He asked why he was listening to “a bunch of talking timber?”

“We are the trees! You are a human. You will respect your proper role here.”

“I am a human.” Yelled Ustian! To the horror of the Lisle village officials there, Ustian stood up and marched towards the facilitator tree. “You are all trees. We decide if you should live or die. I could burn down this forest with my vehicles!”

The facilitator tree grabbed the CEO by the throat and lifted him off the ground.

“Swear you will never have more than six diesel testing stations on the campus.”

Ustian responded with an obscenity. The tree started to strangle Ustian. Navistar and village officials tried to pry him free but were unable to.

As Ustian started to turn blue, another tree ordered his release. After watching Ustian fall to the ground, the facilitator declared the Navistar proposal vetoed.

“You can’t veto plan! Because we’re withdrawing it!” Protested Ustian. He started to say something about Americans never backing down to trees. When a human-tree assassin popped up in front him, he stopped talking.

As he was escorted out of the arboretum, Mayor Joe Broda was heard saying that Ustian shouldn’t feel bad because the trees also rejected BP's proposed headquarters.

“Next time try to make your plans greener.” Broda allegedly said. “We’re a treeocarcy here. It doesn’t matter what the residents think. The trees get the last word in Lisle.”

When reached for comment, a Navistar employee replied, “Cool! Another Babbler article about us!”

Broda, when reached on the phone, replied, “I am not a slave to the trees!”

When this reporter called the Lisle Chamber of Commerce, a woman answered, “Oh we like the trees here. They take good care of us. They say Lisle is antibusiness, but that’s not true. It’s just that some businesses are anti-tree, and we can’t have that here. Oh no. Lisle is trees. Trees are Lisle. We’re nothing without trees here. Oh God save me! No! No! When I meant save me--”

The line then went dead.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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