Saturday, May 29, 2010

The Readers speak out 5/29/10

Doug Fields here. We’ll be taking the Memorial Day Weekend off to remember the fine men and women who have made the ultimate sacrifice. Thanks to their efforts, we can keep exposing the truth without worrying about foreign occupiers censoring us.

Our first reader is looking for some advice.

To the Editor:

I met this beautiful woman a few days ago. She was so nice to me, which I really appreciated. Now I am a well-loved person, but she was special. She could see into my soul.

Someone asked to take my picture with her. I gave her the tightest hug I’d ever given someone. Because she turned my horrible week around.

When she slipped me a note, I tried to cool. Wow, I thought, I’m going to get lucky.

When I got to my hotel, I opened the note. Imagine the pain I felt when I discovered that the note was a personal attack. She implied that I was evil. Thousands called me evil, but her words hurt me. I thought I was going to get lucky. Now I feel cursed!

What should I do?

No name given
No city

First, see a therapist.

Second, don’t asked us for romantic advise.

Third, if you’re the person we think you are, at least take comfort in knowing that you hugged a vaccinated person.

Finally, here’s a letter that’s appropriate for the break.

To the Editor:

I’m sick of the Brook Report disrespecting Mayor Roger Claar. The man is a great commander in chief!

As any long time Babbler reader knows, after alien terrorists tried to crash a UFO into his home, Roger lead the retaliatory strike. Roger defeated the terrorists, unlike Presidents Bush and Obama. He’s a true American Hero, and the only Bolingbrook mayor to successfully win a war!

The Brook Report just harps on budgets, the golf club, and some blurry photos. Show Roger some love. We owe our lives to him!

Bruce Z. Kiteman
Bolingbrook, IL

Technically, Mayor Edward Rosenthal was the first Bolingbrook mayor to win a war. He defeated invaders from the 31st Century and saved Bolingbrook from annihilation. Some argue that since Rosenthal sent a strike force to destroy the invader’s time machines before they could invade, the invasion never happened, and Rosenthal shouldn’t receive credit for repelling the invasion.

We say they both deserve credit for their military victories. They protected Bolingbrook from those who wanted to destroy her.

However, we didn’t stop criticizing Rosenthal when we felt he was wrong. Likewise with Claar. Democracy works best when the press acts as a watchdog. The military protects us from foreign politicians. We protect you from local politicians.

So remember those who have died and written for our freedom. Because freedom isn’t free and neither is the newsstand edition of The Babbler.

The Brook Report is, well, The Brook Report.

Also in The Babbler:

Man infected with computer virus switches brain to Linux.
Psychic Money columnist: Seafood will be the new gold!
Virgin Group offers to buy out Aurora
God to Smite Bolingbrook on 6/5/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

3 comments:

French Class said...

This is pretty funny, I didn't realize it was going to come out politically motivated. You should have posted the photo that you posed for so we could try to put this into our own words better.

The Bolingbrook Babbler said...

I already posted the picture on the site:

http://www.bolingbrookbabbler.com/2010/05/web-exclusive-placebo-consortium-spins.html

French Tutor said...

Thank you, I'm sorry I did not notice the photo previously.